I feel as if everything around me crumbles to dust. I am not okay. I'm way too far from being okay. But if someone asks, I'm fine.
I cannot utter nor describe to you, or anyone else for that matter, the unfathomable pain of loneliness. The itch that hungers for companionship but takes my blood instead. If only I could be released from its sharp as razor nails. If only I could open up my eyes and witness the beauty of true and forgiving love that only a friend could possibly offer.
You know Nicholas, Mr Dickhead yelled at me the other day. Because I lied about you. I didn't want to show him this. It doesn't concern him. This is just between the two of us. He also told me that I made no progress. At all. Instead, he told me I went at least a couple of steps backwards. I even joked that going backwards is a kind of progress, but he didn't laugh. He told me that I have to chug down bigger doses of the same five pills and go home only when I want to eat or sleep. I want to sleep forever. He said that if I don't want to get better, then no medication in this world will make me. And I said I have no real purpose. No reason to get better. He replied with this: "When one door closes, a bunch of others open in front of you". I didn't really understand what he was saying at that moment and our time was up and I had to go.
I tried to follow his instructions, so I went to a bar to drink something cheap and consider his last words to me. To be honest, I couldn't get it, up until now. I think I do. I think he was trying to say that... if I ever stop being sad, people would start liking me more. Because people don't like sadness and try to avoid it. And I began wondering about it. What if I become less sad and find a lot of friends and meet people who like me and I like them back? What if I even get a flatmate who would stand to be in the same room with me or even a girl to be with? And I kept dreaming about it for a while. What happiness would really feel like... Everything fell apart when my mind decided to ask me a single question. 'What if this doesn't happen?' Needless to say, I felt like drowning. The demons surrounded me once again. I almost lost it. But then it was when I saw your figure in the broken mirror in my bathroom. And I thought I should tell all those things to you. What should I do Nicholas? Why is this so difficult?
I wish I could tell you 'I feel no pain'. I wish I could promise you that this won't happen ever again. I wish... I wish I could stand on my own two feet and leave this place with my head up high. But it's a dark place, Nicholas. I can't find my way out. And it's constantly raining. A non-stop storm, with thunders, but no lightning. And I have no umbrella. My candle has burnt down. I just stay here, drenched and blind. Can you come over and save me?
Okay, okay... I think I've calmed down a bit. My hands are still shaking. We'll get through this, right? Let's talk about something else. Let's see... A new film came out today. Comedy. Classic, nothing new, very predictable. Not even a plot twist to interest me. I left the screening room during intermission and never got back, not before it was over, at least. Because I have a cleaning duty now. Yes, I haven't told you yet, but Mrs Props had to send away some of the staff and now I get to clean the place as well. It's not much, I mean I just grab the popcorn from the floor or anything else those pigs have left behind. It only gets bad when someone vomits or spills their drink on the floor. I hate to clean that, but if it gets me a bit of a raise then I'll do it. I want to have some money on the side. I have something to be prepared for... No, I won't tell you. Why? It's a secret. I don't even know the details yet, but I'll get there in a month I guess.
So, tell me, Nicholas, have you ever been in love? I think you have. I think that right now, you have a beautiful person waiting for your next date. I haven't. Though I've been in a 'relationship' once. It was that girl from high school, I'll call her 'Whore'. Why? Isn't that obvious? I should have known from the day she told me 'Yeah, why not, let's go on a date'. But I didn't. I thought she liked me. But the moment I told her it's too early for us when she asked me to have sex with her, she left me for that senior guy who would. And that was our second date. And I realised how the rumours about her were, in fact, true and I should've known.
I'm always the idiot who believes that people can change.
Now that I think about it, I may be in love. Or at least, it could be just a crush. It's that girl from our building, I'll call her 'Dusk'. Because she is always pretty to look at. Though her eyes are always dark and filled with gloom. She always smiles when we meet, however, I'm certain that the moment she looks away she'll start crying. I don't know why. I just wish I could talk to her and ask her what's going on. She'd probably answer 'Everything's alright' but that would be a lie and I wouldn't want to push her to tell me. I hope it's nothing serious.
Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas. What a fun name to say out loud. Have you ever wondered why I decided to call you Nicholas? Well, I'll answer and you'll see how simple my mind is. It is a sophisticated name and it fills a whole sentence. Nicholas. Just like that. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it's also because it reminds me of Nicholas Flamel, the French guy. He was a writer but rumoured to be an alchemist who discovered the philosopher's stone, the one that gives you immortality. And I think you are immortal, Nicholas. Because you're always there when someone seeks solace. You listen and you understand. You may not talk back, but you do help and I appreciate that.
Sometimes I wish I could create something out of nothing. I really envy people who can. To be able to express their feelings and thoughts in a certain way, to make beautiful things. Amazing things. And I realise just how small I am. And I know I'll never be like them. Because I know I won't be around for long. You know it, too, Nicholas. You've seen through my lies. You understand my plan. You will forgive me, right?