Sitting across from Skylar at a good restaurant for lunch reminds me of the time I first fell in love with this girl.
It was a regular old lunch at school. Usually, I sat with some friends from the track team but Archer invited me over to sit with him and his friends. Later I would find out it was because he had a crush on me, but at the time I didn't think much of it and just thought he was being friendly.
So there I sat.
Wini was across from me, Demarcus next to her. Archer sat right next to me. The four of us sat there for a moment before Jade came running over, literally dragging Skylar by her arm. I remember how funny it looked as Jade marched forward and Skylar let her shoes slide on the ground.
"Jade!" she had complained.
"Nope we are settling this right now!" she decreed.
Then she sat at the table and made Skylar sit right next to her. Skylar looked right at me and I couldn't help but smile at her. She got so red and I could tell she was freaking out and didn't know what to say. Even though we were both on the track team she always kept to herself.
"Okay everyone, help me out here. Skylar here thinks you guys aren't really her friends, that she just sits here." Jade said.
"Jade!" Skylar complained.
"What! Of course we are your friends," Demarcus said slightly offended.
"See!" Jade said.
"Skylar you are one of us," Wini assured her.
"I second that, what would we be without you? We need a little Skylar in our lives." Archer declared.
"That's what I said!" Jade turned to Skylar.
"Ugh!" Skylar rested her head on the table and put her arms over her head to hide.
"I'll be your friend." I volunteered.
"Look at that, that's five whole friends including me," Jade said.
"Stop embarrassing me," she complained.
I giggled at the sight.
Skylar peeked through her arms to look at me, I waved at her.
She sighed and sat right looking at me. Those blue eyes staring at me. She opened her mouth like she was about to say something, but closed it again. She opened it again but then Jade started talking and Skylar sighed, resigning herself to silence. I giggled.
She noticed me watching her and smiled sheepishly.
And just like that, I was in love.
I kept thinking about how cute she was and how funny she was for the rest of the day, and the next and the day after that. Before I knew it I moved tables permanently and was sitting across from Skylar every day at lunch.
I loved watching her have mini battles with herself wondering if she was going to say something to contribute to whatever conversation we were having. When she would butt in she would look so proud of herself. Gosh, she is so freaking adorable. Of course, I couldn't just tell her I liked her for two reasons, one she didn't know I was gay, two I didn't know if she was gay. I didn't want to take the chance and forever have things be awkward around us. So I waited until I knew for sure.
Now here I am sitting across from her watching her have that inner battle like always, wondering if she should say something first or let me. She is so cute. I love her.
"There isn't much to talk about." I start the conversation.
"Uh, yeah, there is! You kissed me! you can't just kiss me whenever. I'm with Jade now."
"Well technically right now at this very moment you are with me." I point out.
"Ugh! Darleen listen to me, I know that might have been okay in the past, but you shouldn't do that to me anymore. I don't like it. Don't just force yourself on to me." she huffed.
"I felt you kiss back." I pointed out.
"Ugh, why did I think this was going to work?" She facepalmed and ran her hands down her face.
I giggled at her.
"Stop it! You can't be in love with me anymore. I've moved on. You should too."
"I can't, because I love you," I said simply.
She sighed.
"Why are doing this to me now? You had all summer to come back to me, all summer to state your case and win back my heart. Why now? After Jade and I are already in a steady relationship and are basically madly in love with each other."
Why now...
That's wasn't a question I had been expecting or was even prepared to answer. Why now?
I looked down at my menu to buy myself some time. She did the same. The waiter came by and took our order and I was about to start the conversation again when her phone rang.
"It's Jade!" she said in a panic.
I rolled my eyes as she debated on answering it or not. She ignored the call.
"Oh my gosh, she is going to kill me!" she squealed in panic.
I opened my mouth to say something and the phone began ringing again.
"Ahh, what do I do?" she panicked.
I snatched the phone from her and answered it.
"No!" she hissed.
"Skylar?" Jade asked.
"Not exactly," I said.
"What the hell!? What are you doing with Skylar's phone, where's Skylar!" she demanded.
I smirked in satisfaction. So long as Jade was jealous it gave me hope that I still had a chance. She wouldn't be jealous if she didn't think Skylar still had feelings for me.
"Skylar is sitting right here, with me."
"Stop it! Give me the phone!" Skylar reached for it.
I turned away so she couldn't get it.
"Where the hell are you!? Why can't you just leave us alone!"
"This was Skylar's idea," I said.
Skylar groaned and slammed her head into the table.
"What?" Jade's voice wobbled and I could hear her on the verge of tears.
"She invited me, not the other way around."
Skylar got up and snagged the phone out of my hand.
"Jade I can explain." Skylar said.
But I guess Jade hang up on her because Skylar whimpered and plopped back into her chair.
"Why did you do that!?" She looked at me with a hurt expression on her face.
"What? It's the truth, you said you would tell her."
"Not like that! Darleen!"
"So what, she'll get over herself." I huffed.
"This is the side of you I hate! All you think about is yourself! You don't think about how your actions hurt the people around you." she spat at me.
Unwillingly my mind brought me back to Aphrodite's words, and how she said almost the exact same thing. A sharp pain radiated through my body and I looked away in shame.
"Sorry," I muttered.
"Sorry doesn't fix it! ugh! Just listen to what I have to say. I like you, I do. You are a great person. There are so many things I love about you. You are my friend and always will be, but that is it. Being with you is something I will never forget. You taught me so many things and helped me grow as a person. I loved every second of it, even the bad times, but things happen for a reason. You broke up with me because I put Jade before you, and I didn't want to see it at the time but you were right."
I cringed internally knowing the real reason as to why I broke up with her had less to do with Jade and more to do with my own mistakes. She didn't seem to notice my face expression change and went on.
"I am always going to pick her over you because I love her. I love everything about her, and when you hurt her, you hurt me too. She is changing, she is growing too. I know she is. Sure it may not be an instant change but she is trying for me. That's more than you ever did. I felt like when we were together that I was always trying to measure up to these high standards you set, be worthy of you and your status. I wasn't really myself. Sure we had our moments but more times than not I felt like I didn't fit into your life. And instead of changing that for me, instead of making feel more welcomed you just kept on as if it was nothing, you didn't even notice when I was uncomfortable or insecure. You saw what you wanted to see and maybe I did too. We both saw the best in each other because that's what two people do when they want something so badly to work. The truth is even if we did get back together we would just find ourselves back there. I would still pick Jade over you, I would still disappoint you in the end because I am not the girl you think I am. I'm a coward who can't stand up for herself. The girl who would rather let you force yourself on her than hurt your feelings. I love you Darleen, but only as a friend. What we had was good, but it's over now. I wouldn't give up what I have with Jade for anything. I don't want you to hate me for that, I still want us to be friends. That's why I came here, so we could work out what's best for you. If you want me to stay away I will. I don't want to keep hurting you." she finished.
I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear hit my lap. I quickly wiped my face as the waiter came back with our drinks and appetizers.
"I love you..." I said more to myself than to her.
"Why now? What changed from when you broke up with me to now?"
"I didn't break up with you for the reasons that you think... maybe I'm just a coward too." I picked at the food.
"Why did you break up with me then?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you it's... something awful."
"Awful how?"
I took a deep breath and met her eyes.
"When we were together I cheated on you." I force the words out.
She almost looks shocked, like the thought never even crossed her mind. That's because she is too kind and naïve for her own good.
"What?" she said confused as if she misheard me.
"Aphrodite... you were right about me and her. There was a connection, because she wasn't just my best friend. She's my ex." I said.
Her face contorts into pain and confusion, she doesn't know what to say so I go on.
"Our relationship was very brief, only lasted one summer while I was 13. She was my first kiss and my first girlfriend. She moved away and basically forced me to break up with her by default. I didn't think I'd ever see her again. But then I did and I was just so overwhelmed with all these emotions and you got mad at me and then I got mad at you. I don't know it was all so messed up, she came over and one thing led to another. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'd rather lose you forever than hurt you like that, or so I thought..."
"So that's it then... the ultimate selfishness. You are so selfish that you would rather hurt me like this than just let me be ignorant and happy? Be with someone who wants to be with me. Why would you do this to me?" she says confused.
"I am selfish okay! I need you back in my life. I want you so bad it hurts. Every day over the summer I thought about telling you, I felt so sick to my stomach. I went into this deep dark depression. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself for letting it happen. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry Skylar." I sob.
"Sorry can't fix this, sorry doesn't fix anything..."
Just then the waiter brought our food.
"I don't know what you want me to do or say. I'll do or say anything. Please."
She took a deep breath and wiped the tears that silently slipped down her cheeks.
"I forgive you," she said.
I eye her in confusion.
"It's over, no use in crying over spilled milk. It happened and there is nothing I can do about it now. I'm with Jade now."
"But—"
"Thank you for telling me, even though it felt like you slapped me in the face. I'm glad you told me. You don't have to feel guilty anymore. You can move on now."
I really don't believe this. How the hell does she do it? How does she just forgive people just like that? I thought it was just a Jade thing, but it's not, it's a Skylar thing. I can't even begin to process this. She forgives me?
How is it possible for me not to be in love with her?
She makes it impossible.
She is a god sent.
The perfect person.
I love her.
I'll always love her.
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