Elizabeth’s eyes widened. Elizabeth’s fingers were kissing the trigger. Elizabeth screamed in horror. Half of Charlie’s blown-off head was splattered all over the living room ceiling like a Jackson Pollock painting. “Oh my God! Oh my God!”

“Fuck yeah. Let’s go, Elizabeth,” Archie cheered, until he realized they were on top of his carpet. “Fuckin’ shit!” Archie’s favorite carpet was now home to a puddle of red. He ran back into the kitchen and grabbed some paper towels. He dabbed his carpet with them and his eyes began to almost tear.

“Did you really have to fight and kill the bastard on my carpet? Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who is willing to be on PETA’s hit list just so I can have the finer things in life?”

“I-I didn’t mean—” Elizabeth stammered as her brain tried to process what just happened.

Archie sighed. “Relax.” He placed his hand on Elizabeth’s shoulder and tried to console her. “It’s alright, Elizabeth. Everything’s cool. I scanned him and guess what? He’s an alien.” 

A cold blank stare.

Archie showed her his scanner. “See? It’s a positive match for Laxatite DNA. In other words, Charlie is—was—an alien. A Laxatite, to be exact... Motherfucking shapeshifters. They’re really hot on my tail. I wonder how they got here before me?”

“I just killed a human being, Archie!”

“No, Elizabeth. He’s an alien,” Archie insisted. “I can prove it. Just relax. Know that your conscience is clear and that you did not commit murder… Well technically, yes, but at least he’s not human.”

Elizabeth stared at Charlie’s dead, near-headless body.

“Well, for starters, he’s bisexual. Laxatites are shape-shifters, so gender is irrelevant to them. They’ll fuck anyone or anything. Then, the gasoline. I thought it was weird at first, but remember what I told you earlier? Laxatites loved to drink fossil fuels for fun. Y’know, like, gasoline? My guess is, that the two of them got drunk and had a hell of a time, but you know that already,” Archie chuckled. Elizabeth looked at him with another blank stare. “And finally, the damning evidence you’ve all been waiting for… Drum roll please! Du-du-du-du-du… His blood!”

“His blood?”

“Yep. It’s green.”

Elizabeth looked at the red puddle that squirted out of Charlie’s neck.

“Are you blind?”

Archie took a second look at the mess and shrugged. “Laxatites shape shift at a molecular level, so they can change the properties of their blood. It should turn green any second now.”

They stared at the pool of blood for a good five seconds.

“Any second now,” Archie assured her. Another five seconds. “Any second…”

Elizabeth didn’t bother to look. Instead, she looked at Archie with the blankest of blank faces. Archie’s smile faded after staring at the red pool of blood for two minutes. Their eyes locked.

“Oh shit…” Archie groaned.