There's no way to describe waking up. The best way to describe it is like watching someone play a video game until the final stage and then handing you the controls. They learned how to play the game when the tutorial was still going on, when they were supposed to learn how to play. They made the important decisions that affected the games outcome, choices you wouldn't have made. That's the closes I can come to describing the moment when you wake up after the God stops inhabiting your body.
I had served as a Vessel to the God for the first forty years of my life, only to now have control over my own body. I stretched my fingers in front of my face, feeling the choppy and clunky movements I was telling them to make. I was a twenty year old with the motor controls of a toddler.
The doctors told me that I had a more adverse reaction than most to the awakening. That it was probably because the God had left my body earlier than most. I don't think they meant it to come off as mean, but it certainly sounded that way. As if I was suddenly unworthy of being a Vessel to the God.
They were still searching for the next Vessel. The next person who was "lucky" enough to be inhabited by the God. It could be anyone, anywhere. Though they were always found sooner or later thanks to the distinctive light gray eyes and the fact that they had to be born the second after the host stopped inhabiting my body. When they are found they will be taken away from their family, in order to be raised by the chosen Mother and Father.
The god had never gotten back in contact with my birth family like they sometimes did. We had seen their pictures and names once, but beyond that we had no idea what kind of people they were. The idea of returning to them had crossed my mind multiple times but I doubt that they would want to take in a daughter who had no way of existing normally in the modern world.
I knew my existence with the God had been an odd one. They had opted for a more solitary life, choosing to isolate themselves from the world and focus on a quiet life. I guess I had just been a more boring existence for them. It had long been known that the God wanted to experience as many different lives as possible. Our life was documented, like every other known instance of the God. Now that they were no longer sharing my life, I was inconsequential. I would get the basic aid I needed to adapt to solitary living, but after that I would be on my own.
A doctor came into my room to do a check up. I knew I had been steady for a while now, but I was dreading my release. Here I was in a state of limbo, not fully seperated from the God and not fully independent.
"Looks like you're all set. I'm going to clear you for release. A nurse will be by to help you through the release process," The doctor said. She didn't linger after that, quickly exiting the room. Why should she? I was fine now and had served my purpose.
Not wanting to wait for the nurse to come help me I got out of bed. The tile of the hospital floor was cold on my bare feet, and they wobbled as I did my best to gain my balance. I held tight to the bed. There was a clean set of clothes waiting for me on the single chair in the room. They had been there since I got here, nobody had needed to use the chair.
Getting myself dressed was difficult, and it took me a while with constant checks in the mirror to make sure they were on properly. I was lucky that they hadn't given me one of the more complicated outfits the God had enjoyed wearing.
The nurse entered. I had sat down in the chair, not enjoying the feeling of my knees constantly on the verge of giving out any second. She informed me that there was some press waiting outside, and asked if I would like to talk to them.
"I... don't... want..." My words came out choppy. I was still fairly new to talking and while I knew and understood all the words that were spoken to me I struggled producing them myself. Getting my mouth to move the correct way to make certain sounds. The nurse didn't let me finish, cutting me off by pulling out her phone and telling somebody, probably the driver, that they should meet us at an alternate entrance.
The nurse stood beside the chair and helped me stand. Walking far would prove a challenge. The nurse led me down hallway after hallway, pulling at the harm she had laced in hers as support. It was clear she would have preferred that I was able to walk faster, but I couldn't make my legs steady enough to brave an attempt.
A car was waiting for me outside. The windows were tinted, but other than that it was a forgettable car. It would take me to a recovery center. Somewhere quiet where I could develop my language and motor skills. Then, if history had any say, they would ship me off to an easy job that didn't pay nearly enough to make a living off of and forget all about me until some Indie group wanted to make a video about the mal-treatment of ex-Vessels. I would be their only option at that point.
The previous ex-Vessel was well into his 50's, and wasn't expected to live much longer due to a late stage cancer, but they had already made a documentary about him.
I took a seat in the back of the car and the nurse closed the door behind me before running back into the hospital, her pager in her hand. I wish that she would have stayed and helped me with the seatbelt instead of the door. I fumbled with the strap as the driver took off, turning a million turns before even leaving the hospital, driving past the unknowing press. I gave up on my seat belt.
"How far?" I asked. I had been rehearsing those two words in my mind for the past two minutes, and they sill sounded off when I said them.
"Not very, I'd say just under an hour or so," the driver responded curtly. He must not have been in the talking mood, because he turned up the volume on the radio. Music that I had only ever heard once or never filtered through the speaker system.
After some time, the radio host came back on, listing news events that had been playing on the TV that morning in my hospital room. Stuff about the president, international events and my awakening. I looked so much more alive in the pictures they had used on the news. Pictures from before my awakening. I don't know how I looked now, maybe hollow...
The radio began playing another song. This one I knew well. I bobbed my head out of time to the beat and enjoyed the scenery outside my window. The song faded out, and the radio host came back on.
"Sorry to interrupt your two hours of commercial free music but we have just gotten word that the next host has been found. There's no info out on who it is yet but the church has confirmed their validity. More to come soon." The next song started playing.
I just gazed into the nothingness and watched the blurred tree line as it zipped past. The connection was truly broken. That hole where the God used to occupy was now empty, leaving only me behind. Me who had only experienced the world I was now being thrust into as a spectator.
I would never get to be with the God again. I would never meet the next human who holds the honor of sharing their life with this mythical being until I am old and they too have this empty pit in their stomach and are faced with a world they have only ever seen and never experienced.
I felt myself crying, and was suddenly grateful that the driver wasn't paying attention to me. I had always been ashamed when we had cried, but the God knew how to embrace their emotions and accept them for what they were. They were the one thing we shared. That I had an ounce of control over.
My emotions would manifest in the God as a lesser version of what I actually felt, but that was okay so long as the God understood how I felt in a situation. That I could possibly have some impact in a choice.
The driver pulled up to a small hospital. The front entrance was done in brick, but there was clearly a new expansion off the back.
"This is it," the driver announced. He didn't even bother turning off the car as I got out. There were two nurses there to greet me and as soon as I was in their hands the driver took off. The nurses led me inside and showed me where I would be staying and what my schedule would be. I knew I should have tried to talk more, and show them what my level of production was, but there would be time for that. I was suddenly so tired, and anything more than a "yes", "no", or "okay" seemed impossible.
Don't get me wrong, I was excited to being my training and lessons, but for now I just wanted to be left alone and sleep. The nurses took the hint and brought me to my room. Before leaving the older one asked me a question:
"Before we go, could you let me know what you're gift is? It'll help us personalize you're training."
I considered what she just said, realizing that I should know what my gift was by now. I should have known as soon as the God left, it was their form of a parting gift, something to help with creating a new life for ourselves. The previous host had been gifted with expert knowledge in piano. We used to listen to his music, he was quite good. But what did I have. I searched my brain, trying to find any semblance of a parting gift, and instead was met with a longing. A gaping hole in my chest that I desired to fill with something anything.
The nurses must have took my silence as a form of me being unable to respond because they told me it was okay and they would ask again later. They promised to bring dinner before leaving. I slowly made my way over to my bed. The room was bare but I didn't have anything to personalize it with and with any luck I'd be out of here soon. I laid down and instantly fell asleep.
I woke up around 6 but nobody came with dinner. I was starving. The god had always kept a strict schedule that my body still followed even though I was in control of it now, and 5:30 was dinnertime. Luckily, I remembered where the mess hall was, and set out to get something with the food pass I had been given.
The God and I had always shared a taste in food. Something past Vessels have not always had luck in. But eating food myself had been one of the few greatest experiences of my awakening. My senses must have been dulled by the connection so the amount of flavor that exploded in my mouth from a simple hospital pb&j was extraordinary.
The food they served in the mess hall was buffet style, and we could take as much as we liked. I filled my plate with small servings of everything I liked from when I was with the God and savored the sudden newness of flavor everything had. I went back for seconds on the apple wedges, taking my time chewing them.
It took a while, but I was finally sated and got up to clear my tray. Ready to hobble my way back to my room. I was back in my wing of the hospital when I heard elevated conversation.
"She wasn't in her room just now, when I went to bring her dinner," one of the nurses from earlier said. I looked at the watch on my wrist, it was well past 7 and they were just now bringing me dinner. I was very glad I left when I did.
"You don't think she found out the next Host was born here do you?" a new voice spoke.
"I don't know. It hasn't been discussed anywhere near where she's being kept, but that doesn't mean she hasn't heard it somewhere else..."
"I'll go alert the NICU, you keep looking for her." They split off, and I essentially tripped into an open room in an attempt to hide in time.
I got lucky and they hadn't seen or heard me. It was clear I wasn't supposed to hear that conversation, and it was slightly thrilling to be in this situation, experiencing it for myself.
The God, here. I could see them again. They would be inhabiting a baby, so I couldn't talk to them, ask them why they left me so early, but I could at least see them. Maybe that would fill this hole they left. I looked around the room and noticed that it was an empty break room. On the TV was an old interview with the previous ex-Vessel. They were showing video footage of his awakening. The nurses on my case were probably studying it to figure out how to best help me.
I had seen this video before with the God. Recently in fact. We had watched it about a week before my awakening. A line from the interview jumped into my head.
"My awakening was freeing, everything clicked into place and I was finally myself again. Free to be whoever I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do. I don't regret my time with the God, but I would never go back to it."
Then why did I feel empty? Hollow? Like my body wasn't my own? Why didn't I feel like that? Free? Why did I still long for this connection that controlled my life? Why didn't I have a gift? Was this because the God left me too soon? Or was there another reason for this?
Comments (0)
See all