JOURNALING

Aug 21

Yesterday, I was talking to Marilyn about how much I miss my Edwin and how slowly time seems to be passing as we hide here and he's somewhere far away. She suggested something to help me pass the time when I'm stuck inside. Something people who were apart from their family used to do a lot, she said. So, tonight I start a journal. She said people used to call this a “diary” but that word seemed to have become out-of-fashion even though people kept on doing the exact same thing. She also suggested that I should write it the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper. It takes more time and more thought because I can’t just edit out anything. Whatever I write is there on the pages for good. And I’m noticing I like the sounds of the paper and of my pen scritching on it as it makes my thoughts into something real.

I miss Edwin terribly. I know that's partly because for most of my life we've always been together and because he taught me so much of what I know now. Some of the most important things I've ever learned. But I feel inside me that there's more than just that. I believe, and I think I sense it, that he feels something very strong, too, but somehow when it shows, it seems turned down. Muted. Almost like it’s hiding. I want to understand this. Maybe Sandra could explain it but I've been too shy to bring it up yet. What if I'm only imagining it?

Sandra talks to me about humans and how oddly they can behave. She says I need to understand this, because most humans don't get a chance to learn how to understand catgirls, so we have to "take up some of the slack" she said. She also said it wasn't "fair" but "that's life." I understand, I think. We catgirls have sensitivities humans don't, so sometimes we must help them more than they can help us. Would she understand me about Edwin? Should I tell her how I feel?

I have dreams about Edwin. Some of them are nice but sometimes they aren't. There's one that bothers me because it keeps coming back. In it, somehow Edwin has gotten lost, or maybe it's me that got lost, but in the dream I'm searching for him. Sometimes, I look in very strange places for him: under a floor or inside a wall. Always behind barriers that I have to tear down. I call for him but there's never an answer. And I never find him before I wake up. On chilly nights, we catgirls and David and Mirriam all like to sleep in a pile around the woodstove. And once, I'm sure I woke myself up calling him out loud. The others must have woken up, too, but no one has ever said anything.

I want to talk to Sandra about my dream but I haven't done it yet. She's so confident and in control all the time. I feel shy about letting her see how mixed-up I am. Why do I always feel anxiety about speaking up for what I want? Will I ever outgrow that?

Sharona is beginning to come out of her shell more. Walter had a long talk with her. He decided he’d made some bad decisions about her and he wanted her to forgive him for not making better ones. I think she did. They’re spending more time on walks and talking a lot more now than they did before, after we got here. I’m happy for her but seeing them like that makes me miss Edwin even more.

Walter says he is planning something special for me but it's a surprise and I must wait to see what it is. But he said to get lots of sleep tomorrow night because I may need it the next night. I can't imagine what he's up to. Marilyn seems to know something but she won't give me any hints. I will write about it, surely.

Tomorrow, I will try to draw a picture in here of my cairn and then I’ll explain all about it and why. Maybe Nora can help me or maybe she can draw it for me. She's very good at making drawings. I should ask her to teach me. It would help pass the time and I'd like very much to be able to do it.

The others are going to bed now, so I will turn out my light now and do the same. Good night, my Edwin, wherever you are.

Next: Part 14 / 25, “Moonlight”