The hardest part about knowing my own poisonous capabilities involved the people who are supposed to care but don’t. They refused to acknowledge the existence of anything out of the social normality.

Avery knew all about it.

She ingrained in me the idea, nothing we do will never ever be enough not because we’re not worth it but because they’re not. She wanted me to believe, the person I am has no need for validations. Unfortunately, Avery came into my life a little too late. Her words helped very little especially since she was a hypocrite.

I counted the spots on the ceiling, unable to get up this morning—not that I slept.

Being at the Maison was supposed to be comforting but the memories of everyone, youthful regrets, and dreams not of him kept me up until an hour ago. I woke up to the sounds of birds and the fall season’s wind.

Nothing ever goes right for me.

I grabbed a cardigan from the coat rack and slipped on a pair of navy sneakers. I’m not sure I wanted to see the world today.

“Is it alright if I stay in my room today?

Mother Ani dropped whatever it was that preoccupied her to give me her full attention. I flinched at the unfamiliarity of the situation. No one has ever done that for me before.

“What—” She stopped as she caught me frown, “be sure to come down for the meals.”

Most people would inquire, wouldn’t they?

“Yes, Mother Ani.”

She patted me on the head and an urge to cry in her arms overwhelmed me. I bit my lip to keep me from doing so. I held back a sniff and brushed my hair back when she let go. Keep calm, I told myself.

“We’ll cancel today’s confession with Father Peter. Get some rest, dear.”

I really wanted to cry.

Most people would wonder. They’d pry. They’d even try to instill their own methods of getting rid of negative energy. Those people can only comprehend up to the point they can relate. They forget sometimes, the best thing is to fuck off shut up.

It’s why I loved running to Avery with my problems.

“Here,” Avery handed me a hair tie, “for when you get the itch.”

I knew that trick already but Avery noticed my urge to cut increased from once in a blue moon to every few days even though I said nothing to anyone about it. She just observed and figured it out.

I didn’t have to say anything to be heard. I missed having someone like that in my life.

I wanted a lot of things as a child, things I couldn’t have for being a girl, pretty, stupid, or because I was me. Avery said, with her, I could have anything.

With her, I wanted nothing.

Having her quench the thirst of the child in me was enough. Still, there were things I wanted as I grew older and even those, Avery could do nothing about.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.

“Breakfast,” a voice called in.

“Thank you,” I returned.

Everyone busied themselves with falling in love in high school. Sure, for a fraction of my high school career, I did too.

I descended the stairs slowly and reluctantly entered the dining room. I spotted Mother Ani smile sympathetically at me. Ren pulled a vacant seat and gestured for me. I followed without much thought.

“Tea,” the girl, Abby, poured me a cup of tea, “for sleepless nights.”

Ren patted me on the back, “Danny saw you walking about last night. Just be sure not to get caught.”

I forgot about having a curfew.

“They won’t get mad though,” he added a second later.

I smiled softly and took a sip of the tea—sweet and calming.

When I used to drink coffee, a certain craving in my heart always felt quelled. Even though caffeine does nothing for me, I pretended to be more energized. I battled boredom with cups of coffee. I fed my writing with them too. I convinced myself, without coffee, I’d start thirsting again.

And I did.

I thirsted for alcohol.

Someone as toxic as me couldn’t ever become intoxicated. It’ll be fine but wine turned to depressant beers to heart-numbing hard liquor.

“You’ll drown,” Avery told me the year before she left.

We were the same, right?

Tea. Stick to tea.

I snapped the hair tie around my wrist, surprising the guy beside me. To resist the urge, I snapped it again, over and over. Ren simply watched. And I keep repeating, lost in the snapping sound.

“Maybe I’ll have coffee, you?”

I turned to Avery while she tried to focus on school work.

“You buying?” I asked her.

“Why not,” she grinned.

Better than feeding my addiction was someone else giving me the green light to do so.

“But you’ll drown.”

When I came back with two black coffees, Avery was all packed up. She had a bag of m&ms on the table and a sad expression.

“I’m sorry sweetie.” Her face said everything though she couldn’t look me in the eyes as she continued to say, “I’m leaving too.”

The world stopped moving. My heart ceased to beat. My body grew cold. Was I breathing? Someone give me something to ease this pain.

“I really hated what Marc did. I’ll be back—”

I drew myself away from the images of my past.

“Thanks for the tea,” I smiled at Abby.

Why is love so important?

a/n regular update next week!