Warmth envelops me, and the soft touch of someone’s fingers through my hair coaxes me awake. My abdomen throbs with a dull pain, and my body still feels heavy, but mostly from exhaustion. I open my eyes and Dani’s face is the first that I see, a soft, tired smile on her face. Dark circles lay heavy under her eyes and she looks as though she hasn’t slept in days.

“Good morning,” I mumble, grinning, glad to see her.

She chuckles. “Actually it’s late afternoon. You’ve been asleep for almost three days.”

Were it not for the fact that I am physically unable to, I would have shot straight out of bed at the news. “Three days?! What happened?”

“Everything’s okay now,” Dani soothes. “Josh, Sparrow, and Owen came back with the supplies John needed, and we fixed you up. John said that the anesthetics would make you pretty groggy for a while, so we’re not really surprised that you’ve slept for so long.” She says. She’s sitting at the edge of my bed, looking just as tired as I feel.

“How are you doing? You look like shit,” I ask her, concerned.

“I feel much better now that you’re awake,” Dani sighs, rubbing her eyes.

“Have you slept at all?”

“Does blinking count?”

“Dani.”

She sighs, fighting back a yawn, but it breaks through anyway. “I couldn’t sleep,” she mumbles. “Seeing you like that… reminded me of before…”

She doesn’t have to elaborate for me to know what she means.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about it while we were digging the pieces out of you,” she continues, folding her hands in her lap and looking down at her knees. “I was scared I’d lose you.”

I gently grab her arm and tug, getting her attention, and offering her a smile. “You didn’t lose me, though. You saved my life, Dani. At this point, I’ve lost count of how many times you saved me.”

She doesn’t look convinced, though.

“Dani,” I urge, tugging her arm again and urging her to lay down with me. Reluctantly, she does, curling up beside me and resting her head in the crook of my neck, and I kiss the crown of her head. “I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you and everyone else. Hell, I probably would have been killed and eaten in Eton if you hadn’t have burst in, guns blazing. I’ll keep reminding you of how amazing, and brave, and determined you are if I have to.”

Dani scoffs, her breath tickling my neck. “Honestly, I don’t feel all that brave. I was terrified, Cass. I thought for sure I was going to lose you. There was just so much blood and…” her voice trails off and she sighs.

“Being brave isn’t about not being afraid,” I tell her. “It’s about doing something despite the fear, regardless of how bad the situation and odds are. It didn’t matter that it looked like I was going for good, you jumped in head first and pulled my life back to me.”

She’s quiet for a long while, but it’s a comfortable silence that settles between us.

“Cass?” She eventually says.

I hum in acknowledgement as she shifts to lean over me.

“I love you.”

I smile, reaching up to brush the hair out of her face. “I love you, too.”

She presses her lips to mine in a soft kiss, and I let her worry melt away, pulling her into another and another, and I desperately wish I wasn’t injured, because all I want to do right now is show her just how much she means to me.

After one more kiss, she sits up, and I already miss her warmth. “I should go check on how Josh and the others are,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze. “I’ll send them in to visit in a little bit, they’ve been pretty antsy to see you.”

She gets up to leave, but I call after her. “Dani? Get some sleep, okay? For me.”

She smiles, nodding. “I will.”

And with that, she gently shuts the door behind her. Several minutes pass by and I’m suddenly aware of just how sore I am from lying in bed for so long. I want to get up and stretch my legs, but I don’t trust my legs to hold me yet.

There’s a quick knock at the door and Sparrow pokes his head inside, lighting up when he sees that I’m awake.

“Cassy!” He exclaims, throwing open the door and rushing in to kneel by the bed, followed by Josh and Quentin.

“Hey guys,” I laugh, cringing at the pain as I do so.

“I knew you’d pull through, Cassy!” Sparrow gushes. “I didn’t doubt it for a second!”

“Really?” Josh teases. “Because if my memory serves, you were balling your eyes out for an entire day after the surgery.”

“You must be suffering from memory loss,” Sparrow quips back. “Those were happy tears, man. Happy tears.”

“Sure they were,” Josh rolls his eyes playfully, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“How did the trip for those supplies go?” I ask them, noting a few scrapes and bruises on the boys.

Josh and Sparrow exchange glances, then look back through the door, where Owen is watching us carefully.

“Besides a heated argument that nearly got us killed,” Josh sighs, “it went alright. We had a few close calls, but other than that, we made it out just fine.”

My eyes fall to my lap as guilt crawls its way into my chest. “I’m sorry…” I mutter.

“What? No, don’t apologize!” Sparrow says, patting my shoulder. “You’re our friend, man, and I know that if we were in the same situation, you’d do the same for us. That’s what friends do.”

I manage a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes, nodding. “You’re right,” I tell them, hoping to avoid further argument.

I need to be better in the future. Shit like this is exactly why it took Felix, Octavia, and I four years to get to the CDC. It was shit like this that killed my little brother. My heart aches at the sudden stab of memory.

Is that how he felt in his final moments? Numb, cold, and scared for his life? Is this what happened to him?

Josh and Sparrow’s eyes go wide with concern as they watch me, and I finally realize that I’m shaking, trembling, and my breathing is ragged. It feels like my throat’s about to close up, and my heart is racing. All I can hear is the thundering rush of blood in my ears as it feels as though all of my joints are locking up. I can see Josh and Sparrow’s mouths moving, but I can’t hear what they’re saying.

I put my brother through that horrible pain. I wasn’t able to save him from hours of agony. He died scared, and yet I live. I lived through the same torturous situation while my brother, my little brother, died and turned, his fate reduced to a scalpel to the back of his head.

It’s not fair.

Why am I alive and he isn’t?

What sort of twisted ironic bullshit is this?

I should have died here, left to turn as he did and relive the experience.

He should be the one left standing, not me.

My hands are shaking uncontrollably.

The bed is replaced with hard concrete, littered with bodies.

A face appears before mine, hair red like fire and her one good eye alive with malice.

“No,” I croak. “No, please, get away from me!” I try pushing her away and my vision seems to snap.

I’m in bed, my chest aches, my throat tight, I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t breathe. Air come in bursts of gasping and gaping, and I can’t control my hands.

“You’re okay, Cass,” a soothing voice whispers somewhere in front of me. My vision is blurred, but I can make out the distinct face of Dani, right in front of me. “You’re lying here in bed, remember? You’re okay now. Focus on my voice, okay?” I nod my head, my panic spiking the more I try to move. “Take deep breaths with me, okay? Come on Cass, breathe with me.” She takes a deep breath and I try to mimic her, my throat catching as I try to fill my lungs with air. She slowly exhales through her nose, and I attempt to do the same, but it comes out choked. “You’re doing just fine, Cass. Focus on me, okay?” She leads me through more breathing as my vision slowly clears up, but my hands are wrapped around something warm and soft, gripped as tightly as I can.

Eventually, after nearly choking on air and spit, I’m calm enough to see that Dani had taken a hold of my hands and I’ve been gripping them like my life depended on it.

When did she get in here?

What happened to me?

I hear Josh and Sparrow, their familiar voices wrought with worry.

“What happened to her?” One of them asks.

“Likely a panic attack,” Dani answers.

My throat tightens as I attempt to speak. “A panic attack?”

Dani’s eyes find mine and she nods. “Either that or a PTSD episode.”

I shake my head. “How? Nothing happened though.”

Dani watches my face as she answers. “PTSD can be triggered by pretty much anything that brings on memories of a traumatic situation. It can be a smell, a sound, hell even just a thought.” She explains. “What matters though is that you’re safe now, and no longer in danger. You’re here, in bed, surrounded by your friends.”

I glance around, examining the worried looks my friends give me.

I have PTSD? How? I’ve been in hundreds of traumatic situations before, and never had an episode. I should be better than this, damn it! I’ve come this far and pulled through everything this God awful world has thrown at me, why did this suddenly throw me for a loop?

“Hey,” Dani’s soothing voice breaks through my thoughts and I can feel her hands on mine. “It’s okay, Cass. Going through what you have, it’s perfectly normal for something like this to develop.”

“But I should be better than this,” I snap back at her, suddenly angry. “This shouldn’t have happened, I should be better!”

“Cassandra, listen to me,” Dani says, squeezing my hands. “This is an unforgiving world now, even worse than before. I’d be more worried about you if you were completely unfazed by everything that’s happened.”

“That doesn’t matter, Dani!” I exclaim, and she flinches. “This just can’t happen again! I can’t be weak, not now! We still have so much that needs to be done, we can’t afford for me to be like this!”

The room grows quiet, and Josh and Sparrow exchange grim looks. Dani looks down at our hands, her own steady as mine shake.

“You’re not weak, Cass. You’re human,” she mutters. “You’re not an unfeeling robot, or an invincible god, you’re just a human, and it’s human to be scared.”

“But I can’t be scared,” I growl. “If I’m scared, and if I freeze up, or keep making mistakes like this, it’s going to get us all killed.”

She looks up at me, her face unreadable. “Is that why you kept trying to go on your own?”

I open my mouth to answer, but no words come out. Instead, a small choking sound escapes my lips, and I can’t speak. Josh and Sparrow stand beside Dani, both of them resting their hands on my arm.

“You don’t have to carry this weight on your own, you know,” Sparrow offers.

“We came with you for a reason, Cass,” Josh adds.

“Let us help you,” Dani all but begs. “You mean too much to us to shoulder this responsibility by yourself, and we can see how much it hurts you. And how much it’s changing you. You don’t have to be the only one to do this, you know.”

“But it’s my mission,” I mutter. “My uncle entrusted this to me. He trusted me to watch after my siblings, and now Felix is dead, and Octavia could be in danger, and I just left her behind.”

“Cass,” Dani says, trying not to sound annoyed as she shakes her head. “This stopped being just your mission when you showed up at Cottonwood. Don’t you trust us?”

Her question hits me hard like a knife in my chest, and her face is etched with worry, concern, and hurt.

“We watch out for each other,” Josh says. “We have each other’s backs.”

“And better yet,” Sparrow adds, “we help each other when one or more of us are in trouble.”

“I know it hurts,” Dani continues, “but we can take care of ourselves, and one another. We’re a family, Cass, and family takes care of each other. So let us take care of you.”

I’m too emotional to speak, and before I know it, tears are running freely down my face. Josh, Sparrow, and Dani envelop me in a hug I’m too weak to return, and it only serves to make me cry even harder. Dani rubs soothing circles into my back, muttering calming words quietly into my ear. We spend what feels like hours like this until I’m calm enough to breathe easier, and they let me go.

“So,” Sparrow says, and a silly grin splits his face. “If we’re a family, does that make me the funny uncle?”

I chuckle at that, my throat sore and tight.

“More like the weird younger brother who keeps making obscure references no one ever gets,” Josh teases.

Sparrow shrugs, smiling wider. “Eh, I’ll take it!”

Dani hugs me again, gentle, and sighs into my shoulder. “We all love you, Cass. I just want you to know that.”

I do my best to hug her back, melting into her embrace and breathing in her scent. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, okay?” Dani says, parting just enough to look me in the eye. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

I nod, the sincerity of her words almost making me cry again.

There’s another knock at the door, and John peeks inside. “Hope I’m not interrupting,” he says. The four of us look up at him as he enters, looking a little tense.

“We were just visiting,” Dani says, parting from the hug entirely, but holding on to my hand, and I’m grateful for the contact.

“I just wanted to come by and check up on how you’re doing,” Josh says, looking over at me. “I’m glad you’re awake now, because we need to talk about the soonest you’re able to move on.”