I do not dare to dream in fear that I may wake up.

There are these secret moments when I become content with the world around me. A wind of internal calmness that caresses my entire being. A moment where the past was okay and nothing traumatic happened. A flash where the present is beautifully complex making it incredibly simple. An instant when the future shines brighter than the sun and darker than the night sky. I keep these periods of seconds locked away in my memories. I put them somewhere safe where they can rest, untouched. I let them bond with each other, conversing in all their glory. I let them become friends with one another. I let them sing and dance around- I let them be free.

But the problem with letting them be free is that you cannot lock them away as I have done. So, you must let them go, you must let them breathe. You don’t just give them the key; you open it for them.

And you watch them fade away, all those wonderfully discreet moments. And you forget about them. You forget that there were instances when everything seemed okay. You forget that it is possible to just take in all the pain and let it cleanse you.

* * *

Tirogh stands before me, exhausted and drained. 

"That bad?"

He gives me an annoyed look but says, "We found the boy." 

I to remain composed, but my heart betrays me. 

"Is he okay?" Based on his reaction to that question, I do not want to hear his response.  

"He's- he's alive. But..."

"What?" I feel myself losing patience.

"He's damaged. They must have put him through hell. He needs medical treatment as soon as possible." 

I want to scream. I want to destroy everything. I want to-

"But he's alive. He'll be okay. Now, can you tell me who he is?"

"He's- T, I don't know who he is." I don't lie, and Tirogh is utterly confused.

"What the bloody fu- what does that mean? You just sent us into Kayon to save some guy you don't know?" He's fuming. 

"Watch your tone."

"I don't understand!"

"For fuck's sake, I don't either! All I know is that he is crucial to the future of Linove...to the world." 

"That doesn't clarify anything."

"I just need you to trust me. Can you do that?" Tirogh takes in a deep breath and nods. 

"Now, tell me what happened."

"It was fine, really. Obviously, they put up a fight, but we only lost one man. "

"We lost a man? How did that happen?" Our soldiers were highly trained and had abilities far beyond any Kayon. No one should have died. 

He looks at me, cautiously before saying, "I killed him."

"What-"

"You told me to slit-"

"Did he-"

"I stopped it before..." He doesn't look me in the eyes. 

"What is it?"

"He has a sun carved into his chest." Sunblood.

"We- I was too late." I try to breathe, but I cannot seem to take in any air. I hear whimpered noises leave my throat. 

"It's not your fault. It happened two days ago. You couldn't have known."

"Two days?"

"Something must have happened."

Everyone knows that the ritual requires a final death. Why had they not completed it? My mind spins with horrible thoughts. We are interrupted by a guard saying, "They are ready for you, your majesty." I nod, and Tirogh looks at me with great concern.

"Are you ready for this?"

"I don't know, but I've been waiting for this moment my entire life."

He gives me a small smile and leads the way.