Here is the thing about Love. It's easy to fall into it, but it is so f-ing hard to fall out of it. Especially when you are actively trying not to love someone. Before I knew it I was back in my deep dark depression. I couldn't even find the energy to get up and go to school. I just laid there all day and thought about what I had done.
Perhaps I am a bad person.
A selfish, mean, cheater. Someone who doesn't even deserve to be loved.
Maybe I'm worse than Jade. Maybe she's a better kisser than me or a better cuddlier. Maybe she listens better and knows Skylar better. Maybe she makes love better. Maybe... Maybe all along Jade has always been better than me. Maybe my ego prevents me from seeing that.
That's it then.
Jade wins,
And I lose.
Why do I feel like I always lose? I feel like I've always been the runner up and never realized it until now. I never get the prize, I never win. I just almost win, I almost get what I want, I almost get the prize. I get a taste of it, of that victory, of that winning life only to have it ripped away from me time and time again.
I'm just a loser.
No one cares about second place.
I hate it here.
What I would give to just start all over somewhere. A place where no one knew who I was or what I've done. Where second place is still a crowning achievement and girl's named Skylar Clifton don't break your heart over and over again. Where is that place? I'd give everything I have just to live there. That sounds like paradise to me.
On day three of me skipping out on school Wini comes by the house, I was in the game room binge-watching shows on Netflix when the doorbell rang. With a sigh, I got up and dragged myself downstairs. I was expecting my aunt but when I opened the door Wini was standing with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. I sighed and let her in.
"Before you say you told you so, I would just like to point out she did kiss me back." I start.
"Darleen, this isn't healthy. You can't just sit in your house all day."
"Why not? It's a pretty big house. It has everything I need to survive for a few months."
"This is not healing. I told you not to get involved with her again. I told you it wouldn't end well. You can't just avoid her Darleen. Skylar isn't worth it. Look what she's doing to you, you are hardly even recognizable. You've changed so much since you've been with her. The problem isn't you, it's Skylar. She's leading you on, she's pushing you around when we all know she has no intention of following through. I'd bet you 100 dollars she hasn't told Jade about what happened between you two. Is that really someone you want back in your life?"
I had been texting Wini regular updates on the situation. She is the only one I can trust with the whole story. I know she won't go and blab her mouth to anyone. Plus the girl is usually great with advice. She truly is a saint, I can hardly remember what I did before I met her.
Still, her I told you so's were not welcome, I wasn't ready to hear them.
"Just shut up, you don't know what you are talking about. Skylar is an amazing person, she's just confused!"
"If she was such an amazing person she wouldn't have played with your heart. It was always Jade, Darleen, she cheated on you too. She kissed Jade when you two were together, who knows how many times that happened that she never told you. Open your eyes, Skylar may be confused but that doesn't give her an excuse to play with you. If she doesn't know what she wants then she shouldn't be in a committed relationship to begin with."
I sighed and walked over to the lounge, sitting on the couch. Wini sat next to me and rubbed my shoulder.
"I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth. Skylar isn't worth all this trouble. She is always going to be confused, always going to be wishy-washy. She doesn't love you the way you love her. You need to move on or at least heal from this. I miss you, the you before her. The fun you. The you who made people laugh and was just so fun to be around. You've changed, maybe you don't see it, but I do. When you were with Skylar you closed yourself off to everyone but her. You became like her little plaything. What you two had was toxic. Don't go back there."
"I didn't like who I was before. That wasn't me. That was just some girl pretending to fit in, pretending to be what she thought everyone wanted her to be. That wasn't me Wini. Skylar brought out the real me. She made me so happy. For the first time in a hell of a long time, I wasn't lonely anymore. She made me feel things I forgot I could feel. Sure she's not perfect, but neither am I. Maybe I did shut everyone out, but it was only because I wanted to keep her all to myself. If you could see the Skylar I saw you would know why I have to keep fighting for this."
"Then why did you cheat on her?"
Why? That damn question, why, why did I do it. Why? If I loved her then why? If she loved me then why? Why? What drives someone to do that? Maybe I knew when I did it but I don't remember the reason now. It could have been selfish, it could have been justified, but right now it doesn't even matter anymore.
"I don't know," I said.
"I think you do. Maybe you're not ready to face the truth yet, but it's going to come to you whether you like it or not. Stop doing this to yourself, she's not worth it, and she never was."
"She is to me."
She sighed and got up to leave.
"It's going to keep hurting for a while, but one day it won't hurt anymore. When you are ready to accept that, let me know. Also, come to school please, people are starting to talk."
"What are they saying?"
"Does it matter?"
I shrug.
She shakes her head at me and walks off, leaving me alone to think.
I stay cooped up in my house for a whole week before my aunt notices.
She bangs on the door early Monday morning and forces me to get up and go answer the door. When I do, she is standing there with a scowl on her face. I shrink in on myself. I can't believe I've let her see me like this.
Weak.
She steps inside without so much as a word. I shut the door behind her.
She turns to face me and eyes me up and down. I haven't showered in a few days and I'm wearing the same thing I've been wearing since Thursday. I wrap my arms around myself and keep my head low.
"Go take a shower." She orders.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
"What does it look like, obviously you need adult supervision. The school says you haven't shown up in a week. What's going on here?"
"You're not my mom."
"Darleen Whitaker Grayson, you do not back talk me like that. Respect your elders." She chastises.
I clench my hands into fist and force myself to meet her eyes.
"I'm not a kid anymore," I say.
"Then stop acting like one. Now go take a shower and change. I'm taking you to school."
"No."
"No?"
"No, I'm not going. I just... I need some time."
"This is your senior year. You need to make a good impression for college. They look at this kind of thing, you'll never get into Ivy like this."
"Is that all you care about?"
She raises an eyebrow.
"Is that all anyone cares about? What about me? What about how I feel? Where are my parents? Why aren't they here!? Has anyone even asked me if I want to go to college? You have no idea what I am going through right now, you can't just come in here and order me around! You don't care about me; all you care about is the stupid family image. Just go. I don't need you here. I can take care of myself just fine. I've been doing it since I was 13."
"Darleen," she sighs.
"Just leave me alone." I try to walk past her.
"What is going on, why don't you want to go to school?" she follows after me.
"It's nothing," I say.
"Obviously not, since you look like that."
"I can't... I can't face her. Because if I do, then it will all be real. It will all be finally over. I don't want that. I don't want it to be too late, I don't want it to be the end. I don't want to watch her be with someone else. I can't."
I can feel the tears threatening to spill over like a cup just one drop away from overflowing. I lean against the stairwell and do my best to hide my face. I don't want her to see me like this.
"Please tell me it's not about that girl again."
"Go away."
"She's nothing Darleen. People like us don't need people like her. She will never amount to anything in life, she came from nothing and she will always be nothing. Stop crying over nothing."
I get up and run to my room and slam the door.
I knew she wouldn't understand. She doesn't get it at all. Maybe Skylar is nothing to her, but she's everything to me. It hurts having to live without her. It hurts so much. I wish I never fell in love with her. Why was I so stupid?
I knew she loved Jade from day one. I knew I would have to fight for her, I thought I was better than Jade. I thought I could win Skylar over easily; I am so stupid. I let myself fall for the girl who was already in love with someone else.
I have no one to blame but myself.
My aunt never comes to chase after me. I guess she didn't feel like fighting me tooth and nail. After she is gone, I decide I need a shower and go to take one. After that, I clean up a little bit and just go back to laying in my bed. I pull the covers over my head and let myself drift off to sleep.
Around eight at night there is more knocking on the door. I groan and get up. The house is pitch black. I rub my eyes and make my way downstairs turning on all the lights on my way down.
"I said leave me alone," I swing the door open.
But it's not my aunt standing there, it's Skylar.
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