Steph opened the mailbox without much hope for a letter from Will. It had been nearly four months since she'd last heard from him. She had caved about a month earlier and sent Will a letter asking if he'd sent a letter that maybe got lost in the mail.
A grin lit up her face as she pulled the small envelope out of her mailbox. Will had sent her a letter! After four long months without hearing from her best friend, Steph ran up the stairs to her apartment and threw open the door. Practically jumping into her usual spot in the corner of the couch, Steph ripped open the letter. Almost immediately, she wished that she hadn't. The one sentence she never thought the man who claimed to love her would never write seared itself into her mind.
We should stop writing each other.
Steph felt empty. Everything inside her had just evaporated. She scoured the letter, hoping, needing an explanation. This didn't make sense. She had been so careful in her letters not to include anything that would concern him. Even when she really needed him, she hadn't told him about the struggles she was having because she knew those would distract him. She hadn't mentioned how much she missed him or loved him. She didn't include anything sappy. She had sent encouragement! She told him about her school and her work. She hadn't even talked about her friends, since they were basically all men and she knew that would distract him. Where had she gone wrong?
Steph was spiraling. She was hollow and stuck in a tornado. She needed to get away from the letter. Steph suddenly found herself in the bathroom. She didn't remember walking there. Steph looked in the mirror. Everything felt foreign. Her mind was shut down, not even registering her own reflection. If she was feeling anything, she'd be scared, but she wasn't feeling anything. A carnal need to stop looking at these things that weren't registering overwhelmed her and she curled around the seat of the vanity chair and squeezed her eyes shut.
Feeling herself on her knees must have triggered something because her first thought since reading that awful letter was pray.
Steph folded her arms. She tried to start a prayer, but her mind was so gone that she couldn't even form enough of a thought to start a prayer. She couldn't feel her own body. She couldn't feel or think anything. She needed to feel something. Suddenly, Steph found herself pinching her arm. She was pinching herself so hard that her long nails nearly broke her skin. She was going to bruise, but at least her mind had become grounded. Grounded enough to quickly utter a prayer for help.
After mouthing amen, Steph felt grounded again. She released her arm and waited, still curled around the old chair. Time had seemed to stop, so she didn't know how long she waited before a thought entered her mind. He still loves you.
That thought, though comforting, seemed too good to be true. Steph needed to know if it was just her wishful thinking or not. Heavenly Father, I need to know if that was you or if that was me. I don't want to ask for a sign but I need something. Steph squeezed her eyes shut as she waited.
Read the letter again. The thought was so clear in her mind it was as if someone in the room had spoken it aloud. Steph had had every intention of throwing away the letter without ever looking at it again. If that sentence wasn't a clear sign, she didn't know what else could be.
Steph made her way back to the living room and picked up the letter. This time as she read, a new sentence stood out.
Your letters are distracting me.
Finally, tears started to come to Steph's eyes. Will still loved her. He had been out only six months, so there was still over a year for her to wait, but Steph could do that. She'd stick to the plan. She would continue to date around, but she would not get serious with anyone unless, by some great feat, she felt more strongly about them than she did about Will.
---
Steph's brother, Clyde, was shocked to see his sister on the verge of tears outside his door. Steph was just glad that Clyde had decided to move into the same complex as her. In fact, he lived in the same stairwell as Jer.
"What happened?"
"Will doesn't want to write anymore. I don't know what to do now."
Clyde thought for a minute. "Do you have plans with anyone tonight?"
"Oh yeah..." Steph sighed. "I was going to hang out with Jer."
"Cancel your plans. I'll call Aunt Alicia. We'll go get some ice cream."
Steph nodded then trudged up the stairs to Jer's apartment. Jer looked concerned as she told him they would have to hold off on the movie they planned to watch, but he didn't push for Steph to explain.
Seeing Jer had been the last thing Steph had wanted to do. They had just recently started regularly hanging out again. Some making out was also happening and right now all Steph could feel was incredible guilt, like Will knew she had been kissing another man and that's why he didn't want to write anymore. Obviously, this isn't what had happened, but Steph's mind just couldn't handle seeing Jer right now.