Ben

Ben wakes up absolutely content. There is Paul’s warm body against him, still breathing deeply and evenly, and the memories of their night together. He shifts slowly to be able to look at Paul’s face, and there is this feeling in his chest that seems to take all the room. Will that ever go away? Is he ever going to be used to Paul?

He really hopes not.

Ben thinks back at all those lunches he used to look at Paul and hoped that he could be with him someday, knowing that it was nothing more than daydreaming. And here they are.

Memories of last night come rushing in his mind. Paul’s nervousness and how it faded away enough for Paul to be the one to be touching first. The sounds he was muffling but that Ben could hear anyway. And, the face he made when he came. They could break up today and Ben would still remember that face until the day he dies.

Paul’s breathing gets a little more irregular and Ben knows he’s about to wake up. He put his lips on Paul and, soon enough, the other boy is kissing him back.

“Good morning,” Ben whispers.

“Morning Babe.”

“Do you want to get breakfast?”

“Not really.”

Fine. Morning make-out session it is, then.

After breakfast, Ben takes Paul for a walk through Savannah. The old town is absolutely charming and Ben realizes that he misses it. He likes Atlanta, and he likes the friends he made there. He loves that he found Paul. But he also enjoys the charm of a smaller, less dense city.

Paul seems to like it, and it is quite a romantic décor for a day out as a couple. But they don’t touch. They don’t hold hands. They haven’t done that in public since their encounter with those boys in Atlanta. They simply walk really close to each other.

After a couple of hours walking around and Ben telling Paul some of his childhood memories as they pass the places they happened, they decide to stop for lunch.

“Babe… you know that thing your dad said yesterday?” Paul asks as they sit down. He looks serious, almost sad.

Ben’s father said a lot of things yesterday, but Ben knows exactly what Paul is talking about. “I told you to ignore him.”

“I know, and I know he was joking, but… we never really discussed religion that much. And… I don’t know… it’s not a big factor in my life. At all. So it’s easy to forget about it, sometimes. I just feel like I should have talked to you about it. I don’t really know how religious you are. Or if that joke your dad made has any truth in it.”

Ben is touched that Paul takes this so seriously. He might also be the first person to have ever asked Ben to put words on his faith. “Okay, first of all, no one is expecting you to convert to anything. Nor wants you to. I told you, I’m not even Jewish technically, because it’s a matrilineal religion, and my mother is Methodist. And before you ask, nobody is expecting you to convert to that either. To be Jewish, I would have to convert.”

“Is that something you would like to do?”

Ben takes a moment to think about it. “I don’t think so. I like the spirituality. Of both my parents’ religions. I also like the tradition. When we celebrate Hanukkah with my dad, I like being a part of this intense, rich culture and history. But I also feel like that when I celebrate Christmas with my mother.”

“Does it bother you that I’m not religious?”

“No, it doesn’t. You are not religious, but you are a kind, caring person. There is some spirituality in that.”

Paul smiles and he genuinely looks a bit happier. “I’m sure there is more than that.”

“There is. And look… if one day you want to convert, we can talk about it. But I never believed in converting for a relationship. It should come from you because you found faith, not because you want to please me, or my family. Or because my Dad made a joke. Plus, again, I’m not even technically Jewish.”

Paul nods. “Does that bother your dad? That his children don’t share his religion.”

Isn’t that the million dollars question? “My father married my mother even when he knew she wasn’t going to convert, and he still taught me tradition, so I think he’s fine with it. But Stacey is Jewish, so the baby will be too.”

“And that bothers you.”

It’s not a question. Paul is probably better at reading Ben than Ben thought. “It doesn’t bother me exactly. It’s more that… I don’t know. We barely see each other, he is building this entirely new family, and I’m not sure where I fit in all of this.”

“He still loves you.”

“I know he does. But we already barely see each other now. I’m afraid that he’s going to be caught up in baby things whilst I’m busy at college, and we’ll develop one of these relationships where you only see each other once a year, and you just have polite conversations.”

“Then don’t let that happen. I have two sisters. I can assure you, there is room in your dad’s life for more than one child. And your stepmom… I don’t think you like her very much, but I don’t think she’s trying to build that family without you.”

“I know she’s not. I don’t dislike Stacey, I just… I want to make this easy for my mom. She kept my dad’s last name after the divorce, and I never asked, but there is this chance that he left her for Stacey, and… I don’t know, sometimes it’s hard to bond with her. I know that none of it has to do with who she is, it’s just… poor circumstances.”

Paul takes Ben’s hand, and Ben squeezes it hard. It feels like having an ally. Someone who truly understands him. It feels incredible.

A waiter arrives and they break contact. But the waiter has a nice smile on his face. He even calls them lovebirds, and there is nothing mocking or sarcastic about it. For most people, it would be a detail, but it makes Ben happy. He notices that Paul’s smiling too.

When they get back to the house, it’s nearly time to get ready Stacey’s big family thing. It’s not formal, really, but there will be a lot of people and Stacey’s family is a bit posh, so Ben wants to make an effort. It’s also his first family event with Paul. Or with a boyfriend. Or as gay.

Paul is in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, and Ben has just finished getting ready. He walks to the living room where Stacey is reading.

“Hi, Ben. Your father is getting dressed.”

Ben hates this interaction. He doesn’t know if she said that because she doesn’t want to spend time with him, or because she thinks that he’s the one uncomfortable. Which, truthfully, he might be. Either way, the awkwardness is there, nearly palpable between them.

“And Paul should be ready soon,” Ben replies.

“He’s nice,” she says but the sentence could either be heartfelt or generic. Again, Ben doesn’t know where she stands. It’s very frustrating.

“He is,” he agrees.

She seems about to say something, but then doesn’t, and they just wait in silence for Paul and Ben’s dad to be ready. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, Ben doesn’t mind silence, but it’s not comfortable either. It doesn’t feel like a chosen quiet like he can have with Paul, his mom, or even Max.

The family reunion takes place in a room that Stacey’s mom rented from her local synagogue. They usually take place at her house, but this time the Carters are also invited, so it’s more convenient this way.

When they arrive, he can see that Paul is nervous. Ben squeezes his fingers as they are leaving the car and asks: “Only for me?”

The callback to their catchphrase makes Paul smiles. “You know it.”

They get in and there are two long tables set for the dinner, but also space for people to mingle. Ben can’t help but think that it looks like the setting of a cheap wedding reception.

That’s when he sees his grandmother a few feet away. He has been avoiding her calls lately, pretending he was busy with school because he didn’t know how to tell her about Paul. He obviously can’t change the past, so there’s no time like the present.

“Hi, Grandma.”

“Benjamin!”

Ben told her a million times that he prefers Ben, but she usually ignores him. She is both strong-willed and traditional.

Maybe he should have come out to her before, or asked his father to talk to her, instead of showing up to a family event with a boyfriend. If this doesn’t go well, it wouldn’t be fair on her, Paul, his father, and even Stacey.

“Grandma, this is Paul. He’s… he’s my boyfriend.” Ben hates that he stuttered.

“One word, or two?”

“Sorry?”

“I’m asking you if he’s your friend for school and a boy, which I could have noticed without you, or if you brought him to a family event because you are courting him.”

Ben isn’t sure if courting is the word he would use to describe his relationship with Paul, but he says: “One word. We are a couple.”

And his heart beats a bit louder. Ben has always gotten along with his grandmother. She is a smart, fierce, educated woman whose opinion he always valued. But this is a turning point. Like every time he came out or will come out. She can love him anyway, or reject him for something that would never even concern her.

But she smiles faintly and nods. She doesn’t seem happy or unhappy about it. It’s more like she’s acknowledging the information.

“Annie Carter,” she says, handing out a hand to Paul.

“Paul,” he replies, shaking her hand.

“You look intelligent, Paul. Are you intelligent?”

“Uhm. I think so? Then again, most people think they are intelligent.”

“And that’s an intelligent answer. I like you.” She turns to Ben. “I like him.” Then she glares at Ben. “Why are you making that face?”

“I don’t know, I thought…”

“That you were the first homosexual I ever met? I’m sorry to disappoint you, Honey, but I’ve lived a long life before you were even conceived, and I have a television. Plus, gays are like couches. Every family has one.”

Out of all the things she could have said, this is not something Ben would have anticipated.

“Well, at least it doesn’t matter that he a goy. Oh, your aunt is here. I’ll go say hello. Ben, try to sit next to me at dinner, you’re the least boring in this family. Paul, I am counting on you to take care of him.”

“Yes Ma’am.” As she walks away, Paul shifts closer to Ben and whispers: “Did your grandma compare us to pieces of furniture?”

“I… believe so. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve been called worse.”

Ben looks at Paul and his soft smile. He really wants to kiss him right now. So he does. A fleeting kiss, softer than the wings of a butterfly, quicker than those of a hummingbird. It’s enough to make Ben happy and Paul blush.

“And… hum… what’s that line about it being okay for me not to be Jewish?”

“If I’m gay, it doesn’t matter the religion of my partner, even if we have kids.”

“Because Judaism is matrilineal,” Paul recalls.

“Exactly. So even if you were Jewish, it wouldn’t mean our children would be.”

“That’s something you would want?”

“Jewish children?”

“Yeah. Or, you know… just children.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. I mean, I have, I guess, just… not seriously. I’m gay, I’m in high school, until recently I was single… Why, is it something you want?”

“I think so. I don’t know. I come from a happy white picket fence family. It’s a pattern that’s pretty engraved in my mind.”

Ben can’t help but smile at this lovely boy who sees family as a possibility before seeing all the obstacles that might come their way.