The next morning before breakfast, I took out a piece of paper from a drawer in my desk and a pen. I sat at the desk, the pen tip hovering above the paper. I don't really know how to put all my thoughts on paper or even introduce the topic.

Hey Sarah,

I'm gay. I should get that out of the way.

No, that's too outward of me. I know it shouldn't be too formal, but having "Hey" seems like I don't care. Also it rhymes, which makes it sound stupid, and it's just crap overall. I crumple it up and shove it onto my pocket. I take out another fresh sheet.

Dear Sarah,

I have a secret to tell you, since I trust you with it: I'm gay, and I've had this feeling for a really long time...

Maybe I don't need a full-blown letter. I think I just need a quick note and Sarah will understand. I look around my room as if that'll give me inspiration, and I spot a small piece of paper pinned to a cork board.

"Earnest, you have to go to school!" my mom calls from downstairs. I guess I won't be writing anything today, but I'll try to write something in school.

I take my backpack and sling it over my shoulder, trying to make it out of the house as quickly as I can.

"You didn't come down to eat breakfast," Rain says.

"Like you would care," I reply, grabbing the doorknob of the front door.

"Were you looking at the yearbook again?" she asks loudly so my mom could hear from the sink.

"What? No!" I tell her, walking out the door.

I make it to school quickly, pulling out a pack of sticky notes along with a blue pen before I walk inside. Before Sarah comes, I quickly write something on the post-it and slip it in the vent holes of her locker.

Dear Sarah,

I don't want you to make a big deal out of this, but it's something that I really wanted to get off my chest. I'm gay. I'm trusting you with this secret. I'm running out of space, so I'll tell you more after you read this. 

Your friend, Earnest.

I loiter by her locker for a little while, and I see Sarah walk through the doorway. Sarah sees me by her locker, and when she comes over, she's confused since I don't usually do that.

"There's a note in your locker." I say.

"Oh?" Sarah asks. "From who?"

"M-me..." I shudder, really nervous for what she'll think about it.

She opens her locker, the metal squeaking on the hinges. The neon green piece of paper is sitting there like a bright lightbulb. She picks it up, he eyes moving across the small piece of paper as she's reading it.

"I mean, it's not—"

"To be honest," Sarah said, interrupting me and looking up. "I kinda knew already. I just never brought it up."

"Huh?" I ask, embarrassed. "How did you... know?"

Sarah thinks. "I dunno. I just remember that in middle school you would go to a sports event for a specific person, who was always a boy. I would come along and you wouldn't cheer or anything like that. You would just stare at the person you went there for. Sometimes one of them would pat your shoulder or something like that to thank you, and you would get red after that. I thought you just didn't want the attention, but it makes sense now."

"I'm glad you understand," I say, letting out a soft sigh of relief.

"Of course. I wouldn't hate you or anything," she replied, a blank look on her face. It kind of seems like she doesn't know what to say, but I'm not going to criticize her for that, now that she holds my secret.

. . .

When I get home, I pass by Rain's room to mine at the end of the hall. Her door is closed, with purple crayon writing saying Stay out Earnest! from a few years ago. I pretty much ignore that message nowadays since she doesn't care.

I walk into my own room and shut the door. It feels nice now that someone I can trust knows about the secret. I pull out the yearbook again from a disorganized bookshelf in my room. I open it to the page I always remember: 57. It has Alexander on it, and I love it. The cheerleaders are right on the page next to his photo, so I have to be careful when Rain comes in.

It's too bad Alexander went to a different high school than I did when we graduated, and I could never see him again. But nobody else from my school really came, either. He went to this fancy private high school where everyone plays a sport. But now, that school is going bankrupt, so I don't know where he's going to go.

He has a social media account, and he posts pretty often. He's posted pictures of him with his girlfriend, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's straight. Sometimes you just need to meet a really nice person to like them. If he doesn't come to my school, I'm not going to try to force anything on him or myself.

"Lookin' at the cheerleaders, eh?" Rain says, standing right behind me.

I jump, startled by her sudden voice. I close the book with a slam. "What the hell, Rain!" I shout. She crept in so quietly.

"Wish you were with them?" she asks.

"No, and how did you get into my room so quietly?"

"I walked in, and the rug mutes my footsteps. And you're changing the subject!"

"I hate these girls. They made fun of me all the time," I say.

"Sometimes love comes from hate," Rain replies. "Well I just want you to know that I have a boyfriend now."

I sit up in my seat, surprised by the news. "What?"

She giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. "Yeah, he's a sophomore. I met him at a game last week, and we exchanged phone numbers."

"That doesn't necessarily mean you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend," I point out to her before she gets her hopes too high. Rain's the type of person who can't deal with heartbreak. One time when she was in sixth grade she had a crush on a boy, and when she found out he liked someone else, she locked herself in her room for the rest of the day. She wasn't fine the next morning either and cried, refusing to go to school. I don't know what happened after that.

"Yeah, I know, but it seems real enough. He's a swimmer. Really tall and muscular."

I roll my eyes and ask, "What's his name?"

"Chester. Kinda weird, but he likes it when I call him chestnut."

I cringe and tell her to get out of my room. My sister is always ahead of me in things like this, and I don't like it. I'm not jealous, but I just wish I was in her position.

"God, Alexander, I wish I was with you," I say to myself, opening the book again.

"What was that?" Rain asks, peeking through the door.

I spring up from my chair. "What?! Why are you still here?"

"Who's Alexander?"

"Get out!" I shout, shutting and locking the door.

"Are you old friends or something?" she says, the door between us muffling her voice.

"I can't hear you!" I reply.

"Shut up."

I press my ear against the door, and hear her footsteps. She's walking away. That was a close save.