Alex shook his head. “No…” he said. “No, you’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just that sometimes it seems too good to be true when you treat me like that, so—”

“Like what?”

“Like… a man. And it’s like you really mean it, and that you’re not just playing along with what I want. Sometimes people respect my choice, but I can still tell by the way they look at me and treat me, that they still think of me as a woman. And… I don’t really blame them for that, because I was still showing up to conventions as Athena in dresses and all that a few weeks ago, so I suppose it’s understandable in a way. Yet… you saw that part of me too, and still… here you are, being so honest that it hurts.”

His lip twitched. He took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m afraid of breaking that spell, David,” he said, as he looked at me again. “I’m happy with you. I don’t want you to start seeing me like they do. But I’m… afraid of going through with the physical changes, too, because it’s not just like getting a haircut, or buying a new pair of shoes. It’s so complicated. It demands so much work that I can’t see myself doing that right now. But… if I don’t, it’s like society won’t ever believe I feel this way. And I was afraid of telling you that, because I don’t want you to think this is all fake, since I don’t want to take such a big leap when so many other people would die to get on hormones or have those surgeries.”

“Alex, I swear to God, why do you think I’m that type of guy?” I held him by the shoulders. Our eyes met. His gaze was earnest. It wasn’t my intention, but I raised my voice. I lost my cool. And Alex recoiled, and I felt terrible. But I couldn’t stop. If I didn’t tell him now, when would I get the chance? When would we ever talk about this again? “What the hell do I have to do to prove to you that I’m not playing around? What can I do to convince you? Please, Alex, just tell me. I don’t know what to do. I want to help, really, I do. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make you happy. I don’t know how to please you. I don’t know how to make you trust me, it kills me to say this, but it’s hard for me when I’m not even sure if you ever will.”

Our roles had been reversed, now, I was the one with tears in his eyes.

I felt like shit, and I guess this was our lowest point, because Alex couldn’t find anything else to say than, “I don’t know,” and “My apologies.”

So, I held onto the only hope of finding a solution that I would ever have, and I said, “Can you promise me something?”

He nodded.

“Think about it? If there’s something I can do, and if you find the answer, could you tell me what that is?”

“Of course,” Alex muttered. His squeezed his elbow, once. “Thanks. And… I’m sorry.”

I hugged him again. “Don’t be,” I told him. “I’m sorry for getting snot on your shirt.”

He laughed. “Well, I suppose I got tears on yours, we’re even now.”

Diary, I just really hope Alex’ll find something that restores the trust he never had in me. Maybe people would have left him at this point, but I don’t really think that’s the right answer. To me, he’s just going through something rough, and if I can’t be by his side during that, then why would I deserve him at his best?

I want to work hard for things to be okay between us again, and I hope he acknowledges that soon.

…Well, I guess I wrote this kind of like an essay, I don’t know why. It’s probably today’s serious mood that got to me. That, or I’m becoming one of those people that get addicted to diaries and recommended it to all their friends for hours.

Spooky.

It’s a bit late right now, but I think I might call Mark tomorrow, or Nog, or both… we’ll see. I just figure they might have advice since they’re kind of relationship veterans at this point.

Anyway, I’ll try to check in sometime next week maybe.

See you later