“That sounds horrible.”

“It really is,” nodded GOD lady.

“When is that happening, exactly?”

“Who knows? A few thousand years from now. Give or take a couple of centuries. By then, it’s someone else’s job, not mine,” she—or She—answered with a shrug. 

“I don’t know what to say. This is all too much to take in with just a cup of tea in my hand. Besides, I’m more of a coffee guy. Am I hyperventilating? Do you guys see me hyperventilating?”

“Drink your coffee, and calm down,” said GOD, nodding at my hand which now held, of course, a fresh hot coffee.

The coffee did help, not to mention it tasted perfect and ‘heavenly.’ I took a sip and a deep breath, felt much calmer than before, and faced the two supposedly unearthly beings with a sigh.

“Thanks for the coffee. Best I’ve ever had.”

“My pleasure,” smiled the JESUS agent.

“Oh, that was you? Not that I assumed it’s a woman’s job to serve drinks, because obviously you’re the boss here, GOD lady, I just assumed because of your omnipotence, am I saying it right? Omni—”

“Can we focus?” GOD cut me off coldly, and I nodded eagerly back at her—Her. Evidently, it would take some time to get used to the change.

“So, you’re giving me work. What am I supposed to do again?”

“Explore, survive, conquer, make friends, enemies, build an army, anything. And everything.”

“That sounds like a hell of a beta testing.”

Right away JESUS man frowned sadly at my diction and I muttered sorry under my breath. 

“And the pay? Or reward for the job?”

“The reward is that you have a job, unlike billions of other idle souls begging for something do in Heaven.”

“Really? That doesn’t sound too much like a reward.”

“Or you can just go to Hell. They are always shorthanded for their meaningless manual labors and torture entertainment business.”

“You said ‘Hell.’ She said ‘Hell,” I looked toward the JESUS agent, but he only shrugged as if saying, “She’s my boss, dude, what do you expect me to do?”

“There are perks, of course. The more flaws and rooms for improvements you find in this new world, the more shares you get from it,” said GOD.

“Shares, as in like stocks?”

“Yes. You can be a part-deity of the New World, theoretically speaking.” 

“And also theoretically speaking, can I ever go back to where I was, the life I had before getting killed by a bastard named Kyle Bodkin...?”

“No. That’s impossible.”

“Really? You’re God, and the word ‘impossible’ just comes out so easily like that?”

“It’s impossible.”

And there was the stern look again. Case closed, time to move on.

“Good to know. Perfect, then. New life, new world. When do I start this job?”

“That would be, now.”

“Cool. Okay, just before you set me up, I have my preference when it comes to gaming accessories. For the mouse, I want the model ‘Laabyrinth,’ and for my keyboard it has to be ‘HINV 1910,’ otherwise my performance suffers.”

“I’m sorry, what are you talking about?”

“My gaming gear. Do I get my own office, or would I be playing this ‘Dungeon’ above the clouds, listening to angels playing harps? Literally a heavenly background music during loading screens, am I right?” I said, laughing weakly at my own joke. 

GOD was unsmiling. Even the friendly JESUS dude blinked uncomprehendingly. 

“You must be mistaken. We didn’t hire you to play some... computer games. This is a fieldwork job. A gruesome, difficult one at that.”

“And dangerous,” added the JESUS agent ominously.

“But... you said beta testing. How else do you beta test a developing game?”

“On foot. And we never said it was a game.”

“You said ‘simulation.’ Something about a simulation, I remember that,” I said unconvincingly. 

“Not in the same context, no. Sorry,” GOD shook her head.

“Wait, so when you said you wanted me to explore this ‘Dungeon,’ you meant that I actually go down there and... explore?” 

“The portal’s ready, ma’am,” said JESUS man quietly to GOD just before he threw me one last glance of pity and condolence. 

“Good luck, Beta,” said GOD. 

“Wait, we obviously have to talk this through. Thoroughly, and with a contract or something. You know what, I think I want my lawyer. Here, right now.”

“I’m sorry but there’s no lawyer in Heaven. They’re all at, you know, southside,” said the JESUS agent as he pointed below his feet. 

“Right, because they’re all evil,” I chuckled inadvertently, forgetting for a moment that I would be sent away to who-knows-where. 

“No, dammit, don’t make me laugh, I’m serious!”

By then I could already feel my body being sucked into somewhere, away from my seating position. 

“At least let me finish my coffee—”

Just as I raised my still-hot coffee in the air, I blacked out, again.