You know what's great? Being a cake.

I don't know why, but cake makes me fly.

I feel like a can of yeast that's rising.

I won't cause infection, but I can make you feel soft and surprising.

***

Light me up and stack my brothers on top of me. Make us the tallest cake you have ever seen. Life is perfect, and totally grand. And now it's time for me to get a tan. 

What's the setting? 480 degrees? That's reasonable, but don't burn me please.

After the tanning, its time to decorate me.

Spray that frosting all over me, decorate me with your collection of M&M's that you were saving for Halloween. Stick as many candles on my head, I'll hold them for you, they're my friends.

***

Finally, I'm complete after 50 minutes of baking. My brothers and I have become the we have dreamed to be!

Look at us! There's sparklers on our sides. Sprinkles and candy fluttered about. We are the cake only dreams are made of. Life is perfect. Plus, I have a fancy plate to sit on!

Wait... What's going on? What are you doing?

SWEET JEBUS OF MARY MADGELINE!! IS THAT A LIGHTER?!?!

YOU BETTER OUT THAT FIRE NOW!! I WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY!!

***

MY FROSTING!! IT'S MELTING!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I swear. You will not hear the end of this...

I will make you beg for mercy...

I will buy you a BRATZ doll. I will buy you the pretty party outfits. I WILL buy you the wrap you up in the PARTY OUTFITS...

I WILL BEND YOU OVER AND MAKE YOU MY SPRINKLES...

AS YOU EAT MY SPRINKLES, I WILL GIVE YOU THE FATTEST INDIGESTION.. I WILL BLOAT YOUR HIPS AND BLOAT YOUR FACE...

I WILL FLOOD YOU WITH STARCH.

I WILL MAKE THE TASTE SOFT ON THE INSIDE AND THEN MAKE YOUR AFTER TASTE SO BAD THAT YOU WILL BE NOTHING BUT-!!

*CHOMP*

***

Kids, let this be a lesson to always bake your cake correctly. Clearly this cake has had a few ingredients that weren't fully baked in. And kids, that's what happens when you do not properly bake your cake. 

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.