"I know you miss the world, the one you knew

The one where everything made sense

Because you didn't know the truth, that's how it works

'Til the bottom drops out and you learn"

~Orpheus, Sara Bareilles

.

...Sunday

Elena was doing dishes when she heard her phone start ringing in the living room. Her mother didn’t call her unless absolutely necessary since she was always busy and knew Elena was usually at work. It could be Ruby calling her to check on her.

She realized it was the Messenger ringtone before she picked up her phone. Another weird occurrence because no one called her through Messenger…

Staring at the screen, the incoming caller’s name and picture immediately filled her with dread. She felt her heart drop to her stomach, her arms heavy—she was surprised she didn’t let the phone drop to the floor. She denied the call and stood there breathing heavily.

What the hell?

Ring, ring, ring.

She gasped as the phone’s screen lit up again with an incoming call. The same person, the same name. The reason, unknown. She didn’t want to find out. She denied the call again and dropped her phone on the couch as if it was on fire. Why? Why?

After it rang a third time, she denied the call again and turned her phone off. She sat on the couch, on the opposite end from the phone, eyeing it nervously. Her head was starting to pound, her eyes watery. The way she was biting into her lip, she was sure she’d break skin if she already hadn’t done so. Pretty soon, she started shaking, her breathing erratic, and her teeth chattering.

Elena closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Tried to take a breath more like, because she couldn’t make it reach her lungs entirely. She tried again, always not enough. She felt the saltiness of her tears as they spilled out of her eyes and down her face, catching her lips as she leaned over slightly to hold herself against the couch. God, her chest was aching!

She had to get out of here. She needed air. The room was rapidly becoming an enclosure, caving in on her. Elena stood up quickly, swaying slightly from the rush, and made her way to the big kitchen window, throwing it open.

It was a while before her body stopped shaking, before she was able to take a proper breath. Why? Why after all this time?

She made her way to her room and climbed into bed. Even though it was only seven, she wanted to sleep. Maybe she could sleep it all way? Maybe it was just a horrible dream?

Knowing that she would lay awake for a while as the thoughts of what just happened ran through her head, she decided to take some Benadryl. Grabbing two, she tossed them back and waited. It wasn’t long before she could feel eyes become heavy and it wasn’t much longer after that before she passed out…

…MONDAY

Meow!

There was something meowing in the background of Elena’s mind. It was a blurry sound like listening through a hollow tube underwater.

Meow!

She opened her eyes slightly and came face to face with Tobey who was sitting by her head. He meowed again and nuzzled her. He was probably hungry, his stomach directing his actions. She turned to check her bedside clock. Five in the morning.

“Ugh. Give me a second cat. Let me clear my head for a second.” Tobey meowed once more and jumped off the bed, eyeing her from his spot on the floor.

She didn’t feel like getting out of bed. Her whole body felt like it had been hit by a bus, heavy, exhausted, her head pounding. The heaviness in her chest from last night hadn’t completely disappeared and she was a little dizzy, probably some after effect of the Benadryl she had taken. She rolled out of bed and went to the kitchen to feed Tobey who didn’t care what she was feeling as long as he got fed.

She went to find her phone, turning it on to see that she had three missed calls from the same person. There were two text messages from Dr. Ross wishing her a goodnight, and five text messages from Ruby saying she was just checking in to see how she was doing.

Like crap, she thought.

Because she didn’t want to get out of the house today, she dialed her supervisor’s number and left a voicemail that she was calling in that morning due to personal reasons. With that, she went back to bed, willing herself to pass out until further notice.

It was about three in the afternoon when Elena finally decided to climb out of bed. She washed her face, brushed her teeth and went to find something to eat though she wasn’t hungry. Tobey climbed into her lap immediately as she settled into the couch with a bowl of cereal.

She put on Netflix and cuddled into the couch, dragging a blanket over herself as she sat there. Trying to turn her brain off from bad memories and thoughts crossing her brain was always hard for her. It would start with herself thinking about every single little thing she might have done—her fault or not—and what words she had received. Her brain brought up every little word and remark she’d gotten through grade school and soon, she was thinking about every little thing she hated about herself.

Her pale skin and the freckles across her nose. Her lips that she felt were too big for her face that she had inherited from her Latin mother. The mud-brown color eyes that were too big for her face, the copper colored curly hair that was frizzier than curly on some days. She had inherited that hair from her father who passed away when she was about ten and Elliot had been four. She remembered her father, big jolly giant of a man with fiery red hair who reminded her of a Viking and whom she thought was invincible until he wasn’t.

She hated her body, her legs too long, her thighs fuller than she’d want them to be and the breasts that she hid because they always just brought her trouble... Because she knew how bad she could get, how dark her thoughts could go, she started flipping through Netflix trying to find something to watch, not really paying attention to what she was actually looking for.

She was still on Netflix when she heard the doorbell ring, startling from her daydream.

“What the—?” She glanced at her phone. Six in the afternoon.

The bell rang again and she sighed. She made sure that she looked half alive before going to open it.

“Yes?”

Ben was about to walk away when Elena answered the front door.

“Yes?”

“Oh, you are here.” He had thought she was out even though her car was in the drive way. He knew she was a runner and wondered if she had gone for a run. “May I come in?”

“Sure. Come on in.” She said as she stepped to the side. She felt a bit out of sorts as she thought about what she was currently wearing— a baggy faded My Chemical Romance t-shirt that had seen better days and sweat pants— while the doctor appeared proper as ever with his pressed pants and long sleeve button down shirt. At least you’re wearing pants, she told herself with a shrug. I call that a success. “Take a seat, I’ll make you something to drink.”

“Alright, thanks.” He took a seat on the couch, dropping his bag onto the floor, Tobey immediately coming over to climb on his lap as if he belonged there. “You weren’t at work today,” he started as he patted the cat on its head. “What’s up?”

Nothing. Everything. “Wasn’t feeling too great this morning,” she said with a shrug as she put some water to boil for his tea.

“Something I can help with?”

“Nah, I’m good.” Unless you can make animals like Kyle Foster disappear.

“I thought it was unusual that you had called in since you’re always there.” Tobey purred loudly as his head was scratched. He didn’t really care for the human at all, but if he was able to get his head scratches, then he was okay with him. Okay enough. He still disliked that blundering ball of drool he brought last time.

“Yeah. I know. I was just...” in bed dying, “Not feeling that great. I’ll be back tomorrow. How was your Saturday?” She added, changing the subject to something besides herself. She brought him his tea and took a seat on the opposite couch.

He shrugged. “It was fine. I ended up seeing Sherry is... not that bad once you get to know her. I'm just having trouble with not hurting her feelings. I’m not used to being in a relationship.” Yeah, because you never show your face outside the bedroom. He felt like a dick saying it out loud, but he knew it was true. “I know she’s trying, but we don’t really have a lot of likes in common. She didn’t even know what Dragon Ball was.”

Elena had to smile at that. She wasn’t into cartoons anymore as much as she used to be when she was a girl, and perhaps the only anime she’d gotten into was Sailor Moon and maybe Pokemon, but at least she knew what Dragon Ball was. Everyone knew what Dragon Ball was. From the frustrated look on his face, she could tell that he was annoyed at Sherry’s lack of knowledge.

“Well, she grew up differently, I'm sure.”

“She’s too young for me.” Ben pondered on that comment. It hadn’t bothered him before but now that he stopped to think about it, it would explain a lot of things between them.

“I’m sure she’s not. I think we’re the same age.” Elena thought back to the pretty blonde with her blonde hair, blue eyes, and voluptuous...err, personality. She was sure she might even be a few years older. She noticed Ben glancing over at her.

“Depends on if you’re a 23-year old as well,” he said with a cock of his head. Elena gaped, looking surprised herself.

“Uh, no. I guess I'm older?” She laughed nervously. “She looks...experienced.” Ben shrugged. They had carded her at the club and he'd wondered why. She'd laughed it off when the bouncer had mentioned she was younger than she'd look.  She'd said it was the make-up, briefly showing Ben her ID as well.

“She is.” He noticed the way that Elena brought a hand to her cheek, trying to hide her blush. “I thought she was older.” The way that she had come on to him after a rep dinner caught his attention. He didn’t deny her advances because he was, well a man, and if she was willing, so was he. She didn’t act like a 23-year old at all. Although, to be fair he was sure that was 23-year olds acted nowadays.

“And you are?” Elena asked him as she sipped her tea.

“What?”

“How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking you.” She thought he looked fairly young, so she doubted he would be anything older than thirty-four, thirty-five at most.

“Thirty-four.”

“Wow. ” She commented with a whistle. "Cradle snatcher." He scowled at that.

“I didn’t know she was only that age.” With a frown, he added, “I have posters on my wall that are older than she is. My Dragon Ball poster is the same age she is.” Fucking hell.

“Oh, lord.” Elena chuckled. “Well, if she’s okay with it, maybe you should be as well. You get along fine, even if it’s on the physical aspect.” Ben could feel his face heat up. He was a fucking open book when talking to Elena. He knew that sometimes he spoke of things that should make him blush but she was so calm and nonjudgmental that he was at ease speaking with her.

“I suppose.” he thought for a moment. Sherry was nice, but he couldn’t see another reason why he had to build a deeper relationship with her. Sure, they’d been sleeping together for a couple months now, but if he was honest with himself, on his part it was mostly sex. “Would I sound like a complete asshole if I say it’s mostly sex?”

Elena blinked, her eyebrows rising like McDonald’s arches on her face. “Oh. Okay.”

“The reason this relationship started was because of sex. The only reason why I keep dealing with her tantrums is because of it.” Elena didn’t quite know what to say. She could tell he was having trouble understanding his feelings, and was unhappy with the way his relationship with Sherry was, but she didn’t think she was the best person to give him advice regarding sex. She was the last person on Earth right now concerned about being intimate with people. “I feel like an asshole to say it, but it’s physical with her. I don't do well with relationships.”

Ouch. As a woman, it sucked to hear him say it. As a friend, she tried to be understanding.

“Okay. Then what is the problem? Can’t you break it off? Or...” She paused as she tried to find the right words to use. “Or do you really need it that much that you’d rather suffer in silence and make her believe that you care for more than just, uh, sex?” Oh god, she could feel her cheeks burning even if she tried to maintain a poker face.

He blushed and ran a hand over his face. Finally, he looked at Elena. “No. I don’t need it. It's always just been that...if it’s available, you take the opportunity. You know how it is.” Oh, yeah. She definitely knew how it was. Except his words, as simple as he said them brought images of something else to her. If it’s available, you take the opportunity...Fucking Kyle.

“No, I don’t know how it is, but I suppose you have a point,” she replied as calmly as possible and without all the anger he had instantly ignited in her. “But, excuse me if I sound harsh, you have two hands, and you know what I'm getting at.” Whatever.

“Ah.” He smirked and dropped his gaze. “Yeah.” Wow. He dared to glance up at her from behind his lashes. She was staring at the window with a disinterested look on his face. He didn’t know where to place her, was she always so aloof?

It worried him that she was acting very aloof. More than usual. Ever since that first day when he’d driven her home, something had changed. He still hadn’t decided if it was for the best or worst, and he didn’t like it. She had a hard poker face.

He noticed her outfit, large baggy shirt, sweat pants. Her red hair was down and wild. He smiled at that. She must be comfortable enough with his presence to let herself be seen with her hair down. Or she simply doesn’t care about what you think, he thought with a frown. Probably the latter.

With a sigh, he stood up, taking the cup with him. “I suppose I should be on my way.” Elena turned to him. “I just wanted to check on you.”

“Thanks. You shouldn’t have.”

“Hey, I’m picky. I wanted to make sure that my nurse was still alive,” he said with a smile and she nodded in agreement though she couldn’t bring herself to smile back. “Thank you for the tea.”

“No problem. You can leave the mug there, I'll take care of it,” she said as she pointed at the coffee table.

“Alright, well see you tomorrow?” He asked as he pulled on his jacket.

“Yeah. I’ll be there.” I have to, I can’t afford to take days off. Think of Elliot.

“Alright. Sounds good. Have a good night,” he told her as he went out, waving at her before getting in his car. He looked at her once more before he pulled out and drove away.

With a sigh, she shut the door and went back inside. She figured she should eat something, but she was actually hungry. She fed Tobey his dinner and after brushing her teeth, she climbed into bed, but not before popping two more Benadryl like the night before.