Kiss Me

Part Twelve

Aya

   It felt like a Sunday even though it was only Saturday. Middle of the week always screwed with me. Days seemed to disappear. And my unhealthy behavior lately wasn’t normal. I wasn’t well. Did I really think I could last like that? None of it had felt right. It was as if my life was being filmed in front of a live studio audience and no one showed me the script.

Over the last few days I thought about many things. About my life. My upbringing. My misery. About my mom. Although we've been through so much years back, she was still my mom. I know all too well how she'd tried to protect me from my father and if that meant her being weak for him not to hurt me, she did it. I just didn't realize. I blamed her for everything. So I decided enough was enough. I'm going to see my mom. I needed to be the bigger man and deal with my shit if I have any reservations about moving forward. I guess I just needed to hear from my mom that I'm not really weak and frightened, it's just a veil I'm too scared to pull back.

I walked up the steps and instantly knew mom was home. The volume with which she was listening to her favorite album was the tip off. The Grease soundtrack was cranked. As I opened the door and stood in the foyer of her split-level townhouse, I smiled to myself and listened to her croon. That woman knew every single word. To every single song. On both sides of both records. I’d heard her sing them plenty of times, but only when she thought she was alone, back then. In her solitude the woman wailed. It wasn’t bad, she sang in key. It was just funny because it was my mom. Overdramatic was not her gig, but she could’ve made a damn fine career as a backup singer for the Pink Ladies.

"Mom!" I shouted from the door as I pulled off my coat and tucked my scarf and gloves in the sleeve. "I’m here!"

She popped her head around the staircase wall and smiled at me. "Aya," I felt the familiar pang of pain and tears. "Come here baby." It was all she had to say to have me sprinting into her arms.

"I'm sorry mom, it took me so long to come back home. I'm so sorry."

She hushed me as she held me in her arms making me see a glimpse of our past. The moment that wicked man had finished hurting my mom she would console me. I'd be crying for being scared. When really it should have been my mom crying for fear and me consoling her. "Your home, it's all that matters."

"You still smell the same." I choked and buried my face in her neck. She's so much smaller than me now. Her hair was longer and dark, but she smelt like my mom, that familiar scent of flowers. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you Aya," she whispered pulling away from me. "But I also understand."

"There's nothing to understand, I ran because I was scared. I was selfish. I'm still so selfish."

"But, you have good friends."

I cocked my head feeling confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, they call me from time to time to let me know what you're doing and if you're eating well. But what I loved more is that they'll tell me that you're smiling."

"Mom...really?"

"Yeah, Z tells me as much as he can without you finding out. Because I know you Aya, you will always blame yourself for anything that happens in your life that makes you worry."

"He's a good friend. I guess I take so much for granted, huh."

"We all do at some point. Hey, let's eat something. What do you want? I'm preparing dinner, but it's still a little early for that."

"I don't mind."

As we went into the kitchen, it was evident that she'd been in there whipping up something for dinner. By the looks of it, she was making meatloaf. Yuck. "So how is everything? I'd rather hear from you than your friends? Do you have pictures of them? Are you really okay?" she asked as she went back to her wad of meat.

Taking a seat at the island, I absentmindedly opened a cooking magazine and began flipping through it, trying to land on what to say and what to hold back. "I have pictures, I'll show you later. Are you okay though?" I asked. My leg was bouncing on the rung of the stool I was perched on. I felt waves of nervousness come and go like an emotional tide in my belly.

She cracked a few eggs and tossed the shells in the trash, but when she did, the face she gave me indicated she’d caught on to my conversation shift. "Aya, I'm doing well. I'm happy and content now."

"I'm glad, really."

"You should bring your friends next time. I'd love to meet them in person."

"Mom," I said, and shoving the cookbook away from me. "Are you not mad at all that I've left it so long? That I ran when you needed me the most?"

Turning to me she smiles. Its warming, but how much if it is the truth. " Aya, truthfully." She said leaning towards me. "When you left, it was like my world closed in around itself. It hurt. But….it made me realize how bad of a mother I was back then…"

"You weren't a bad mom," I tried to say.

"I was. I put my vulnerable young son in a dangerous situation every day. I was just too scared to get out. Back then I had no one but you and your father. I stayed because I had nowhere else to go, then losing you made me see how weak I really was and now I have all this," she said pointing to her home. "And a good husband. He loves hearing about you. I love hearing about you too."

"I'd love to meet him, it's a shame he has to be at work."

"Aya, we have all the time in the world. I'm just happy you finally called me yourself. And now your here. Plus, if you stay you can meet him later."

"Then I'll stay tonight."

"Great."

I'm finally smiling, a smile that's not a lie. "I'm sorry, for everything. For not being strong enough to protect you."

"Aya," she said in a serious tone that had me straightening. "Listen to me. You were a child, you couldn't protect me. I was the adult. Don't ever blame yourself, ever. In life nothing is ever easy. But you can make it better. We've both made our lives better, we needed this time to find ourselves and I knew that soon you'd come back, when you were ready."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for anything mom."

"Are we talking about the situation at hand or something else you're afraid to face?"

"Something…" I paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. Or the right word for that. "....Someone."

"I see," she said moving away. "Love?"

"Love...I guess the word is pretty scary."

"Not really. It's a beautiful word when it's spoken from the heart."

"Thanks mom. I really needed this. Need you."

"No matter what. No matter how far you are, you'll always have me. Now go wash up and I'll make us something to eat."

I nodded in response and moved from the island and wandered through the house. I'm so happy that my mom has someone who really loves and cherishes her. She deserves it the most in this world.

I ran my fingers over pictures, happy pictures with her husband. I valued seeing the love they had for one another. Standing there, I was a little jealous of how easy it came for them. I wondered if they’d ever struggled in love. I guess. But with my eyes wide open, seeing them together felt like the confirmation I was looking for. That from pain and heartbreak you can feel again. It's not impossible. If you want it, just reach out your hand and take it.

I finally found the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I stare at my face in the mirror. I've done this so many times, but always always looking back at me was a guy I just didn't know. I felt like a stranger in my own skin. Always empty eyes. But not anymore. I see myself, I see Aya. I feel like me, the real me.

Then I feel warm thinking about Henley. It was the first time I’d treated my feelings like reality. He really was my reality. My truth. When I thought about it like that, I began looking forward to our reality being out there for all to see. Weight seemed to lift off me as I ran my hands under the warm water. When I looked at my reflection, I saw a smile in my eyes. It felt so good knowing I was finally going to let it all out. Then, it spread to my mouth. Everything was going to be alright. This was happening. I was doing the right thing and I could feel it throughout my whole body. "Wait for me, Henley," I whispered through the silence. "Please wait for me." I choke back a sob. I don't want to cry, not anymore. I've spilled so many tears lately I thought I'd have nothing left. Shit. I thought and ran from the bathroom back to my mom. "Mom…" I breathe out. "I can't stay, but I promise I will come back and I'll bring someone with me."

She smiles and moves towards me. "Go make it happen Aya and never hide from yourself again."

"I...I love you mom. I promise I will come back."

"I can't wait to see you again," she said brushing her fingers over my cheeks. "I love you too son." With that I flung my arms around her and held her with everything I had. "Go, go to him."

"I will. Bye mom." She nods and swipes a lone tear from her cheek. I smile and turn away then left. The cold hit my face, but it definitely couldn't steal the warmth in my chest. Finally, I can see my path and I'm walking it.