Death of Adolf

a CASEY JEWLZ story

……………………………….

“Uncle Casey!” the little boy yelled and jumped to embrace the older man.

“Oi, little Tommy, you grown big, ain’t ya?”

“Uncle Casey, tell me a story, won’t ya? Tell me the one about the mermaid lady.” the little boy pointed at a tattoo of a mermaid with huge breasts Casey had tattooed on his forearm.

“Little bugger, i tellz youz what. You make sure that fat bottomed mother of yours ain’t around and i’ll sing youz a dirty ditty bout the time i killed Hitler and got me this tattoo.” Casey pointed at a tattoo of a wolf head on his shoulder.

“Aye, don’t worry about that uncle Casey. Here’s a beer.”

“Good lad. So it all began with that loud mouthed harlot Molly O'Reilly. Some set o’ tits she ‘ad on ‘er, swear on the holy book. She could feed the first infantry regiment on one diddy alone. So, there i wuz one fateful night, pumpin’ away at ‘er like a stoker workin’ a double shift when she turns around and says ‘Oi, put some effort into that, will ya?’. So naturally, me being a gentleman an’ all, i pump her full o’ spunk, grab me knickers and get to running.” Casey burst into laughing in front of the unamused little boy. “I can only imagine the face on ol’ man O’Reilly when she’d come to ‘im all plugged.”

“What’s that gotta do with Hitler?” the little boy asked.

“Oi, i’m getting to that. So there i wuz trying to have a pint and relax after a hard night’s work and ‘er words kept coming at me. Like she didn’t think i wuz man enough, like i wuz a cheese-eating surrender monkey. So, naturally, i had a few more pints and started arguing with another gentleman dressed in full uniform. By the time the argument wuz over we wuz both bleedin’ all over the place. Aye, that bugger ‘it hard, but i ‘it ‘im harder. So there we wuz, bleedin’, our faces torn to shite when the barkeep comes and tells us to pay for the broken chairs and mugs. So we put a righteous beatin’ on ‘im and kept wetting our beaks till the break o’ dawn.”

“Uncle Casey, this story is boring.”

“Boring, eh.” Casey said getting out of the chair. “Lemme take a crap and i’ll get to the good part, you bugger.”

All manners of grunts and sounds came from the bathroom and after half an hour Casey Jewlz emerged victorious, smoking a cigarette.

“I tell you, that wuz some exorcism sort of shite in there. Reminds me of a date i ‘ad once with this birdy who used to twist ‘er ‘ead around. I tellz ya, that was one unholy shag right then.”

“Uncle Casey, what about Hitler?”

“Aye, Hitler. So there we wuz in the pub, drunk as leprechauns on St. Paddys when this bloke says ‘e ‘as to go meet with ‘is unit. So i said ‘I wanna get me unit wet too, mate!’. So we got to this place and there i wuz waiting to get a piece o’ ass when this burly drill sergeant comes and give me some papers to sing, gives me a haircut and a pair of slacks, drafts me ass up and sends me on to Germany.”

“Wow! You fought in the war, uncle Casey?”

“Fought in the war? I won that bloody war, single handed i did. Cock in hand i did. So there i wuz on the front line and i’d never shot a gun in me life. Me being a gentleman and such i wuz partial to a good, ‘onest to god fist fight. But i trained me guns, i trained ‘em hard on those krauts. Aye, you shoulda seen t’em fallin’ down on the field. Like flies, i tellz ya.”

“How many did ya kill, uncle Casey?”

“I don’t know, little Tommy, must ‘ave been tens o’ thousands. I wuz killing those jerrys left an’ right. So, anyways, there we wuz, me an’ me unit relaxin on a hill outside Berlin. We wuz knockin back a few pints to celebrate the victory. We wuz gonna penetrate Berlin the next day so, naturally, we got piss drunk. And then i woke up in the middle o’ the night to drain me lizard, you know, shake hands with the king, when i hears screams coming from the camp. So i sheath me sword and nearly piss me pants and i start running towards the camp. When i get there i see all me comrades laying on the ground all slashed to ribbons. There wuz eyes hanging out of the skull, one o’ me mates was screaming and tryin’ to push ‘is guts back into ‘is belly. People wuz missing theyz arms and legs. And there was me best mate, Paul, lying in a pool o’ blood with his chest all gashed up. I could see ‘is lungs through the bones. And i told ‘im ‘Paul, mate, youz insides stink’ and ‘e said ‘Casey, old mate, make sure you fuck all them harlots once for me too, and think of me when you do it’ so i said ‘Mate, if i think o’ youz, i’ll lose me stiffy’ and then all o’ the sudden i feel a pain in me back like some bloke just stuck a hook in me. So i turn around to see the largest wolf you’d ever seen in youz life. ‘Well, fuck me blind’ i thought. And this was one ugly beast and the motherfucker was sitting on two legs like me an’ you.”

“Was it a werewolf, uncle Casey?”

“Aye, lad. It wuz a bloody werewolf. So me and the pooch start going at it. Nearly killed me, it did. But then i reach my little pistol and plug ‘im a couple of times through the middle o’ ‘is chest. So the pooch starts yelpin’ like crazy and runs off. So, naturally, i light up a durry and feel something warm in my pants and i thinks to meself ‘Aw, shite, Casey. You done an’ pissed youzself again.’ so i looks down at me junk to see all me guts hanging out o’ me belly, blood spurtin’ erywhere.”

“But, uncle Casey, you’re alive and you don’t have a scar.”

“Aye, lad, cuz it heald. You stupid or something? So, anyways, i put me guts back in me belly and hold them there. So i starts buryin’ all me mates then. Not right to leave a man out in the field to rot.”

“You buried them while holding your intestines in with one of your hands?”

“Aye lad, you deaf too? So, anyways, then i takes off my uniform and everything and go into town, still holding me guts and me prick flailing in the wind. I wuz a dead man walkin’ down the street looking for pub to ‘ave one last pint before i set sail for greener pastures. So there i wuz when an old gypsy lady takes me by the ‘and an’ pulls me inside a small house. I tellz youz, she was looking at me all cock hungry ‘n’ stuff. Before i knows it she throws me on the bed and gets a big ol’ pot of something from the closet and puts it on the fire and she stirs and she stirs then spits in it three times and pulls out a piece of hair from me bollocks and puts it in the pot.”

“Why the hair, uncle Casey?”

“Do i look like a gypsy to yous? Eh? So anyways, she takes a handful of the paste and starts putin’ it on me belly, over the cut. And she keeps rubbin’ and rubbin’ so i getz a stiffy, yous know. So, naturally, me bein’ a gentleman ‘n’ all i throws her a nice little fuck. I swear on the holy book, she turned younger while i wuz huffin’ ‘n’ puffin’ at her. So, there i wuz, holding me guts in with one hand and tuggin’ her hair with the other and her hair turns from white to the darkest black and she starts ridin’ me, this 20 year old gypsy. The next mornin’ i wake up alone with a set of clean clothes next to the bed and stack of german money on the counter. I swear, i never felt so cheap in me whole life.”

“So what about the werewolf, uncle Casey?”

“Aye, the werewolf, ugly bugger. So i starts going around town asking about the werewolf. No one knew nothing, they wouldn’t even speak to me like they didn’t understand what i wuz saying. Fuckin’ krauts. So i remembered something about werewolves and gold so i starts begging and stealings stuff to get me hands on some o’ that gold.”

“Uncle Casey, i believe it was silver.”

“Youz simple lad? Why would it be silver? Gold is more expensive and shines better. You try walkin’ around with a silver grill in youz mouth and see what youz mates say. No, it wuz gold all the way. So, anyways, i get me hands on some gold and keep looking for the werewolf. Word must travel faster in Germany, cuz after a week this birdy comes up to me in a pub and tells me ‘er name is Eva and she knows all about Hitler's wolves. And she was fine, this one. Long legs, white skin, black hair and a fine pair o’ jugs, i ain’t bullshitin’ ya. So, naturally, i gets suspicious cuz i ain’t never said nothing about being Hitler's wolves. So she tells me to shut up and meet me at this address in one hour. ‘Find mich in ze room 69’ she said.”

“And what did you do, uncle Casey?”

“Well, lad, i did what any other man in me position would do. I had a few pints, and let me tell you these jerrys have a shite ale, and went to the address she gave me. When i gets there she was waitin’ for me in the room and i saw she had a horn for me.”

“And then?”

“Well, lad, being the gentleman, i bent ‘er over the table, pulled up ‘er skirt, took out me unit and started doing me part. And then this birdy pushes me away and turns around, so i go at it that way. And, what do youz know. In the process of ripping her shirt open i see two bullet marks right between those heavenly tits o’ ‘ers.”

“She was the werewolf.” little tommy yelled.

“Aye, lad, that she wuz. So i looks up at ‘er face and see her eyes were shining like petrol and ‘er teeth wuz growing in her maw and her fingers were turning into claws. Then she goes and sticks ‘er claws in me back and tries to bite me neck off. So i sticks me prick in her and put me hands around her neck. ‘This one’s for youz Paul, mate!’ i kept thinking. And we go at it like that the entire night, fightin’ and fuckin’, fuckin’ an’ fighting, until day came and we both fell over dead tired. I tellz ya, i expected more stamina out of a werewolf.”

“What then?”

“Then i woke up, me head pounding and she was gone. The room was in shambles and she’d left me a note. It read ‘Ich liebe dich zu sehr, um dich zu töten, und ich kann mir ein Leben ohne dich nicht vorstellen. Aber ich weiß, dass du ein freier Geist bist, also werde ich dir dieses letzte Abschiedsgeschenk geben. XO Eva.’.”

“What does that mean, uncle Casey?”

“Fuck if i know. Never managed to understand kraut meself, but that day Hitler was found dead and with ‘im a bridy named Eva Braun. Was no suicide on his part, i knows it. Dunno ‘bout “er. And so, that’s how i killed Adolf Hitler.”

~ March 2019