In the beginning of my sophomore year, I religiously watched films everyday. The university library had a great collection of films and I would watch at least one film per day. I studied during the day and watched a film or two at night. Films gave me something to look forward to every day. I felt sad whenever I was not able to watch a film ochpatern a particular day, likely due to having to study for tomorrow’s exam. I absolutely loved The Hunger Games at this time and would tell myself that if I committed suicide, I would not be able to watch its sequels, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire or The Hunger Games: Mockingjay. Around October 2013, my love for film reached a new level and a switch in my brain was turned on. I began to see movies in a new light, being able to pick up on story flaws in a heartbeat. Although I was enamored with film at this time, I still wanted to be a songwriter.
At this time, I began to experience severe depression, toying with suicidal thoughts often. On a particularly hard day when I broke down after seeing people with their friends at a school fair, I decided to meet the counselor who I would end up seeing once a week. I talked to her about my life. It was nice having someone to talk to and listen. It helped lift a heavy burden from my shoulders. Over the school year, I would talk to her about what happened in my life during the past week and if I experienced any depression and suicidal thoughts recently.
I often debated whether my depression was a result of my loneliness or studying something that I didn’t like. On some days, I felt like the loneliness outweighed the studying. However, on other days, I felt like studying outweighed the loneliness. I concluded that my depression was a result of both of those factors, fluctuating on which was more pervasive depending on the day.
Around March 2014, I decided that I would seriously tell my parents that I didn’t want to become a dentist. I have mentioned not wanting to become a dentist to them before, but I always mentioned it in an off-hand kind of way. Like as a joke to annoy them. I didn’t feel comfortable telling them seriously before as I’ve never talked to them about what I wanted and they never asked. And it was practically impossible revealing something that I held dear (my dreams) to someone who constantly put me down.
However, this time was different. I was suffocating in the program. I had thought about killing myself so many times. My mind often felt like it was going to split into two as I tried to maintain sanity while going against my grain. I knew this was something that I had to do if I wanted my life to change. I chose to tell them over the summer as it would allow me time to draft a speech, prepare mentally and not have to enter my third year. I spent a lot of time drafting this speech as I knew that it had to be perfect. I recited it to the counselor who was happy for me as I was doing something to change my life for the better. The following is that speech that I wrote. I included some inspirational quotes, which I hoped to recite to my parents, and pictures, which I hoped to show them, to make the speech more concrete and based on evidence:
I do not want to become a dentist. I’m serious. I don’t want to become a dentist. I hate science and do not want to spend the rest of my life studying something I don’t like to become something I don’t want to be. Since you are old, you think that you know all there is to life and you believe that you are wiser than us, so you think that you know what is best for us. However, that is wrong. The only person who knows what’s best for a person is that person themself. The only reason why you want us to be doctor or dentist is because of the money, but if you use money as the reason for wanting to have a certain job. You will become depressed (unless you don’t know better like you), as you will work 9 to 5 for 5 days a week doing something you don’t like until you retire when you are 70 or 80. Your view on life is black and white, but in reality, there are shades of grey that you are not even aware of. Life does not have to be so boring and plain. We make choices everyday that will secure our future. The choice that I am making today ensures that I change my future for the better, that I will live a life that I am proud of when I die. Everyone is unique and different. Some people like science, some people like art, some people like business. I am someone who likes art. I have always liked art. Even when I was young, I would draw, write, read, and listen to music. Unfortunately, parents have a huge impact of children’s attitudes. I remember when I said that I wanted to be a music producer when I was young, and you laughed. So, I believed that my dreams of becoming a music producer is not realistic. So, I then changed my future career, keeping in mind that any artistic career is fantasy. However, they are not fantasy. You have been conditioned by society and your peers that only a job in science or business is valid, but that is not true. If you have a dream, you have to chase it. That is the purpose of life; to chase your dreams. What would be the point of dreams if you don’t chase them? If you encouraged me to pursue my dreams at that age, I would have made something of myself. I would be working at a job that I love and be happy. However, you have taken away that hope and replaced it with convention. Benjamin Franklin said that “Most people die at 25, but don’t get buried until they are 75.” I do not want to be like that. You are fooling yourself if you think that you are leading a good life. Yes, there is a sense of comfort in safety and security, but, in the end, will that make you happy? Will that complacency help you to think that you lead a fulfilling life when you are on your dying bed? Is grades, studying and getting a stable job that important when, if you think about it, we are just specks of dust floating in space. The world is vast and I do not want to spend the short time I have here on Earth existing. I want to live, take risks, explore, love, laugh, and be happy most of all. I do not want to die with any of these regrets. However, I believe that you will die with some, if not all, of these regrets. Life is for the living & we should make the most of it. Not live boring lives with no risk or danger at all.
If that doesn’t convince you, then I will say that the reason why I cannot go back to the program next year is because I have depression, which is because of feeling trapped by both society and you. Expectations are the death of well-being and I am dying everyday, spiritually and mentally. I have had depression ever since I was in grade 11, but it has been very severe ever since I got to university. I have had suicidal thoughts because I felt that I will never be able to leave this path that you have put me on. I am a creative person, not a science person. You are trying to make me become something that I am not. This has lead me to despair and feeling like the only way out is to kill myself. It got to the point where I had to go see a therapist at the university. I have been seeing her once a week since the end of September. You will probably tell me to get anti-depressants to cure the depression. But I cannot take antidepressants for the rest of my life. The best way to eliminate depression is to remove the cause of the depression. In this case, the cause is your narrow-minded thinking that there is only one path for people to take. I want to become a singer-songwriter and I know that I have what it takes. I just need guidance and the practice to make up for the lost time…
I do not need your permission to chase my dreams because I will pursue them anyways. I just need your support. You have to let me do what I want because it is my life. I have thought about a plan to pursue my music career.
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