I didn’t sleep well last night. I still could feel the cold breath on my neck. Embracing myself tightly, I sat on my bed. Whenever I thought of what had happened last night, I felt really grey but no more tears would flow and my body no longer trembled from the thought. I could feel my eyes swelled up and my body paralyzed from the horrid experience. I missed my mother. I missed my home. I missed my father. I wanted to go home. With what had happened, Hijikata had no choice but to abide if I spoke of leaving.

It is still dawn. The soldiers must be still sleeping. I stood up and exited Kondo’s room. I thought of sneaking out but clearly, I had taken Shinsengumi lightly. Once I stepped out of the room I immediately saw a soldier. With the usual cheeky grin, Souji stared at me as he ate some rice crackers.

They stationed him here to guard last night? He…hasn’t slept? I wondered. I placed myself sitting beside Souji. “How long have you been here?”

“The whole night.” Souji answered, offering some rice crackers in the process. He also poured a cup of green tea for me. “Here. It’ll calm you down.” He said.

I took the cup and sipped the tea. It’s warm… I took my time to sip the delicious fragrant tea.

“Hijikata-san asked me to prepare it. He said that it will calm you and he’s right!” Souji said as he chuckled making me choke on the tea. That demon asked him to serve this to me?! I coughed a few times and attempted to breathe properly. To think that Hijikata still concerned himself with me made me feel guilty for calling him demon.

“Take it easy. It’s not poisoned.” Souji joked.

My thoughts exactly…

“How do you know what I’m thinking?” I eyed him suspiciously.

“Did I? That’s a miracle! Maybe we are fated to tease Hijikata-san!” Souji continued with his joke. Honestly, it was comforting to have someone like the sun. I smiled a little and continued to drink the tea. I pondered whether I could go home. People here were kind and friendly which perhaps became the reason why I felt a bit sad to leave.

“We searched throughout the headquarters last night but we found no trace. It could be someone from outside because if he was from Shinsengumi, he would be easily found by Hijikata-san. Then, he would be condemned to seppuku .” Souji spoke of it lightly as if it were nothing.

“S-seppuku? To be honest I still fear that it might happen again but… Isn’t seppuku too much?” I stammered. A life was not to be played with. Even if that burglar had harassed me, a punch would have sufficed to appease my anger and hatred. Was there a need for a seppuku? Was there a need for death? It reminded me of my father. Whenever it was related to Shinsengumi, ‘horrible death’ was in the list.

“That’s how strict Shinsengumi is. We can’t have anyone staining our reputation. We’re doing this by risking our own existences. Those who violate the bushido rules must be ready to accept it.” Souji explained as he took another cracker and ate it happily.

“Isn’t that blackmailing? Just because of me someone is going to lose his life… as angry as I am I don’t like the idea of him getting seppuku.” I remarked. I gulped down my own saliva, frightened at the existence of such rule. I thought they are merely pawns of the government. It thought they are unruly murderers. They are honorable men who are willing to end their life for order and for what is right.

“Blackmailing is a way to protect what is precious to us, isn’t it? In our case, soldiers are warned that if they treasure their life they must not commit any violation. Such blackmail is to protect their honor and pride in a sense. Hijikata-san warned us last night after the search, doesn’t it mean that he treasures you?” Souji smiled teasingly.

I looked away sheepishly as I denied. “He is only using me for his needs.”

“That might not be the case. I am sure you know that he put you as his personal servant is to keep you away from the danger of being the only woman in this headquarters. Even if you’re his personal servant, you are asked to cook for the soldiers and to help with the chores, right? Aren’t you serving Shinsengumi? Aren’t you an asset of ours?” Souji chuckled.

My heart wavered when I heard so. My decision shook in uncertainty. I felt happy for being a contribution but at the same time I feared what I might face in the future. I didn’t give any response regarding my contribution. I personally thought I wasn’t that much of a help.

“By the way, Hijikata-san likes your radish cooking. Oops, I have to get going.” Souji stood up and began walking away.

“Where to?” I asked. I wanted a company for a while, at least until I reached a decision whether to stay or to leave.

“Lavatory. Do you want to come along?” Souji laughed as he ran away.

Never mind. I’m fine on my own. I convinced myself, helping myself with the rest of rice crackers. I am not sure whether Souji is smart or is he pretending to be stupid. I sighed.

“Uhm…Excuse me—“ Someone called. I turned my head towards him and saw someone shaking violently on a bull which seemed angry. His face turned bloodless as if he was going to pass out that moment.

My jaw dropped upon the sight. Then I noticed he had the rein in hands. “P-pull the rein!” I suggested. Thankfully the bull stopped with a ‘moo’. The man on bull shivered as he got down from the bull. His foot slipped from the footing and fell face first on the ground. Startled at his magnificent fall, I approached him immediately to help him up.

If I remember correctly, he’s Sannan Keisuke the supposed vice-commander. I heard he is granted permission to leave his post because he hasn’t been feeling well. He always says his gratitude when I delivered his meals.

Sannan had a souhatsu hairstyle just like Hijikata. His appearance was kind and warm except that he was shaking with fear now. His dark purple kimono was full of dirt due to his contact with the ground.

I propped him up and helped him to the wooden floor, slowly put him to sit. He laughed sheepishly. I went to lead the bull to a nearby tree and tied him there. He seemed aggressive but he wasn’t disobedient. I really wanted to know what had happened between Sannan and this particular bull.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Ah, thank you. I am fine. Are you fine, Sayo-?” He smiled.

“No, no. Are YOU alright, Sannan-san? You just fell.” I retorted. To be honest I was really worried if he had broken his nose or not. “What happened between you and the bull?”

“You remember me? That’s an honor! Ahahaha. I was just from the field, cultivating the land. We have a small field to plant vegetables as you have known. Who knew the bull was so eager to carry me on its back.” Sannan laughed but he ceased soon enough.

“Uhm…now that we are here, I want to apologize.” He said as he bowed deeply towards me who was clueless why he was apologizing. I returned with a bow quickly, saying it was alright that I didn’t mind just so that he would sit straight again.

“Why must you apologize?” This man seemed to blame himself for what had happened to me last night. But on what fact?

“About you being harassed yesterday…I was in my quarter. If only I had stepped out I would have noticed and helped you. I am very sorry.” Sannan was going to bow again but I stopped him by bowing before he did.

“Thank you so much for your consideration! But it wasn’t Sannan-san’s fault. It was my fault for not accepting training as Hijikata-san had asked. I thought he would force me to do the training regardless of my reason but he didn’t say anything else. He must have overestimated me. Despite my background and my ability, I am still a woman. Not to mention the fact that I have long abandoned the training.”

“I see… Well, uhm. Are you by any chance thinking of going home?” Sannan hit the bull’s eye. I turned silent, not denying nor confirming. Despite his clumsiness he was wise and he knew what I was thinking.

“Can’t you find any reason to stay? Since the assailants were probably people from outside. It’s possible to think that you are more exposed to danger outside than in Shinsengumi. Do you have any idea who could have harmed you?”

“No, sir. Ah! My supposed fiancé is a man from Tosa clan. Still… I don’t want to denounce him without proof. I can’t imagine it being true too.”

“If you still feel insecure, I can have a talk with Hijikata-kun to have Souji stationed every night outside your room.” What he said held some points but I couldn’t let Souji stay outside every night. It was uncomfortable in many ways.

“I can’t trouble him with my circumstances. About returning home…I’m still unsure. I’ll consider it.” I replied.

“I personally preferred you to stay. Our soldiers are hopeless with the chores. Ever since you came, everything was well organized. Well…mostly. Soldiers put more effort in their trainings and patrols. They look forward the delicious meals you cook.” Sannan looked desperate and it somehow encouraged me to stay.

“Hijikata-kun, too, enjoys your service! He is just too shy to express it.” He added with a smile. However, I would never lower my guard towards Hijikata just because Sannan took his side.

“Thank you, Sannan-san.” I said my thanks as I fumbled with my fingers. “By the way Sannan-san, I heard that if the assailant were a man of Shinsengumi he would be condemned to seppuku [1]. Is that true? Is there any way to not do it?” I questioned. I just had to know the truth about it. That moment Sannan seemed amused for whatever reason. He told me the rules were strict but it wasn’t hard to practice although there were some who took it lightly and ended up cutting their abdomens. The rules were no deserting Shinsengumi, no private money-raising, no personal battle, no taking part in other’s litigation, and many others which seem like common norms.

“A seppuku is a must if he is found guilty. But if he stays silent, he might survive, that is if his bushido[2] allows him to live shamelessly. Seppuku is his last chance to prove his worth and honor.” Sannan gazed towards the sky which was painted in black, slowly turning purple and eventually orange.

Although I wanted the assailant to be punished, if he had to give up his life I’d rather swallow down my hatred. I was cruel enough to curse but not cruel enough to have him condemned to death. I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore at this point. To a samurai, morality and honor were sacred. Seppuku to claim responsibility was appropriate but not to women and not to me who had lost my father.

“You know, Shinsengumi is here because of those who care and love their country. So, if one can’t respect one’s honor, he is unworthy to be a soldier whose job is to give his life to the country. At least I think so. W-what do you think of letting off this matter and stay?” Sannan persuaded, scratching the back of his head nervously. He apologized for being nosy and annoying which I disagreed. He educated me and showed me just how different rules of men and rules of women were.

“Please, don’t be so formal.” I smiled. I supposed he was right. It was more dangerous to go out. Perhaps I could rely more on them.

“Ah right, I almost forgot the main purpose of my visit. Hijikata-kun asked for your audience after lunch. Oh, do you think you can work today?” Sannan got up. I got up as well. We chatted as we promenaded towards the field where the soldiers practiced. Excited shouts were audible. They seemed energetic.

“I suppose I can as long as I am distracted.” I said.

“Good luck with that. Our soldiers will be relying on your service. See you later, Sayo.” Sannan excused himself to the training field while I headed to the kitchen. Soon enough I saw him running back to where he left the bull.

[1]Suicide by cutting abdomen with a knife. An honorable ritual during that time.

[2]A samurai/warrior code; loyalty, morality, honor, respect or gratitude, honesty, courage, benevolence or humanity, filial piety, respect for the elderly, and wisdom. It was the rule for one to commit seppuku if he’s proved to have violated the code.