I had that sinking feeling all night. I kept tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. My mind was racing and I kept coming back to that moment. The smile on Luca's face. He was happy. Maybe too happy. And I hated it.

"Can't sleep?" Rose asked as I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water.

"I'm spiraling again and I'm scared," I replied.

"Is it about work or the fact that you recently saw Luca?"

Way to beat around the bush Rose.

"Maybe I'm just tired of living," I said under my breath.

"So you'll let some pathetic idiot keep ruining your life?" Rose asked, "I am sorry that your past is painful Rie, but moving on is something only you can do."

"I guess so."

"How was work?" She asked, taking a seat beside me on the couch.

"Okay," I replied.

"Any memorable moments?"

"Yeah, I ate lunch with the chef today and it was fine," I replied.

"How is he like?"

"Tall, tough on the outside but really kind."

"Hmm, just your type."

"What do you mean just my type?" I shot back.

"I've known you for a long while Rie, he sounds like your type," Rose said, smiling. "Maybe it is time you moved on?"

"There's no point starting anything," I said sighing. "I leave in a few weeks anyway."

"That does not mean you cannot find happiness. Even for a while. Who knows, you might choose to stay."

"No Rose, I need to leave. So many painful memories fill this town besides, someone else is interested in him."

"And that should stop you?" She scoffed. "The question is, are you interested? Is he interested in her?"

"I cannot tell, not just yet."

"How about the guy in the metro? He gave you his phone number, no? You could text him."

"You did notice that I am not his type, right?"

"There you go again with the social stereotypes," Rose said, exhausted. "I am heading to bed."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Don't be so hard on yourself Rie. Besides being a strong black woman, you are the kindest and sweetest person I know."

I rolled my eyes after she said that, but it didn't stop her from finishing her speech.

"Anyone will be happy to know you. Luca, he was just a bump on the road and you have come this far. Go for what you want. Don't let fear stop you." She yawned and walked into her bedroom.

Fear. Was I afraid or just conscious of how the world works?

I returned to my room and turned on my computer, ready to write on my blog.

Triggers of Self-hate

I stared at my screen for a while and took in a deep breath before I continued.