CONTENT WARNING: Written depiction of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Read with caution.

The initial announcement of Noa being the only nominee for DI President was enough to turn them bright red, but the loud cheering section made up of would-be bullies turned the moment from sweet embarrassment to livid fury. The only thing that kept Noa from running was a constant internal mantra, “I will not break. I will not break. I will not allow myself to break.” After dismissal there was the handshaking, the thanking for everything, the congratulations, Noa went through it with the realest fake smile they could muster.

When finally released, they ran into Iris, who was not going to be ignored. “Iris, please,” Noa begged, wanting only to recede into their room and disappear.

“Noa, I can’t take another day of being ignored. I need you.” Iris’ eyes were filled with tears threatening to spill over and wreck her makeup. “I-i’m sorry. I wasn’t going to tell him everything, I just,” she babbled on as they overfilled and ran down her cheeks.

“Iris,” Noa tried to focus on the righteous anger over the bullies and not be pulled into the teary mess that was Iris and her apology. They cupped her cheek with one hand, using their thumb to wipe at the tears, “You’re my best friend, I can’t stay mad at you. But really, right now, I need to go. Call me later, I’ll answer this time.” They pulled her into a hug that didn’t last nearly long enough for Iris, and then let her go, running now to NBH, their only sanctuary from everything.

It wasn’t to be. Noa cut through a group that was caught up in the hall. As they finally squeezed out of the blockage they ran into Michael. Noa actually cared quite a bit about Michael, too much, maybe, since Michael was able to grab their attention and pull them aside.

“Noa, we need to talk.”

“What the fuck, Michael?” Noa was losing their mantra, the final thread to not completely falling apart in public.

“That exactly, Noa. You’ve been moody and mean since Sunday.” Michael crossed his arms over his chest and gave Noa his hardest look. To Noa it was normally comical, Michael’s curly hair, thick rimmed glasses, cherry pink cheeks and dark blue eyes gave him the appearance of a serious toddler.

“Michael, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but please, I can’t, right now,” their voice started shaking, their hands followed quickly.

They turned and ducked down another hall of the building. Their run became erratic as they turned another corner and barreled down an empty hall. There was no exit but the fire exits. Noa knew that, but couldn’t piece it together while trying to repair their mantra, “I’m not breaking. I can’t break. They can’t see me break. I don’t want to break. Stop breaking!”

Another corner and another familiar face. Noa ran right into Em’s chest, but it wasn’t just Em. To his left was Trevor. Noa bounced off of Em, and thankfully didn’t trip over their own feet. They managed to stay upright. They backed up, speechless.

“Oh, there’s our queen freak!” Trevor’s taunting voice carried a small tune through the mostly empty hall. “Or did you decide to grow some balls?”

Noa couldn’t process it. They heard it but couldn’t process the words. For a moment they weren’t sure what was happening and looked between Trevor and Marceau for help, their brow wrinkled in their confusion. Em reached out to steady Noa but they yelped and jumped away from his hands, as if being touched by fire. They dropped their bag and dashed around the two boys, Trevor’s raucous laughter chasing after them as they finally found a door out of the building.

In the thick afternoon air, Noa let loose with their run, long legs eating up the ground as they recklessly tore through the school grounds. They hardly slowed before slamming into the NBH doors. Shaking hands scrambled to get the key card to slide correctly. With a beep, they stumbled into the hall. “Don’t break. Not yet, don’t break. They can’t see.” Their mantra was now being mumbled through numb lips as they unlocked their door.

They crashed to the floor as the door shut behind them. Noa let the anger and fear wash over them. It came with all the memories from all the years past. Every interaction with Trevor and those like him. Every time Noa had to pretend to be strong so they wouldn’t win. They curled into a ball, their fingers digging into their scalp as the tears started to dry up. Their body was still sobbing but the tears wouldn't come anymore.

Noa laid there on the cold floor. They took several shaky breaths when their brain settled on disappearing as the only way to get them to stop, the only way to never hear Trevor’s voice again. Logically, they knew high school would be over in the spring. Intellectually, Noa understood that it was only 9 months to graduation and then they’d never see Trevor again. But in this moment, they wanted to disappear, it felt like the only way out. Why, Noa wondered, couldn’t they just leave Noa alone?