Lizzy

When my eyes finally flickered open, I saw two doctors, or nurses, I wasn’t really sure. They were both watching me. While others were rushing around and speaking words that I didn't really understand. Their words were fading in and out of the background, yet, nine words kept ringing in my ears, “Lizzy, you have been unconscious for about fourty minutes now.”

I listened but didn't say a word. My eyes flickered down and I spotted bandages on my wrists. More words made their way through to my ears, “Lizzy, you have been involved in a suicide attempt. Lizzy, you have a mental health disorder called ‘multiple personality disorder’. This disorder can have different degrees, and can cause your mind to give you false illusions of people, or other figments of your imagination such as relationships, scenarios amongst other things. This is something you have been living with most of your life according to your records, do you recall being told this by your family doctor?” they paused, “It can be triggered by emotional trauma, and according to your records, as a child when your father passed away…”

The doctor’s words faded out completely.

Memories of my mother flooded my subconscious, She was always sick , always seeing angels and demons, always hurting me because she thought I was one. As a child that terrified me. I used to hide to try to escape her beatings.

Memories of my father, him taking me to Greece on holidays and playing with me at the beach when I was little, trying to give me some happy memories after my mother took her own life. And then memories of him giving me up for adoption because he couldn’t look after me on his own. Memories of me cutting myself and being ill. I lay there soaking in all this information I had probably been told many times before, though had pushed away because I didn’t want to accept it as the truth.

I could hear Katties voice, flooding through my dreams, She was shaking me and yelling, “How could you do this? What is wrong with you! I watched her do it all,” she told the doctor, as she dropped her grip on me. I heard her turn her words toward me, “How could you hurt yourself like this? How could you let me watch?”

“I watched as the razor slid over your wrists, one by one. Each cut drew so much blood. I watched your body quiver in pain. I watched as the open wounds fell apart. Your blood …” she paused. “Your blood was so thick and red.” She broke down in tears, I could hear sobs, as I finally opened my eyes to face my condition.

The doctor spoke, “I take it you are close with the patient?” he asked Kattie.

To my surprise, she said, “No, not really. We are acquaintances. I don't know her very well. We started to become work friends until I realized that she had a lot of issues. Everyone at work knows. It’s kind of an introduction you get when you start work at Kerry’s Cafe. She has this history of blackouts, stalking co-workers and such. The boss, Kerry, keeps her around because she feels bad for the girl. She has had a hard life, was brought up in foster care, I heard.

“The condition of her working there, was that she took her meds, which she obviously hasn’t. I had just started working with her at the cafe, just near here. She kind of attached herself to me. She called me through Skype today to discuss rosters and then,” she looked down, “I witnessed the whole thing.”

With that, Kattie walked out of the area, in which they were holding me hostage. Beyond confused, I shook my head and looked at my ankle, where there was in fact no evidence of my tattoo ever being there. I shut my eyes as more memories started streaming in, and I was once again that girl running, seeing things so clearly, looking back and then forward to see the ground beneath my feet, the wind in my hair.

And just as it had all started, I was suddenly jerked back, constrained. The doctor came back into my line of vision and he was restraining me as were the other nurses.

“You are a fucking psycho!” yelled Kattie. I looked around to see all my tubes on the ground and blood on my bed as if they had been torn from my body. Suddenly, it became clear to me that I had done this to myself, and as a result I was being put into a straight jacket and constrained. I pulled and tried as hard as I could to free myself, but with no luck. I was then dragged away to somewhere much more sterile looking than the place I just was.

“Look at that poor girl. She is so sick and has no idea that she will probably have to spend the next few years doped up in here,” a nurse said to another nurse. “She was out of control yesterday, but as long as we keep her on her daily dose, she should start to improve.”

“She obviously can't be trusted to stay on her medication without a carer, so I’d say she will be here for the indefinite future, unless someone comes forward to take her on,” the other nurse said.

The two of them observed as the almost lifeless body of Lizzy Taylor sat there, unattached from the world and shaking ever so slightly. Her hair in a mess of knots, and her skin stained from tears. Her eyes, cool and detached. Yet, there was a world of things going on in her head. Her head then dropped and stayed that way, looking at her lap.

Drifting through the town of Castle Lake, I look around curiously, observing people, observing my surroundings. Looking into the eyes of those walking past. Those who made eye contact, I felt as if I could have had a connection with them. Maybe a new friend, a lover, a brother or sister.

I felt a sense of calm and serenity in this place. I felt right at home. I knew I could set roots here.

“Jemimah…” A familiar voice called...

The nurses suddenly become alert to Lizzy’s eyes once again, her head snapping back up to face them, her eyes more alive than ever before. Her thoughts once again, so real to her. Could they contain her? Only time would tell.