Alex took my words moderately well (thankfully). He did shoot me a murderous glare, but he didn’t start crying again, so that was nice, sorta. (I wish I was one of those people that were confident in what they were saying when speaking to others so that I wouldn’t doubt every single word that comes out of my mouth, but yeah, tough luck, I was born insecure.)

(Hah. I’m sure fetus me was probably thinking shit like, “Damn dude, do I really exist, or are you just playing?” “You sure I won this weird race to the eggs?”)

Alex cleared his throat and started doing the thing with his toe again. “Between you and me, David…” I wanted to reach out and grab his foot. I didn’t. It wasn’t the right time (if there ever was a right time for that lol). “They aren’t huge, so I can still hide them with an oversized jacket and a few other layers. What disturbs me the most, is knowing that they are there.”

Okay. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t thinking anymore at this point. The conversation just kind of happened. I let it happen. I remember thinking stuff like: This is going to suck but we probably need to have this talk for it to suck less, and, Wow I really need to learn how to talk to people. “Do— Have you decided yet? About what you’re going to do? I mean, I know we talked about this a few months ago, but since then there’s been therapy and… other stuff, I guess.” Yep, I fucking guessed.

All I was doing was fucking guessing.

Fuck that.

I’m a terrible support system, diary.

Alex let out a sigh that would have probably made my tail go between my legs if I were really a dog. His head disappeared a bit deeper into his arms, and maybe it was just me, but I feel like his face was kind of red. “I don’t want to regret it,” he mumbled. “I’m scared, David. It’s like the default route for everyone like me is getting injected with stuff and taking out and adding bits to my body, but… I’m not sure if I am everyone in that sense…” He huffed again.

I couldn’t help myself this time. “Can I hug you?” I said.

A few seconds where neither of us said anything passed. I was shitting myself, because What if I spoke too soon or asked him for something that was obviously not okay right now?

I was about to tell him to forget it, but then he scooched closer to me and rested his head against my shoulder. So instead, I asked him, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” It was one word, but it was enough. I put my arm around him. Part of me was surprised when he went in for a full-on hug and pressed his chest against mine. I only intended to hug him from the side since I know he probably didn’t want to be touched there, and apparently, he understood quickly that I was surprised, because I gasped. Good job David.

“You didn’t want this?” Alex was on the verge of pulling away when I shook my head.

He paused.

I gulped.

“That’s not…” I bit my lip. “I did. I do. But what about you?” I’m not sure if he could feel me frowning against his shoulder, though if he did, he didn’t mention it. “Isn’t this like… uncomfortable for you?”

“Do you really see me as a man, David?” Alex pulled me closer. He deepened our hug, and yeah, I don’t mean to be tmi diary, but I could definitely feel… the source of his pain, if you catch my gist. “Even after we’ll make love, even when you’ll see me without clothes, even once you’ll see everything—will you still think of me like that?”

He was crying again. I hated it. Not because of his tears, but because I couldn’t stand watching him suffer like this. “We don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.” It was true. I could wait. I could wait forever if it’s him.

“But what if I want to…” Alex’s tone went soft again. It threw me off guard. He wanted to?

He wanted to have sex with me?

Since when?

What?

He cleared his throat. “I don’t want to have to wait. But it’s like it’ll ruin the illusion of what I’ve worked so hard to create with these clothes if we do it before I change.”

“Alex…” I rested my hand against the back of his head. He was sobbing, and I wanted to cry, too, but I didn’t, because then we just would have cried, and cried, and cried and then slept on this conversation we desperately needed to have.

Maybe I’m a masochist. This was my chance of bailing and not making this any more painful than it already was for us both, but I couldn’t do that.

I couldn’t abandon him in this weird trail of thought he was having that I completely understood but loathed all the same.

“Alex, I’m not like that,” I said, and I was surprised to find myself kind of angry with what he believed I could think of him. “I don’t care. Did you not hear me when I said I loved you? That didn’t mean I love your oversized jackets because they hide your chest. It meant I loved you. Everything. Not just your appearance. I mean… I like that too, you look like a model.” I was an idiot for laughing like a nervous wreck. I couldn’t hold it in. That sucked. I hope he knew why I was laughing, and that it wasn’t at him.

I needed to let everything out, all this stuff that I didn’t tell him over the past few months.

“But, whatever… that’s not the point here, Alex. We’ve known each other for a while. I’ve also known from the beginning about what you’re going through. It’s not like it’s going to be a surprise for me if we get naked at some point.”

“Like I said though, if you don’t want to, we really don’t have to… or I can be the only one who gets naked. Just saying, there’s not one way to do things? Like, you probably already know that, you saw me in women’s underwear last week, but you get my point... I hope… I’m just rambling now… sorry.”