Raine

It still astounds me that Jo'lanae actually wants me to dance. That Nebula is going to have dance moves. That, in addition to captivating the crowd with my gaze, I'll be trying to wow them with my body.

The dance instructor, Binta, starts off by showing me a small routine. It's not something I have to dance, just her way of proving she has the talent to teach, I guess. Or… maybe she's trying to get me excited. In any case, I applaud like I'm impressed.

"Let me see what kind of rhythm I'm working with," she says, swaying her head to the electronic dance music blasting from the speakers.

For the first time in my life, I wish I could dance. Because as is, I'm about to thoroughly embarrass myself. Because I don't want to be that difficult vich anymore or a control freak.

With a deep breath, I start to bend my knees in sync with the beat. Lifting my arms, I twirl my hands back and forth. Honestly, I've only seen toddlers dance like this but I can't do any better. My reflection is hard to look at, so I glance at Binta instead.

Oh my sun. She looks horrified.

As I drop my arms to my sides and contemplate my existence, Binta turns off the music with her remote.

"Okay, so, you gravitate towards fluidity."

I don't know what that means but if she says so, it must be true.

"That was just a warm up. I'm going to put on one of Nebula's older songs and I want you to perform it for me like you usually would, with your whole body."

I hold an invisible microphone and she stops me.

"You'd be wearing a headset so no need." She starts the song back over, ignoring my shell-shocked gaze.

Just. Like. A pop idol. Suck it up, Raine. Suck it up.

I shake out my hands, not really knowing what to do with them without a mic to hold onto.

Lip-syncing the first verse, I find myself lifting my hands to my chest and tapping the heel of my foot to the beat. My hand goes for the mic before I recall there is none and will be none. I reach out towards the hypothetical audience instead.

"Make use of the stage," Binta calls from the side.

I walk to one side of the imaginary stage then gaze out at the crowd.

"Okay. Stop." Binta pauses the music. "Imagine how much more engaging you can be by making use of your body. Watch me."

She positions herself, crouching down on the floor with one knee on the boards and the other bent, foot flat. When the song begins again, she pivots so her legs switch positions. Then she slowly stands up, sticking out her butt on the way and doing a body roll. Next, she struts to the other side of the room, footsteps on beat while she runs her hand through her hair.

"Try that."

Wow. She seriously wants me to shake my ass. Jo'lanae, Jo'lanae. Jo'lanae. I clench my teeth. Suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up.

"Is there a way to do it less feminine?"

Binta blinks, arms folded. "I'm sorry… I heard you were x-gender."

"I am," I reply. 

But I don't get what she means. Through time, x-gender people have presented in all kinds of ways, had various gender identities, and have even come in various shapes. The most famous x-gender Malonian was Queen Inara whose statues show her with breasts and the womb of a Malonian male. But she was represented with female symbols. Meanwhile, one of the first Laeetuni presidents was x-gender but had a flat chest and went by he/him pronouns all his life. Being x-gender doesn't mean you have to have a certain body or presentation. I'm aware of my androgyny but there's a reason my pronouns are he/they, not she/they.

"Jo'lanae said part of your appeal is how you border in between sexes. Do you find that offensive?" Her expression looks genuinely worried.

"No…" I mumble. "I just…" I'm not sure what it is. Not until I picture myself moving like Binta did and suddenly recall my Shillan peers staring at me because they didn't know where to group me. How the straight boys sneered at my waist like I was a sinful temptation. How the girls stared at me in disgust when I sat with my legs open.

But when they couldn't box me in, I made myself my own. I grew out my hair, gave the straight girls knee-weakening glances, started sitting with my legs crossed, and started swearing. And the Shillans were so flabbergasted and confused that they finally left me alone.

I step up to the spot where Binta began and crouch down. I'll make this my own too.

When I do the moves Binta did, I bend my body the opposite way. I roll my neck forward and when I stand up, I arch my back like I'm half asleep. Instead of rolling, I bend my back the other way, as if a string pulls me to the other side of the stage by my chest. And of course, as I walk to the beat, I run my hand through my hair.

Through the mirror, I watch Binta nod. 

"Y-y-you just made that your own. And it was very sexy." She snaps out of her stupor. "Okay. Okay. I see you now." She marches over to the start point on the imaginary stage then plays the music from her remote. And she does exactly what I did, but more polished. On two beats, she lifts one shoulder then the other. "This would've been your hips." She struts over to the other side, lifting her arm and twirling her hands like I did during my toddler dance, but it's an arch and way more graceful.

On her cue, I follow her lead as we move side by side in the mirror. Without warning, the room door flies open and Leela and DG run in.

"My baby!" Leela wraps her arms around me. "You were so good. Oh my sun."

"Raine, this is going to be great," DG says. "You look amazing. The fans are going to love this!"

"You… think so?"

"Yes!" they both shout at the same time.

Binta chimes in, "And you learn super fast."

"Like what gifts weren't you given?" Leela says.

The gift of shaking my ass?

"No," Binta begins. "Not to say Raine is a bad dancer. But making his dance moves more like the way he actually moves seems to work best."

"Just like your voice," DG says.

"Okay," Binta smiles, "I need you two to leave so we can get back to practice."

Leela touches her cheek to mine and she and DG run out of the door to presumably continue watching me through the one-way window.

"Let me see how flexible you are," Binta says. She drops down into a split, like her hip joints have dislocated.

Just when I thought this was becoming easier.

***

"Uuuuuuuuuuuugggghhh." My face buried into the couch, I don't even care that the cameras are here. I've been training all zoffing day. Not only are there the dance lessons, but there's also a vocal coach who makes me sing while running on the treadmill to increase my lung power.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn," I groan again, higher pitched this time.

"What's wrong, Rainey?" DG asks, slapping my butt.

"My legs hurt."

DG's hands grip my thighs and he squeezes.

"Ow!"

"Too rough? It's supposed to hurt a little, right?" He tries again but suns, his strength is no joke.

"Where is Leela?" I whine.

"Shower." DG stands up from the couch. "Let the youngest do it. You can bond."

He walks away before I can say anything, giving a thumbs up to the camera. Xen who was apparently standing in the hallway glances at the camera then slowly walks over.

I flip on my back and lift up my legs. He sits on the couch and I stretch my legs across his lap.

He starts with my calves and, honestly, his massage feels nice. I close my eyes. He's to my knees when he randomly asks, "Do you hate me?"

My eyes snap open. The cameras are still hovering in front of us, powered on. I glance at Weyn standing in the back of the room. "Why are we still filming?..."

Weyn doesn't seem fazed in the least. "The members bonding will be good for views."

"Zoff." I close my eyes again.

Xen clears his throat. "Do you hate me?"

"How could I hate a band member?" I don't hate him, but even if I did, I wouldn't say so on camera.

"For real, Mr. Raine?" I can hear the smile on his voice and open my eyes to see it.

Did he just call me Mr. Raine? I'm older than him, but only by like, four years. "Don't call me Mr."

"Sorry," he says, kneading my lower thigh. "Do you prefer Mx.? I wasn't sure since you go by he/him and they/them."

What is he talking about? Why would you call me either? Why not just Raine? Now that I think about it, has he ever said my name?

"What about o-hin? That's Shillan for older sibling, right?"

He's zoffing embarrassing. Is he acting like this all for the camera? Maybe if I don't respond, he'll stop talking.

A few sils pass before he opens his big mouth again. "If you don't hate me, then do you like me?"

I can't help but let out a laugh. "This kid," I mutter. Fine, I'll play along. Views, huh? "Yes, I like you so much." His hands stop. "Keep massaging."

"...Yes, Mx. Rain."

He continues quietly for a while, and I soon hear the camera crew move to DG's room. A few minutes later, Weyn tells them to wrap up and the crew leaves.

Once the door closes, I sit up, swinging my legs off of Xen.

Xen stands up after me, eyes bright and innocent. "R-Raine, d-did you..."

"Agh! I'm so sweaty!" I shout, walking away quickly and into the room. "I need a shower."

"R-Ra—"

"Excuse me," I say, pushing past him with my pajamas in my arms.

He doesn't follow after me and I leave him behind. If he thinks we're best friends after just hamming it up from the camera, he's too naive.