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like sugar water

people are fooled by sweetness,

sweet smiles and sweet lies

all contain saccharine poison.

Being different meant people wouldn't always accept you, but that wasn't the end of life. I had accepted this fact long ago—I was destined to be alone—and as I let go of Arleen's hand, I prepared myself for the hours of isolation I would face till we saw again. I almost wanted to beg her to stay but that was impossible. I would never impose my will on anybody no matter how desperate I was.

"At least we have each other," she said, beaming at me as though she'd read my mind.

Her gaze flitted across my face, carefully examining my features as my silence stretched on. "I get worried, you know?"

"Arleen," I said as gently as possible, resisting the urge to turn away from her questioning gaze. "I'm fine."

I was not.

"Hm." She stopped walking, unconvinced, and before I could ask what was wrong she was at it again, leaping to a new conversation. "You know, if I was a boy and you were a girl, I would fall in love with you."

I scrunched up my nose at the thought of us dating. She was like a sister to me and I had never thought of her that way. "Why?"

"You're really pretty! And you'd be so hot as a girl," she gushed, tapping my forehead with her slender index finger. The spot burned, her warm skin blazing hot to my frigid face.

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from pulling away. Curling my fingers into the fabric of my hoodie, I took in a deep breath and managed to smile. "Maybe."

"I wish I had your lashes, they're so long. And your pianist fingers. God was being so unfair when He made you," she added, shoving her hand back into her pocket.

I nodded, not knowing what else to say.

I couldn't say anything, my throat sealed shut by an invisible force; I couldn't tell her to stop talking and I couldn't even lie and say that I agreed with her. Her words numbed me as much as they hurt me—froze me in place.

Each time she parted those glossy lips of hers, she hurled daggers of ice into my gut, oblivious to my subtle twitches of agony.

It was not the first time and it wouldn't be the last. Arleen was outspoken and I loved her for it. She didn't deserved to be shot down by me of all people just because of my many insecurities, so I endured in silence.

Breathe. Just breathe.

As she continued lavishing me with what she thought were compliments, I tried my best not to keep my eyes dry. She would never know how much those words hurt because Arleen couldn't know how much I wanted to give up everything she was so jealous of if only I could be happy. She couldn't know that life was a steep slope I fought to climb each time I had to give myself reasons to get up every morning.

She shouldn't know.

So, I swallowed my pain and smiled. The lashes she adored concealed unshed tears as I glared at the snow-laden road and thanked her endlessly in my heart. Because of her, I finally realized that even my best friend couldn't really understand me.

And it hurt.

It hurt so much.

Because it meant that no one ever would.

"Stay safe, Olly!" she yelled, waving both hands at me as she ran up the porch of her house. When she got to the front door, she turned back to look at me.

I watched her expressionlessly, knowing what she was waiting for, but I just couldn't bring myself to wave back. I couldn't even manage a smile.

Soon enough she spun on her heel and disappeared into the house. From where I stood, the slam of the door was still loud enough to make me flinch.

It was now that the dams decided to fail. My vision blurred and my eyes burned, the emotions I had fought so hard to bury bubbling to the surface.

I had no thoughts on my mind other than wiping away the tears before anyone could see, the salty tracks warming up my freezing fingers, because even if no one thought I was one, men didn't cry.

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