The last time an ex-Vessel had interacted with the God after their awakening the God had almost died, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the God wanted me to seek them out, complete the bond again. Maybe I didn't have a parting gift because we hadn't actually parted yet. Maybe the God didn't mean to leave me when they did. Could it be possible that this longing I felt meant that we were still meant to be a unified being?
The documentary arrived at the interview, and I had made up my mind. There was no going back. This was my first big decision as an individual and possibly my last. No changing my mind. I was proud of myself in an odd way. But I couldn't do it now, not when they were looking for me.
Somehow, I'll never truly understand how I did it, but I managed to sneak back into my room unnoticed on my shaky legs. It took some time but I was there waiting for the next person who came into my room around 8. I did my best to act surprised when they barged into my room with a panicked look on their face.
"Something... wrong?" I asked. The nurse was clearly better at acting surprised, but that's because she wasn't acting.
"Where did you go? We've been looking all over for you." She was trying so hard not to yell at me, to demand a million questions, and I was glad for the restraint because it would have been too hard to answer all of them.
"Mess... Hall. I... I... got... hungry. Is... that... not... not... allo- okay?" I was lucky that I had predicted the exact question she was going to ask me and prepare a response.
"No, of course it's okay. We just got scared that you had run off when you weren't in your room. You wouldn't have been the first." The nurse was good at lying, I'll give her that. Knowing myself, I probably would have been convinced by what she said had I not overheard her conversation in the hallway. But her lies also made my lies easier to tell, and much more believable.
"Can... I... sleep... n-now?"
"Of course, sorry to startle you. Goodnight." The nurse turned off the light and closed the door.
I waited as long as I could restrain myself before ripping off the covers,which only resulted in my feet becoming tangled in them. When I finally got myself free I stumbled over to the door. It was unlocked, thank goodness. My lie must have been good enough to avoid suspicion.
Hospitals were always a maze, and they were even more difficult to navigate when you had to take random turn after random turn to avoid being seen by the wrong people. I finally found my way to the NICU, which was being guarded by a man in an intimidating suit. I recognized him as one of the men that used to accompany me when I was a Vessel to the God. It was a good sign... no better than good, it was a clear sign.
There was a small window into the room which showed multiple incubators. I would be able to find them based on the eye color, but I'd have to find another way around the guard. He would recognize me immediately. My eyes caught a small side door tucked away beside a row of machines. I carefully moved around the room, staying out of the view of the guard.
I didn't see a door right way, but my search was made easier by the absence of a guard. This fact also made me think there wasn't another entrance here. I still looked around, determined to exhaust all my options before braving the guard.
There was a small alcove behind one of the reception's desks, which was unmanned at the moment. The soft sounds of a TV down the hallway masked any slight noises I made.
There was a door, hidden and tucked away in the alcove. I tried the handle, but it was locked.
As quickly as I could I made my way back to the desk. It was my best hope for a key. I pulled open drawer after drawer until I found a ring of keys. I didn't stop to think who had been stupid enough to leave a ring of keys in an unmanned desk and simply began trying them on the door.
It wasn't the first key I tried, it never was. But before I began losing hope a key turned the lock and the door opened.
The room was quiet besides the rhythmic sounds the machines made. A quick glance around the room confirmed that the room was empty. Everything was going smoothly, as though the God was helping me do this, their will.
I went to the first station and my heart dropped. There was an infant, sleeping and clearly born early. They had breathing tubes in their nose and monitors all over their body. I looked around the room and saw a sink. I knew time was limited, but I wasn't about to risk the lives of these children by not washing my hands.
The first child I approached was awake in their incubator. Their deep blue eyes looked at their small world, but was otherwise quiet. I left them and moved onto the next one. This one was asleep, and with the pad of my finger I pulled their lid up just enough to see the corner of a blue iris. They fussed a little but fell back asleep.
I checked two more babies before arriving at the fifth. This one I could already tell was different. I could feel a connection. My heart sank as I saw all of the attachments and wires coming from their body. I read the name on the clipboard, Jess.
My hand trembled as I carefully peeled back an eyelid, revealing the signature silvery gray eyes. Nothing had happened yet, and I sat down in the chair next to the child and stroked their arm, feeling their soft skin. They didn't move or react at all to my touch and it was rather scary.
As I stroked their arm, a familiar feeling settled into my chest, calling out towards this child, pulling me towards them.
My head whipped around as the door to the room opened, revealing a nurse and the guard. As soon as she saw me she recognized me, and the child I sitting next to. It was too late. I felt my consciousness fading as my hand slipped and fell into the grasp of the child holding the soul of the God.
Nobody knew what happened exactly when the ex-Vessel touched the God and their new Vessel. It had happened so long ago, but everyone knew it left the God weak. When pressed for a description the ex-Vessel gave none. The God, however, described it as though someone had taken a vacuum cleaner to their innards until there was nothing left. I wonder if the ex-Vessel felt the way I did now. Like I had found the perfect shade of gray that was equally black and equally white. A true state of neutral. I couldn't see anything, until a shimmering form stepped forward.
It took a while for it to come into focus but when it did a girl in a long dress stepped forward. Her hair was plaited into two long braids, and she was wearing a dress that was from long before the middle ages. She herself couldn't have been older than fourteen.
"God?"
"That is the name you know me by, but here you may hall me Marie, for here I am no
God."
"Why?"
"Because I am no longer a God... In truth I never have been." She folded her hands in front of her, her posture perfect.
"What... are you?" I asked. Surely this shimmering being that radiated light could be nothing other than a God. Even if she claimed she wasn't.
"A spirit, or perhaps a memory, or the ghost of a memory. I myself have never been able to figure out in all my years of existence. I have been stuck..." She sighed and looked away. I could see the pain on her face. "I never meant for it to go this far. I just wanted to live one more life. Experience the fullest life I could. But as soon as I entered this cycle, I couldn't break it. I tried so hard to stop. To stay dead, but I came back every time. Took over someone else's life. By the time I was discovered I had gone through so much that I realized it would be better to accept my fate, go along with the identity people wanted from me. God.
"It was only once an ex-Vessel touched a current vessel that I realized I could escape, that I could enter the same void as I did when I chose this path all those years ago."
"Why didn't you leave then? When the ex-Vessel touched you the first time?" I asked. Wondering why the cycle wasn't stopped then, so my life could have been spared. She smiled.
"This Vessel... this Vessel is empty. Which is not something that could be said about that ex-Vessel. With this child, I can make no contract and I can control nothing. This also means that I have nothing preventing me from leaving. I am not a whole and as such I cannot exist without a Vessel. Not just their physical form, but their soul as well.
I paused and considered her words, my brain working faster than it ever had. Thoughts raced through my head, questions I had, memories we shared, until my mind stopped on a single thought. It has always been about her, about the God. The one who is immortal. Why was it never about me? What about my life? The things I lost? The memories I never got to make? The relationships I never got to forge?
I let the anger, frustration and sadness permeate my body until I came to another realization. This person, who I have spent the past twenty years of my life with and controlled every experience I have ever had, with whom I'm sharing our first conversation. No longer has access to the one connection we had when we were together. She could no longer feel how I felt. It was no longer a way I could communicate with her.
However, I had also noticed that my ability to speak had vastly improved since being in this space. I only hoped that I would be able to properly articulate my thoughts.
"I- I just..." As everything I could say entered and left my mind I realized I didn't need to say anything fancy. "What about me? You're leaving but what have you left me? I don't have the promised gift. I don't have the first twenty years of my life. I don't have a future. Even if they don't throw me in jail I will forever be known as the girl who killed God."
She smiled.
"No. You've had faith in me so far, why stop? You'll receive your gift soon." She turned, and began walking away before stopping, and turning over her shoulder said:
"In the future, do what you just did. Take control of your own life."
Marie exited just as she entered and I was enveloped in the gray light of this place.
***
The nurse looked between the ex-Vessel and the baby. Both had their eyes closed and had the appearance of sleep. Though she knew so much was going on. Prior to the appearance of the ex-Vessel, the child had been stable, but hadn't once moved or opened her eyes. It had been causing the hospital a lot of stress because nothing seemed to be wrong health wise besides a lack of movement. Then, as soon as the nurse had found them together the entire hospital was whipped into a frenzy, rushing them to an empty room. Though both were still stable, the fear from all the doctors and nurses had been palpable. Now they knew what was wrong.
The guard who had been originally tasked with keeping a watch over the infant had been replaced by another, who sat between the two beds. Nobody had known if they should separate the ex-Vessel from the current Vessel and God, but the church had been contacted and would be arriving shortly. For the time being it would be safer to keep them together.
The heart monitor lines were steady, for both of them. Beating in sync for a few seconds, before the line on the ex-Vessel's screen went flat. Doctors rushed in, but nothing could be done. She was gone.
In the commotion, the infant in the bed next to the dead ex-Vessel stirred for the first time and opened two beautiful earth brown eyes that looked around at her new world.
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