Trigger Warning - Depression is implicated.

Primrose - Inconsistency

Jeremy

We had a free period before recess. Our Math teacher was absent and I couldn't be happier. I think I hated every single class. I think I hate school too and all the people here. Today was just one of those days. It was so hard to get out of bed this morning and it's been really hard thus far. I'm trying so hard to be better, but when I'm hit with days like these, I can't help but want to give up. My medication just numbs me. I don't want to be numb. I just want to feel.

I chose to go to the back of the school and sit on one of the benches there. I rested my head with a sigh. I don't want to be around anyone, yet Donovan is resting his head looking right at me. I've grown so attached to him. In August, I didn't know who he was and now in October, he's all I think about. I can't take it. I don't like changes, but he's the one change in my life, that I can't get enough of.

"Are you okay?" He asked. He looked like he cared.

I knew he cared... What's wrong with me?

"No." I don't think that I was ready to tell him anything else.

"Okay." He gave me a smile. I felt reassured. He didn't question me, he didn't press, he just accepted my answer and stayed in my presence. I'm not a good person. I'm mean and I'm just so angry. How do I have someone like Donovan in my life? I don't deserve him.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. When I'm like this, time doesn't exist.

"Jeremy... I don't know how you're feeling, but maybe we should talk. Not about your feelings, but just talk about anything. Maybe it can momentarily distract you."

I sighed. He was trying to help. I appreciated it. However, just talking never helped.

He sat up and moved his legs so that the bench seat was between his legs and he was now facing me.

"Knock Knock?"

"Who's there?"

"Broken Pencil." He was now grinning.

"Broken Pencil who?"

"Never mind, it's pointless." He started laughing and I just watched him with amusement. His laugh might have made me smile.

"That was corny."

"You smiled. I made you smile."

"Just a little bit."

He grinned again. "That's all I need."

I instantly started to feel shy. I've never been a shy person, yet I can feel my face burning up. When I'm having a bad day, I don't talk to anyone, not even Rory and Donovan has me talking and smiling. How long will this last?

How long can I hold on to this little string of happiness before it breaks and I fall into the abyss of my self-hatred and self-pity?

"I... Thanks. You've helped me."

"You've helped me too. You've helped me so much and I'm sad that you're feeling down today. I hope you start to feel better soon."

"Thanks and I feel the same way about you."

This time Donovan looked taken aback. He glanced at everywhere, but me. He ran his hand through his hair, only for it to get stuck in his crown. It felt to the ground and he quickly picked it up. I then noticed that his yellow nails matched the flowers in his hair. I instantly had flashbacks of Jean and I felt breathless.

"Why do you wear nail polish?"

"I like it."

"Why?"

"I like the idea of decorating my nails. It's an art form I enjoy."

I nodded. "I see. I like it."

"I can paint your nails if you want."

"I'll remember to make an appointment."

"Oh... I was joking. You'd really let me?"

"Yeah."

His eyes lit up by my admission. "Okay, that's great. So whenever you're ready then. I have a lot of colors that you can choose from. I can't make designs, but I can try for you."

"I'll let you know."

"Did I make you feel a tiny bit better?"

He put his thumb and index finger together leaving a little space in between.

"Yes, thank you."

"Great."

He moved closer to me. "Can I hug you?"

"Yes."

He stood up and hugged me from behind. He was so warm. I closed my eyes and sighed. Is this what falling feels like?

"I put all my happiness and love into this hug. So hopefully you feel my positive energy." He nuzzled my neck then pulled away. I don't even want to know how red my face is. I could feel my ears burning up. I wasn't sure if I was blushing because of embarrassment or something else.

"I appreciate it."

I coughed and sat up.

"Did you bring lunch today? I brought you something. I felt nervous about bringing it because I made this myself. I like cooking and I was making my lunch and I thought of you..." he trailed off while looking in his bag.

"Keep going, Donovan."

"If it tastes bad, keep eating it. Okay? I can't take criticism," he admitted with a frown.

"I doubt it's going to taste bad. Don't doubt your abilities."

He took out two rectangular-shaped bowls. The green was handed to me and the yellow was set in front of him.

"Thank you."

We opened the bowls. I was instantly met with the intense smell of spices.

"So the thing that looks like Spaghetti is called Bami. Yours has chicken and veggies in it. The green thing that looks like cucumber is a cucumber, but it's a pickled cucumber. It's not a pickle. It's a cucumber."

"So it's not a pickle."

He nodded as he completely missed my sarcasm. I couldn't help but smile at him. I can hear how passionate he is.

"You know, you didn't have to cook meat for me. I have no problem eating a vegetarian meal."

"I don't want to force my beliefs on you."

"You're not. I respect you."

"Next time I will!" The excitement in his face made me happy.

I finally took in the food that was before me. The spaghetti looked brown and I could see the difference spices in it. I also noticed the pieces of chicken in the mix. Then I peered at the "not a pickle, but a cucumber", it had a dark green colour. The meal looked very interesting. Something I've never eaten before.

Too bad, I just didn't feel like I could eat it right now. On days like these, I'd skip school and lay in bed all day. I wouldn't have the motivation to even get up for a meal. Yet, I'm at school, talking to Donovan. One bite wouldn't hurt me.

"Thanks for the meal again." I twisted my fork into the Bami and took a bite. It was tasty and a little spicy. The cucumber was sweet and spicy.

"Don, you made this? All by yourself?"

"Yes."

"Don't tell my mother, but this is the best meal I've ever eaten."

"Really? Thanks. I tried my best and I'm so happy that you like it."

The look on his face warmed my heart. I took two more bites of the food and that was it. I couldn't go on. When I stopped eating Donovan stopped as well. He looked worried. "Is something wrong?"

"I love it. Don't worry. I'm not feeling well. I'll eat it later when I get home."

I closed the bowl and put it in my bag. Donovan closed his bowl too and started to put it in his bag.

"Are you done?"

"No... I don't want to eat in your face if you're not feeling well."

"Donovan," I groaned. "You can eat."

"It's fine."

"It's not. I have no problem with you eating. Eat."

He reluctantly took his food back out and started eating it.

"Good."

He sent me a soft smile. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't know it was possible for a person to be so sweet. You amaze me."

"It's called manners. I'm not sweet." He shrugged his shoulder and hid his face behind the lid of his bowl.

"If you're not sweet, what am I? Sour?"

"You're very kind Jeremy. Anyways, Christmas is soon. Are you excited?"

"We're not even close to November yet and I am not excited. Sorry."

"Really? Why?"

"It's just not enjoyable for me."

"Why is that?"

"I don't know. I can't explain my feelings."

This is the first Christmas without Jean. I don't know how my parents are going to hold up. I don't know how I'm going to hold up.

"Okay, I understand... I like Christmas. It's just really fun for me. I'm an only child so it gets lonely sometimes. Maybe we can do something nice?"

"Something nice?"

"Maybe a gift exchange. Or I can just get you a gift. You don't need to spend money on me."

"We can do a gift exchange. On Christmas itself?"

"Okay. Are we going to meet up somewhere? Wanna come to my house? Do I come to yours?"

"Um... Can we do both?"

"It's up to you."

"Let's do both then."

"Great. I'm going to get the best present ever."

"I know you will."

                                                            🍲

When recess did start, I started closing up again. There were people all around and I didn't want to deal with them. I closed my eyes and put my head against the table.

The sound of students talking, laughing and even breathing triggered me. I wanted silence. Donovan must have noticed my expression because he looked extremely worried.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not. I think I need to go home. I can't be here."

He was up before I was, he put on his bag and held mine. He linked our arms together.

"I'll walk you to the office."

"I'll just call my parents. The office already knows about me."

I sent both my parents a text and told them I needed to be picked up. My father was the first to reply. He told me that he'd here in 5 minutes. Donovan and I walked to the front of the school.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, but it's been a rough day. You made it tolerable. Thank you."

"I'm sorry that I don't understand how you feel. I just hope you feel better, I do have to say it's going to be lonely." My father pulled up. I tried to take my bag from Donovan but he held it.

"Your sick, I'll escort you."

I sighed. Of course.

We walked over to the car. Donovan opened the car door for me and set my bag on my lap.

"Good Morning, sir," he said. "I'm Donovan. Please take care of Jeremy."

My dad looked between Donovan and I. He raised an eyebrow at me. "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Tristan. I will take good care of him."

"Bye Jeremy."

"Bye," I breathed out.

Donovan walked back into the school and I put my window up.

"Who's he?"

"I'll tell you later. I'm having a really bad day Dad. I feel so sad and it's not even about Jean. I just feel so overwhelmed. I've been holding it in all day, but I can't do it anymore." The tears flowed as I spoke. "I just want to be okay."

"Why didn't you call earlier Jeremy?"

My dad held me in his arms. His hugs and mum's hug always make things a little better.

"I was trying to be okay. I was trying so hard. I didn't want to lay in bed all day. I got up and I forced myself to stay in school for as long as I could, but I couldn't keep it up. I'm so disappointed in myself."

"Hey, calm down."

He smoothed my hair back and rubbed my back. "It's okay. I'll take the rest of the day off and we can spend the day together."

"Okay."

"Wanna talk to your mother? Or do you want me to do it?"

"I'll talk to her." I wiped some of my tears. My dad handed me the phone that was already ringing.

"Hey, baby. How are you?"

"Not so good."

"Is it one of those days?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'm coming home."

"Dad said he's taking the rest of the day off. You don't have to."

"I want to. I rather spend time with you. I'll be home soon. Bye baby, love you."

"I love you too."

I feel like I'm always inconveniencing them with my problems. They're so caring and I know they love me. The love I feel when I'm around them trumps all my negative feelings, yet those feelings never want to go away. I set my head against the window and closed my eyes, the vibrations of the car calmed me down. The ride to my house wasn't a long one.

As soon as I got home I kicked off my shoes and slipped into bed. A few moments later my father came back with snacks. He also joined me in bed. "We're going to watch Rick and Morty."

He turned on the tv and opened the Netflix app. Rick and Morty popped up. "Do you have a favorite episode?"

"I like "The Ricklantist Mixup".

"Okay. Let's start."

"No you're not," my mother said walking into the room. She dropped her blazer onto my dresser. She came over to the other side of my bed and jumped in.

"Now you can start, honey."

She gave me a wet kiss and hugged me. "We'll get there eventually." She opened a bag of chips and started munching.

The episode started and it did distract for a moment before my mind drifted. My parents left their jobs to spend the day with me. They could be here on leave without pay. I felt so selfish.

"Your mind is far. Don't overthink," Mum said.

"I can't help it. I feel like I'm an inconvenience."

"Never."

"Amelia, Jeremy has a new friend. He walked him to the car and everything. They were giving each other heart eyes."

"What," my mother gasped. She was dramatic and she loved to gossip.

"Yeah, his friend, that he never told us about, introduced himself. His name's Donovan. He's very short. He has brown skin with curls, I think and guess what? He was wearing a flower crown."

"In school? With all those kids around? That's brave of him."

"He's super cute and he seemed to really care about our boy." He grinned at me. "He said 'Good Morning sir, please take care of Jeremy,"

"Oh really? That's so sweet," Mum chimes in.

"Are you done Dad?"

He burst out laughing. "Your lack of melanin really gives away your emotions. Your face is so red. Now are you embarrassed or are you blushing?" I slid below the covers and hid my face. This was embarrassing. My parents aren't judgmental at all, but they're my parents and they're so weird.

"Jeremy, spill. Who is he?"

"He's just my friend. That's all. Stop being weird," I said with my voice muffled by my blanket.

"He's a new friend. We've never met him. Where did he come from?" My mother seemed to be enjoying herself.

"He's new. He's super nice. He makes me seem like a heathen. He likes flowers and he wears crowns every day. I think it's commendable. He tells me about the flowers and their meanings, it's his hobby. I can see the passion in his eyes when he talks about them."

By the time I was finish talking, I was sitting up and my parents were gaping.

"You're smiling Jeremy. You look so happy when you talk about him. Why is that?" Dad asked.

"I like him. He seems so genuine. Everything about him is so perfect. It's sucks that I only got to meet him in my last year of high school."

"Make the most of what you have now," Mum said and ruffled my hair. "Oh crap, it was Morty all along," she noted as she directed her attention to the tv. I made myself comfortable and I cuddled up between the two of them.

I love my parents so much and I'm so thankful that they love me too.