Paul

Sarah is lying next to Paul. They were watching a show on his computer, but they paused it nearly half an hour ago because it was getting in the way of their conversation. They are talking about everything. Paul knows that he has been spending a lot of time with Ben lately, and he doesn’t remember the last time it had been just Sarah and him.

“You know what I’m really annoyed at?” she asks.

“No.” Paul doesn’t elaborate. Sarah is ‘really annoyed’ at five different things each day. He knows that her question was rhetorical: she will tell him what she means anyway.

“I found out why I hate that picture of you.”

Paul doesn’t ask her which picture she means. He knows that regardless of how many pictures he takes, for a long time when someone will refer to a picture without giving him more context, it will be the one that went viral. “I really don’t understand what you would dislike about that picture,” Paul sarcastically replies.

“I know it was awful for you, and that I really can’t make it about me, but I feel like it stole a moment from me too. You coming out to me. You know what I mean?”

“Of course I do. It’s one of the reasons I’m still so bitter about it. That guy stole my moments with everyone. Even coming out to my parents wasn’t really on my terms. I know there will be other coming outs, that I am basically going to spend my life having to come out to people over and over, but… it’s not the same. That was the real one. The one I was supposed to be ready for. I was supposed to be able to tell my family and friends on my terms. Instead, I got this.”

Sarah nods, and they get quiet for a moment. Then she smirks – which is never a good sign – and asks, “Talking about being ready… how steamy are things with Ben?”

Paul can feel his entire face heating up. “Well… things are definitely steamy, but they aren’t… sexual… per se.”

“Per se? Since when are you using Latin?”

“Since I’ve got a smart boyfriend.”

Sarah smiles at him. “So… is it love?”

“It is,” Paul confirms. There is a bit of defiance in his voice. As if he is challenging her to make fun of him for it.

“I don’t even find it barf-inducing,” Sarah comments, and Paul knows that it is her way of saying that she supports his relationship.

“Is it scary?” she asks, and her voice is barely a murmur.

“What?”

“Sex.”

“I told you. We’re not having sex yet.”

“Yeah, but… if you’re in a relationship, it’s always there somewhere. Even if it’s not happening.”

“In a way, it’s really not. Scary, I mean. Because it’s Ben, and I feel really safe when I’m with him. And we talked about it, we both want to take things slow. But on the other hand, it’s very freaking terrifying. Letting myself get that vulnerable in front of another person. And not just anyone; the person whose opinion of me matters the most to me right now. Also… there is the technical side of things that both seems straightforward and so obscure. I kind of resent heterosexual people to be brought up in an environment that teaches them all about sex without them having to research anything.”

“School should do something about it,” Sarah agrees. “Cater their sex-ed to everyone. Not just telling us that sex brings diseases and showing us how to put a condom on a banana.”

Paul laughs. He remembers Leo’s face during that class. He would suffer that terrible hour again just for that mix of horror and cringe on his oldest friend’s face.

“I actually can top that assembly,” Paul says.

Sarah looks at him as if she was really doubtful.

“Our moms gave us the sex talk.”

“Your moms? Plural?”

“Yep.”

“How awful was it?”

“Massively so. It was cliché, with just enough twist to make it unpredictable, uncomfortable and uninformative.”

“Uninformative?”

“Yes, you know… nothing we haven’t been told in school already. They even included a part telling us that ‘sex should be fun’, and I really don’t want to discuss that side of sex with my mom. Or Ben’s. Plus, the fact that they made it a group thing… I wouldn’t have blamed Ben for breaking up with me there and then.”

Sarah’s eyes go soft and Paul can’t help thinking that it is not something he usually sees.

“That boy is not going to break up with you. I can’t even believe how perfect you look for each other.”

Paul reaches for Sarah’s hand and squeezes it. For a second, it’s like they understand each other effortlessly.

“Paul?”

“Yeah?”

“I have something to ask you.”

“Sure.”

“My dad… My dad was supposed to take me to his new house for the weekend.” Sarah doesn’t talk much about her father since he left for a girl not even in her twenties. Paul didn’t even know they were in contact. “I thought I should give him a chance, you know. Accept that he’s a regular person, with flaws, and that his thing with my mom doesn’t have to be his thing with me.”

“That sounds healthy.”

“Yeah, well. It was a shitty idea. Because he texted to cancel this morning. He’s taking his girlfriend to Savannah. Actually, he said ‘to the beach’. So, I’m just guessing, really.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah.”

She shrugs, but Paul can see on her face that she’s really upset about it. “Yeah, well. One day I’ll learn to stop caring.” Paul squeezes her hand again. “I didn’t tell my mom. I can’t. She looked so relieved that he would still put me first, and… I don’t want to put her through that as well as all the rest… Could I sleep here Saturday night?”

“I’ll ask my mom, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it!”

Paul’s mother is fine with Sarah staying over. But as the week progresses, Paul sees Sarah getting grumpier and moodier. He wouldn’t mind spending the weekend with Sarah even if she turned into an insufferable witch, because he wants to be there for her, but he doesn’t want to let her spiral, and he doesn’t think that he would be enough of a distraction.

He mentions to her the possibility of inviting other people. Sarah isn’t really open to the idea at first but Paul promises that it wouldn’t be a party. Just friends getting together. They could even call it a board game night. Nothing crazy about that. Just nerdy. Like it used to be.

They agree on inviting the lunch table and everyone agrees to join the ‘impromptu game night’.

It’s too many people to stay at Paul’s, so Leo offers his basement. They can all camp there, in sleeping bags. Paul loves that idea. Like if he can still do things like that, then he can hold on to childhood a while longer.

Paul doesn’t tell anyone the real reason for the evening, not even Ben, and he is certain that Sarah didn’t either. It’s for the best. Sarah wouldn’t let people distract her if they tried on purpose. She is annoyingly proud like that.

But since the evening is no longer about her, Paul sees Sarah letting go, he sees the clouds on her face disappear, and that relaxes him as well. He knows how the whole situation with her father has been weighing on her, and how much she hates talking about it. The fact that she would not only tell him but also let go feels like an epic win for Paul.

Also, it’s nice to spend time out of school with both Ben and his friends. He is usually doing one or the other, so it is a welcome change.

Ben is different than he used to be. He is still quiet, but he isn’t silent anymore. He still observes more than he participates, but he is no longer in Max’s shadow. Paul used to think that Max just liked the spotlight. Now, however, he is pretty sure that Max was trying to get the attention off Ben to protect him, to let him be the shy kid. No one was surprised if Ben was asked something and Max answered for him. Since Ben came out, Max doesn’t do that anymore.

They still exchange looks that Paul can’t read. He is not jealous of that. He is so happy for Ben that he has a friend that close.

Paul is also grateful that he always got along well with Max. As if he got the ‘Best Friend Stamp of Approval’ as he called it once. The truth is, in any other context, Max probably wouldn’t care that much about Paul. They get on, but they don’t have much in common. But Max is Ben’s best friend, in the truest sense of the word, and if Ben fell in love with a chair, it probably would become Max’s favorite chair.

Paul really hopes that Max gives him more credit than he would a chair, though.

After Sarah destroyed them at Monopoly, Uno, and poker – but lost at every other game: Leo would never let her win on purpose – It’s time for bed. The setting up is a joyful chaos. They all get changed one by one, and Leo’s parents seem almost unaware of the swarm of teenagers raiding their bathrooms.

As they are waiting for their turn, Ben is taking his nightclothes out of his bag, including a black t-shirt with a red line one it that Paul recognizes immediately.

“Isn’t that the t-shirt you were wearing the day of the play?” It seemed less cheesy than ‘for our first kiss’.

“Yeah.” Ben seems pensive for a moment. “There is a bit of a story with this shirt.”

“Oh?”

“The first thing is that I found it. When I unpacked after moving here, I found this t-shirt in one of the boxes and neither I nor my mother could remember where it came from. It was like it just materialized. I didn’t think much of it, but when I had to go to that new school for the first time, I chose to wear it. As if this magically appeared t-shirt could bring me luck.”

“Did it?”

Ben half shrugs and slightly blushes. “I met you that day.” This is ridiculously cute. Ben takes a deep breath and says, almost too fast, as if he was afraid that Paul would make fun of him. “I was wearing it the night we got to talk at the party, too. After that, I was pretty much convinced that is was my new lucky charm. Which is ridiculous because I am not superstitious. Still… I wore it for the play. I knew Louie had asked you out, and I just… I don’t know. I guess I hoped that something would happen and that you wouldn’t go out with him.”

“Something did happen.”

Ben smiles. “Yes. Something much greater than I even hoped for.”

The two of them look at each other and Paul leans in for a sift kiss. “Why do you have it tonight?”

“I don’t know. I sleep with it sometimes. It just makes me think of you.”

“Can I sleep in it tonight?”

Ben looks surprised. “Why?”

“It’s a magic shirt. And it’s yours. And I want you to have another reason to think of me when you see that shirt. And I find it cute when couples swap clothes. And…”

Ben laughs and hands him the shirt. “Fine. No need for a list. Take the magic shirt.”

“Did you ever found out where the t-shirt came from?” Paul asks.

“Yes, it was…”

“No, wait… Don’t tell me. I prefer the story with the magic shirt.” Ben smiles and doesn’t finish his sentence.

“You know what? Keep the magic shirt.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It sort of makes sense. Plus, I already got the boy. What more luck do I need?”

Paul loves that idea. Not only does he own something of Ben’s, he also owns a magic shirt that brought them together (yes, sure, he knows this is just a ridiculous way to look at things, but still).

When Paul returns wearing the t-shirt, he sees a bit of pride in Ben’s eyes and he loves that feeling.

Then everyone puts their sleeping bags all over the basement. Leo and Amy get cozy by the coach, and Sarah makes them promise not to do anything handsy. Max adds ‘or tonguey’, before telling Ben that it applies to him too. Ben doesn’t even reward him with an answer.

Ben and Paul settle in a corner of the room. When Paul looks at Sarah to make sure she’s fine with that and she doesn’t want him to sleep closer to her, he is surprised to see that Max and Sarah have installed their sleeping bags right next to each other’s. It absolutely doesn’t seem romantic, it just looks like friends bonding, but it is still an odd pairing. Sarah seems to be having fun though, and it’s all Paul can ask for.

Well… that and spending time with Ben. And he’s getting both.

Ben and Paul lie down facing each other and intertwine their hands between their heads. Ben smiles, more with his eyes than with his mouth, and Paul’s heart feels like it’s glowing.

“Do you realize,” Ben whispers softly enough that only Paul could hear him, “that’s it’s the first time we are going to spend the night together?”

Paul smiles back. “I’m sorry if it’s not how you pictured it.”

“It’s perfect.”

Paul slides closer to Ben and bushes his lips against his. It’s not even a kiss, because that would be a slippery slope with their friends in the room, but it somehow feels even more intimate.

“I’m looking forward to waking up with you,” Paul confesses.

“I’m not even thinking that far,” Ben admits. “I’m just looking forward to falling asleep with you.”

Paul knows that they are soppy, but he doesn’t care. He’s never been happier in his life than he is now, and that’s because of his soppy boyfriend and their soppy relationship.

They fall asleep spooning and that’s the most comfortable and relaxed Paul felt in ages. Usually, falling asleep is a battle. His brain goes all over the place, bouncing from idea to idea like a pinball. Tonight, however, in Ben’s arms, everything simply feels quiet. Like his thoughts are in order.

Paul wakes up in Ben’s arms, all cuddle up against his torso. He rubs his forehead and nose against his boyfriend’s chest, trying to get even closer. Almost immediately, Ben’s fingers move up to rub his neck and scalp. It’s so nice Paul could purr.

Paul slumbers for a few more minutes, then Ben whispers “Paul, Love, should we get up?” Ben’s chest vibrates when he speaks, and Paul finds it both relaxing and sexy.

Ben is warm and soft. Paul really, really doesn’t want to let go of him. Not just yet. “Is anyone up already?”

He feels Ben push himself up, and then lie down again. “Not yet.”

“Let’s make a deal, then. We’ll get up when someone else does.” And he puts his arms back around his boyfriend.

Ben apparently doesn’t have any objection because he wraps his arms around Paul too.

None of them goes back to sleep though, they just enjoy each other’s presence. Paul traces Ben’s features with his fingers. He knows his boyfriend is beautiful, but it’s even more striking in the early morning light. From time to time, they let their lips brush, having almost-kisses like the previous night.

Until they hear Leo yawn and stretch. It’s fine, though. Paul is awake and ready to let go of Ben now.