When I walked up the stairs to my apartment complex the police were at my door. They were talking to Heather. I stiffened up realizing I committed several crimes over the course of the night and my partner in crime left me high and dry.

Before I could turn around and wait until they left Heather saw me.

“Amara! What the hell, where have you been? I thought you got kidnapped or something.” She pushed past the officers and embraced me in a hug.

I awkwardly let her hold me.

She sniffed the air around me and eyed me in suspicion. Then her eyes fell on to the hickeys on my neck. Her eyes got wide.

“Holy shit, you got laid!” she declared.

One of the officers cleared his throat.

“Oh! Uh never mind, she’s not missing after all.” Heather turned to them.

“Right, well, I am glad you are back safe but mind telling us where you were last night?” one officer asked.

“Uh… I met this guy…” I looked down to avoid looking them in the eyes.

Good thing too because later I would find out my pupils were still dilated from the acid.

“Right, did you happen to see this girl last night?” he held up a band poster with Riff circled.

“Uhh no?” I said unsure.

“No?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

“Well I saw her, but like, I wasn’t with her. I saw her get kicked out of her band. Throw away her guitar. Why is she okay?” I played dumb.

“Hmm yeah, you could say that. Thanks anyway. Glad your safe, next time make sure to check in with your friend. There are dangerous people out there.” he put his notepad away.

His fellow officer was too distracted by his phone to pay us any mind.

“Right, sorry. Thank you.” I kept my head down.

He eyed me up and down before shrugged and walking away. I sighed in relief when they were gone.

“Amara! Tell me everything!” she dragged me into the apartment.

“I’m tired Heather,” I complained.

She grabbed my chin and forced me to meet her eyes.

“Are you high?” she asked.

“No!” I said too defensive.

“Holy shit, who are you? This whole time I have been in the company of a wild child.”

I swatted her hand away and pushed past her to go to my room but paused by my door.

“Phone.” I held out my hand to her.

“Oh, yeah, my bad.” She pulled it out of her pocket and handed it to me.

I sighed and walked into my room.

I kicked my shoes off, flung off my clothes and crashed on my bed. I was so tired. I hadn’t been that tired since I first got a job. My sleep was restless as I dreamt of Riff and wondered where she was if she was okay. What she was going to eat today, where she was going to sleep.

I woke up later to Heather shaking me awake.

“W-what? What is it?” I sat up.

She was eyeing me.

“What?” I rubbed my eyes.

She sighed and turned the tv up and I looked at the tv in my room. On the news was footage of Riff and I leaving the rich house high as a kite. They had home security cameras. The news anchor was talking about how two unidentified females were wanted in connection to a series of crimes.

The video wasn’t that good and I only knew it was me because it was.

Heather paused the tv.

“Explain.” She crossed her arm.

“Two criminals are wanted?” I eyed her in confusion.

“I’d recognize those hideous pants and that dingy grey hoodie anywhere. That’s you,” she said sure of herself.

“You have no proof.”

“Fine, I’ll just call up the police again and—”

“No!” I smacked her phone out of her hand.

“I knew it!”

“Look things got crazy last night okay. So what, it’s none of your business.”

“You said you went home with a guy.” She points out.

“Okay so I left with a girl, and we had sex, and she left me! So what!?” I shouted at her. Not because I was mad at her, but because I was mad that Riff left me. She didn’t even say goodbye.

I felt sick to my stomach thinking about her.

“Whoa, okay, geez.” She held up her hands in surrender.

“Just leave me alone, you aren’t even my friend. You just want to know so you can go gossip with your followers. So fuck off Heather!”

“Geez, someone’s sensitive.” She got up to leave.

“Wait.” I stopped her.

She turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

“Do you think… do you think I’m pretty?”

Her face softened.

I was feeling very vulnerable. I mean why else would Riff leave? She must have just wanted in my pants and nothing else. I was in too deep and maybe I sacred her away. I couldn’t help it, I was attached and having her ripped away from me hurt like hell.

I should have known better than to get attached.

But I thought she was different.

And she is.

I love her.

“Amara, of course, you’re pretty.” She sighed and walked back over to me and sat next to me.

“I don’t feel it.” my eyes watered and my voice wobbled.

“Come here, fuck that bitch. You are perfect just the way you are and if she only wanted in your pants that’s her loss.” She wrapped her arms around me.

“It wasn’t like that, you know… I thought… I mean… it felt real.”

She sighed.

“Been there done that. People can be assholes. You just got to pick yourself up and move on.” She explained.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Well tell me what happened. Start at the beginning. First of all why the hell did you just leave!? I got wasted I had to call a car. I looked for you for hours!”

“You left me! you took my phone and left me, I went looking for you and well I found her.”

She sighed and settled in.

I told Heather everything. Well, almost everything. I told her how I met Riff and all the crazy shit we did, running from the police and whatnot. The acid and the skinny dipping. I told her we had sex in a cabin and that we walked back and that’s where I was all morning. I didn’t tell her Riff’s real name, nor did I tell her that I have a problem with getting attached to people.

When I was done it all just felt so bizarre like some fever dream. She even laughed and told me I was, in fact, a crazy bitch.

“Yeah, I guess so.” I laughed too.

“Amara, next time you go full-on crazy, bitch include me in! I want to go crazy like that.” She playfully pushed me.

“Next time don’t ditch me!”

“My bad. Shit, I didn’t know you had it in you. Hell, we would have been hanging out a long time ago.”

“I didn’t know I had it in me either,” I said.

“Well now you do, no way you can just go back to being boring Amara.”

“Hey!” I complained.

“What, no offense.”

“Just because you say no offense doesn’t mean I don’t feel offended.” I pouted.

“I know.” She giggled.

I looked at Heather, really looked at her as if I was just seeing her for the first time. Maybe Heather wasn’t like all other Heathers, maybe I had a problem with writing people off. My night with Riff made me realize that not only did I want company, but I wanted to be attached to someone. Badly. Years without proper human interaction made me lonely. If I got anything out of that night, it’s that I should give people a chance. Not everyone is a Billy Ranger just like I knew not everyone would be a Mickey Bain either. I learned to open myself up a bit, that I wasn’t just that background girl. I could be more if I wanted to be.

Anyone can survive, but not everyone can live and I think I finally understand what that means.

“Do you think I’ll ever see her again?” I asked Heather.

“You never know, the world works in mysterious ways.” She laid on her back next to me on the bed.

“I hope so. I think I really love her.”

“Sounds like it… It will be okay Amara. You just have to give it time. She made her choice and so you have to live with that.”

“I just want to know if she’ll be okay.”

“I’m sure she will be. She sounds tough.”

“Yeah, she is.” I stared at the ceiling.

“Well not that this hasn’t been nice but this is getting weird for me.” she got up.

I chuckled.

“Heather, since we are like friends now, do you think maybe you won’t blast your music first thing in the morning?”

“Hmm, fine… I guess I could invest in headphones.” She rolled her eyes as she walked out.

“And not stay up all night talking on the phone?” I called after her.

“Don’t push it!” she called back.

I sighed.

After that, I have been thinking about this one night ever since. It’s made me retrospective. It made me wonder who I am and what exactly I want. Who do I want to be? Do I want to be that background girl, or do I want to be Solo, the girl who takes the risk and lives her life? Did I need drugs to be that girl or was that girl inside of me somewhere just waiting to come out?

What happened to Riff? Will I ever see her again? Does she even want to see me? Why didn’t I tell her where I lived? How to find me, I should have told her.

Sometimes I go driving around to bars and random places just to see if I can find her again, but who even knows where she is. For all I know, she could be in the next state over. Maybe I might never see her again, and as Heather said I have to be okay with that.

Maybe that was the whole point of that night. Not to fall in love, but just to find myself. I could only get one, not both. Maybe I’m still not sure who I am but I certainly know where to start now. I know the hard questions I have to ask myself and the tough things I need to face.

And for that, I will always be grateful for that one night.

And maybe it might be a while before I am okay again, after all, once I’m attached, I don’t just magically get unattached. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t taking this hard, but that’s okay. Because life is hard and I have to face that.

I am happy I met Mickey Bain, and I hope I meet her again. She taught me things I didn’t know I needed to be taught. She showed me the things I needed to see. I want to be a better person because of her, well not better, but maybe just me. Whoever that girl is.

If I do ever see her again I hope I have that all figured out by then. That way I will be able to convince her to stay, or maybe she’ll be famous by then. Either way, I am going to hold out hope that one day I will see Riff again and when I do I finally know all the right things to say. She’ll see it was more than just the drugs and we can be together.

We will be reunited.

One day.