Beautiful neck… It’s rare to see someone with such beautiful neck. I’m tempted. If only I have any type of strings in my hands right now I would love to wrap it around his neck, watching him gulp, looking at the beautiful vibration of his Adam’s apple as he choke, listening to the sweet sound of his croaking voice… What a turn on… But such a pity… No rope, no string, no shoelaces, no wires… What a pity…

What I love the most to see when people are being strangled is where they will show off their true colors. They became who they really are when they’re dying. Fear, anger, frustration, hope… Like a song I heard, I wonder the same too… ‘Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die’… Why? Why are they so afraid of death? Isn’t it okay to die? I think maybe I know why. They all want to go to heaven but they all know that they belong in hell. Everybody commit sins. They all thought of repenting one day. They all thought that one day they will be good and they will change. They all thought they’ll grow old and will only change for better once they’re old. So they keep committing sins… because God will forgive them someday and they will get to heaven. That’s why they don’t wanna die just yet. You see… if they die now, hell will welcome them!

Hahahahahaha! Naïve… What a naïve way of thinking… stupid way of living… What’s good about heaven anyway? And what’s so bad about hell? Do they even know? They’ve never been to these two places. So how could they know? Do these places even exist? Humor me… How can you prove if there’s a hell or heaven?

I don’t believe in anything. I don’t expect anything from anyone or from anything. It’s a good principle to live by. It’s a way to feel alive. I stopped believing in things when my father died. The only one who really knew me... The only one who’s able to stop me when I have the urge… The psychotic urge to hurt and get a boner when I watch someone die… But my father passed away. I don’t know whether he’s in hell or heaven. I’d like to believe that he’s neither in hell or heaven. I’d like to believe that it all just ended there. Oblivion. No more sickness. No more pain. He was sick for a long time. I used to pray to God. But God doesn’t listen to me so I stopped talking to Him. He took my daddy away…

Mommy only loves money. And she showed her true colors when she died. When I killed her… beautiful colors… I saw the whore, the hypocrite, the selfish woman in her… She deserved it. And so is he, that guy with her… They deserved it. And it’s not so bad in prison. There’s grandpa…

And CJ… This guy who happens to have the most beautiful neck in the whole word… Damn! Why can’t I strangle it? “Hey…” I called to him as I look down on him all the way from my upper side of the bed, hanging myself upside down from my waist, just looking at him, for a while now. And he had been ignoring me all the while as he reads a book. ‘I Conquer’. That’s the title of the book. A self-help book? How lame… He shoots an uncaring glance at me… oh deep piercing eyes. Are they meant to scare me? Hahahahaha. I don’t think it works, honey.

“Why? Can’t wait to die?” He asked.

I laugh out loud at him. And he laughs too. What’s so funny about it to him? I wonder… But whatever… Maybe he’s just mocking me. But I could care less about it. “You have such beautiful neck,” I commented on the truth.

He chuckles. It’s an honest one. “Want to ‘rape’ it?” he asked. Oh… this guy has a nice sense of humor.

I only smile. “Can I lick it?” I asked playfully.

He closes his book the moment I asked and he brought his face closer to me. Isn’t he good-looking? Or maybe because I’m looking at him upside down that I think so… But I really love that neck… He is now giving me an intimidating look… like he is challenging me. For what? “No,” he answered. “You can’t.” But he continues to look at me. And I keep looking at him without a care in this world. “But I can…” He added and quickly, quite fiercely, he licks my neck.

The tingling feeling… I close my eyes, savoring the taste of his cold tongue on my skin. It sends shivers down my spine. Something I hardly ever felt before. And I open my eyes when he stops. I look at him. “How does it taste like?” I asked. Do I feel weird about him doing that? No. What’s so weird about it? Maybe he loves my neck too. So I don’t care, really.

He smiles. Wow… a charmer. But then again… must be because I’m watching him from upside down… Hmmph… “Taste so good makes me wanna rape you before I kill you,” he answered. A threat, is it? Am I threatened? Silly question… Of course not…

I smile back at him. “Hmmm,” I tilted my head a little. “I’ll be waiting, CJ,” I said and I bring myself up to my bed, lying down on the hard mattress, looking up at the ceiling of the cell, feeling slightly dizzy from the blood rushing to my brain for hanging myself upside down for too long like that, smiling insanely to myself… Yes, kill me, CJ. Please do… Life is too tiring. I want to see what hell is like… I can’t wait… It must be worthy to be killed by someone like you…