I have gotten lost amongst the chaos of my mind.

"They have found him." Wichata had been knocking on my door frantically seconds before he blurts it out. At first, I do not understand what he is saying. 

"They found him. Him." His sunken eyes are frantic and wide. 

"Who?" I feel my world spiraling. Wichata does not look happy or pleased; he looks terrified. So what he says next should not have come as a surprise, but it still felt like a stab wound. 

"Kayon." I feel dizzy. I sit down in the chair next to my table.

"H-how? What happened?" I can barely breathe.

"The war- he must have been a Finlurian soldier."

"Why do you speak as if he is no longer?" I brace myself for the answer.

"They performed the Sunblood ritual."

I feel my eyes begin to burn. Disgust and anger shoot through me. My hands are in fists. I slam a fist down on the table, startling the old man. He approaches me. 

"I'm sorry. I know what he meant to you." 

"What he means to me. We do not know if he is dead. I will send the guard."

Wichata's eyes seem sadder than usual. They seem more pitying than usual. I hate being pitied. But then again, my life is utterly pathetic. 

"I do not advise that. It is dangerous and could start a civil war."

"Wichata, I do not give a flying fuck." My position does not allow me to use such language, but this man is the closest thing I have ever had to a parent. For that reason, my words are not as censored around him. Although, I am so used to speaking properly, I forget that I need not be around him. So my shamelessness catches him off-guard. 

"My dear boy..." He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"No. Don't do that. Don't pity me. I can't handle that right now. Go tell the captain to send a brigade of the combats."

"I do not-"

"If I wanted your advice, I'd ask. Nevermind. Tell him to see me immediately. Don't tell him about the attack. "

With that, he nods and leaves. 

* * *

Tirogh wants to slap me. I can tell. His lips have tightened, and his jaw is slightly protruding. His arms are crossed. That is how I know he is really pissed.

"May I ask why?"

"No." He makes a slight groan-like noise. 

"How many men?"

"A thousand."

His eyes widen. He goes to object, but as always, he restrains himself. 

"There's more." 

"Of course, there is." He gestures for a chair next to mine, and when I nod, he sits down. 

"Capture the younger woman. Kill anyone that tries to get in the way."

"I don't-"

"Do not take any spoils. That is not what you are there for. Anyone who is caught with anything, cut off their hands."

"But-"

"Search for a boy. He should be a young man at this point. He'll be unlike the Kayon. He'll stand out. Get him here safely."

"I really don't-"

"Do not let the guards know of this boy's importance. Do not let anyone know. He is to be brought in the same cages as the women."

"Raulyn..."

"If he is violated by any of the men, slit their throats."

"What is this?" He finally gets a word in. His voice is louder than usual.

"This is me being impulsive. This is me holding on to something that I probably should have let go a long time ago. This is me- this is me trying.”

He thinks for a moment. “Okay. We'll leave at sunrise."

"Now."

He sighs and stands up to leave.

"Thank you."

He turns around and bows slightly. He then gives me a strained smile.

And then, once again, I am alone. I feel fear so deep, it burns inside of me. I need this to work out. I need this to be okay.

I need him to be okay.