Aphrodite and I have a history, no doubt about it. When I saw her again for the first time in nearly five years memories of that history flooded into my head. I was blinded, overwhelmed, all I could think about was the last time we saw each other.

We met when I was only five years old. My parents are notorious for taking off at the drop of a hat and flying to some exotic place just cause. When they had me that sort of had to stop. To find a solution to their new problem they decided that every summer, starting when I was five they would send me off to summer camp just so they could go explore the world with each other.

I hated it at first. I wanted to be with my parents, not at a camp full of strangers. My cabin was full of campers just like me whose rich parents dumped them off to go do grown-up things and not have to deal with their children. That is how I met Aphrodite. She was my bunkmate and in my cabin.

I didn't like her at first because she was very mean when we met. One of those girls who act older than they are and commands the room with her presence. We butted heads badly. We were always fighting and getting into trouble. Then one day the camp counselors had enough and they stuck the two of us in a room and said we couldn't come out until we made nice.

As five-year old's, it went about as well as anyone expected meaning lots of shouting and crying was involved. But when no adult came to our rescue and we realized we were really stuck in the room until who knows when something changed between us. We went from hating each other to comforting each other as we were both scared and wanted to get out. Being a five-year-old you think everything is the end of the world until it isn't. We thought we were never going to get out of there. So that is how our friendship started.

We were only in the room for about three hours and they let us out for lunch but I swear to us it felt like forever. We were never the same. After that Aphrodite and I were best friends. We did everything together. By the time summer camp ended and we had to say our goodbyes we both cried and begged not to be forgotten.

Then the next summer we were reunited.

This went on until I was about 11. Then Aphrodite's dad decided to actually move into our area, now we didn't have to wait until the summer to see each other again. We didn't go to the same school, because Aphrodite's dad made her go to a private school. He was the one who convinced my parents to send me to private school.

Every summer at summer camp we would always share a bunk and be in the same cabin.

When I was thirteen, the last summer we had together, although I didn't know it would be our last at the time. We had snuck out of our cabin and sat by the lake late at night. Just looking up at the stars.

"I saw Monty checking you out earlier." I teased Aphrodite.

"He was not." She laughed.

"Was too! He nearly fell off his canoe trying to get a look at you." I playfully nudged her shoulder.

"Well, I didn't notice." She flipped her hair.

I giggled.

"You think Monty's cute?" she asked me.

"I don't know, the other girls do." I shrugged.

"But do you?"

I thought about it, at the time I had no clue I was gay or even grasped the concept of what a lesbian was. I was just barely starting to go through puberty. I was awkwardly taller than my peers. My chest was starting to fill out but not really there yet. I just looked awkward such as every kid does when they start going through puberty.

"Not really," I admitted.

"Me either." She stared at the stars.

"Well, who do you like then?" I smirked.

She was silent for a while.

"Aphrodite?" I eyed her.

"Can I tell you something?" she turned and looked at me with those big auburn eyes.

"Sure."

"I don't want you to tell anyone. Like no one. I mean it. Only you can know."

"Okay, what is it?" I scooted closer to her.

"I think... I think maybe I don't like boys." She said.

"Oh, then who do you like?" I said confused.

"I think maybe... I like girls..."

My insides felt all tingly when she said that to me. I felt my face flush and my heart start to race. When she said it, I knew I felt the same, maybe I had always known but I was too afraid to acknowledge it. But having her come out to me made me all queasy inside.

"Oh..." was all I said.

"You think it's weird don't you," she turned away, tears in her eyes.

My heart was skipping several beats. I felt my hands begin to tremble and my adrenaline rise. I didn't know where all these new feelings were coming from but they made me want to cry.

She turned to me when I still hadn't said anything.

"I knew it, I should have never said anything." She spat and was about to get up and leave.

I grabbed her wrist and held her in place.

She looked at me in confusion and I just leaned in and kissed her.

It was my first kiss ever.

Her eyes got so wide and her face got so red. I pulled away and I shaking. I was so terrified.

"I think... maybe... I like girls too." I whispered.

We stared into each other's eyes for what felt like all eternity and before I knew it she was leaning in and our lips met again.

We were only 13 so the kisses were very sloppy and pg 13. Nothing too exotic, we were just experimenting. We made out for a good few minutes and after that went back to the cabin and said nothing to each other.

For two days we didn't talk about it, we were both just so awkward about it. We didn't really know how to process this new development in our relationship. Finally, she could take my silence no more and as we laid in our bunks at night, with four other girls also in our cabin Aphrodite climbed into my bed and on top of me.

"What are you doing?" I hissed.

"Shh!" she covered my mouth with her hand.

I glanced at the other girls sleeping soundly before looking back at Aphrodite. She slowly removed her hand and stared into my eyes. I felt my face heat up. She then leaned down and kissed me again. I closed my eyes and kissed her back.

This time we were a little more daring. She touched me and ran her hands up my arms and chest. I wrapped my arms around her and deepened the kiss for the first time, truly experiencing what a real kiss was supposed to feel like.

We were hormonal teenagers and we made out like that for about an hour before she just laid next to me in the bunk.

"Wow," I said.

"Yeah, wow." She giggled.

"I think I like you," I said.

"I think I like you too." She smiled at me.

"Does that mean you are like my girlfriend now?" I asked.

"I don't know." She shrugged.

"Do you want to be?" I asked.

She smiled and nodded.

"Then we'll keep it a secret." I kissed her lightly.

"Okay." She smiled against my lips.

So for the rest of that summer, we were secretly girlfriends, no one knew because we had always been close so they didn't really think much of it. We made out more times than I can count that summer, but it never went farther than that.

When summer ended is when the real gut punch came.

All summer her dad was trying to work out a really good business deal, one that would take her from being well off, to being filthy stinking rich. Stupid rich where you have more money than you know what to do with. He was able to finally seal the deal, the catch, they had to move to the U.K.

When we came back from camp all her stuff was already packed up and she left literally the next day. I hated her for it. I blamed her. My heart was broken and I pushed all my anger onto her. Even though I knew in my heart it wasn't her fault. I was just so bitter about the whole thing. And maybe I did cry for two weeks about it, but I never tried to reach out to her or anything. I was just wounded. My first love, the girl who made me realize who I am, gone out of my life just like that.

After the whole fiasco, I came out to my parents and no one else. Of course, my parents told the whole family, but that couldn't be helped. I never thought I could fall in love ever again after that. I closed myself off and couldn't bring myself to make any other friends, but somehow friendship and love found me.

Before I knew it I had forgotten all about Aphrodite and everything that happened and I was in it deeply for a certain adorable redhead. I was scared to tell her, scared that she wouldn't feel the same way. But then she did and then she didn't. Skylar stole what was left of my heart and now I just feel wounded and bitter all over again.

Seeing Aphrodite again after all this time was the shock of a lifetime. I was brought back to that summer, to all our shared kisses and to our special bond. A bond that I've never had with anyone but her. I was overwhelmed and not in my right state of mind.

Skylar had yelled at me, called me out in front of Jade. She showed me a side of her I had never seen before. I didn't even know Skylar could get that jealous. I was both faltered and annoyed by it. She pissed me off, she was the world's biggest hypocrite.

I couldn't say who she got to be friends with, but there she was trying to say who I could be friends with. It stung. I wasn't thinking clearly, I was hurt and confused and feeling all sorts of things I hadn't felt in a long time.

When Aphrodite came by my house to check on me... things just...

I didn't mean to...

It just...

Happened.

I was ranting to her about Skylar, about Jade, about the hypocrisy of it all. She sat and listened, imputing her two cents. Agreeing with everything I said. I was all wound up in righteous fury. I felt vindicated in my anger and that Skylar had no right. I was Darleen Grayson and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. Be around whoever I wanted.

Even my ex-girlfriend, the girl who I was once deeply in love with, the girl who helped me find myself, a best friend who I hadn't seen in five years, hottest girl I know.

She comforted me, assured me I was in the right. It was almost as if she never left. She wasn't even phased by how much I had changed over the years. It was like she had been there all along. Before I knew it, I had leaned in and kissed her.

She didn't even miss a beat, as if she had been waiting for it to happen, she quickly kissed me back.

These kisses were different, we were older now, more experienced. We weren't just pubescent teens anymore. We had both filled out and became the butterfly out of the cocoon of awkwardness. Things were different this time around, in more ways than one.

Yet we embraced our differences and picked up right where we had left off that summer.

She pushed me down onto the bed and I ran my hands up her back, my tongue forcing its way into her mouth. She moaned into me. For a moment I forgot all about Skylar and my life and all the drama in it. It was just me and her and I liked it like that.

I quickly pulled her out of her clothes and she did the same to me. Her lips explored my body and only then did it cross my mind that I shouldn't be doing that. But instead of stopping, I said,

"Don't leave any marks, I don't want my girlfriend to see."

Those words still haunt me to this day.

Why did I say them?

Why didn't I stop her?

Every time I think of what happened those words come back into my head. I feel sick to my stomach and I think about what it means, how I was dismissive of Skylar as if she didn't matter. Even though she does matter, more than I would like to admit.

I wasn't myself; I was a thirteen-year-old reunited with her friend. A girl with a broken heart finding the missing pieces. I was an upset girlfriend with a superiority complex. I wasn't myself and Aphrodite took advantage of my emotional state.

Things went farther than they ever should have between us. Farther than I can admit. Farther than I want to think about or address. Farther than an emotionally broken girl should have ever gone were she in her right state of mind.

The scary thing was, it was amazing. Better than anything I had experienced with Skylar. Aphrodite knew what she was doing, that was clear. She touched me in ways I didn't know I could be touched. She loved me in ways, I didn't know I could be loved. It was the best sex I had ever had. So good that for a moment I even forgot Skylar existed and I was convinced that the whole thing had been a bad dream and that Aphrodite and I had been together ever since camp.

Then Skylar had to come knocking at the front door the next morning.

Shattering the illusion.

I felt so sick, I wanted to cry, to throw up, to run away. But I sucked it up. I pretended nothing happened, I acted like things were okay between us. I kissed Skylar, just to compare how the two kisses varied.

Kissing Skylar was not like kissing Aphrodite, it was way better. Aphrodite was all about lust and strong emotions, Skylar was all about comfort and warmth, love and protectiveness. I was reminded all over again how I fell in love with her.

I thought I could put the whole thing behind me and pretend it never happened. Skylar was so jealous of Aphrodite, and Aphrodite egged her on by hanging all over me. After Aphrodite left Skylar basically attacked me, as if she was trying to prove herself.

We had sex, but... it didn't feel like what it felt like to be with Aphrodite like that. Sure it was good, and I liked it, but it wasn't mind-blowing or breathtaking as I knew it could be.

That night I didn't get a wink of sleep. My guilt ate away at me. I knew I had to tell her first thing in the morning I went to her house but she wasn't there. I panicked. Had she found out on her own somehow? Was she ignoring me on purpose? Why wasn't she answering? Does she hate me now?

Finding out she was with Jade was the straw the broke the camels back. I snapped. I projected my guilty conscious on to her and accused of her cheating. I was quick to jump the gun because I wanted her to be guilty, I wanted to have some reason for what I did to be okay.

But then when I took her up to the room and she began to beg me not to say what I was about to say. I broke inside. How could I stay with her after what I had done? I loved her too much for that. I couldn't tell her what I did, I knew it would break her apart. So I ended it, I blamed it on Jade. And yes that was part of the reason why I ended it, but not the whole truth. The whole truth is that I fucked up and I couldn't own up to it, I didn't want to. I would rather lose her forever than ever hurt her like that.

So that's what I did.

I knew if we broke up I was basically shoving her into Jade's arms. It hurt me to do it, hurt even more to find out that they got together only days later. I did the right thing though, or so I tell myself. And even now, all this time later, I still think about what I did, and why I did it. I still feel guilty, I still don't understand it.

Why did I do it?

I don't think I'll ever truly know.