I didn't even notice how nice it kind of was. Living with Luca was probably the most ideal living situation when it came to living in this city. Roommates had a tendency of trying to impose their personalities on me. Either from just being fucking annoying and making the living situation miserable or by trying to get to know me. I guess people just feel the need to have some kind of relationship with the people they live with, or maybe they don't want to confront that awkwardness that comes with two people financially using each other, they prefer to try at a relationship with no basis; besides that they live with this person. Luca and I did not have this issue.

We rarely spoke to each other.

It was great. The only times we interacted was if something broke in the place or when rent was due. There were never guests. God I loved how there was never anyone over. There were no arguments or attempts at small talk. We didn't use each other's stuff, we didn't eat each other's food. We worked different hours. There was no cross contamination when it came to his life and mine. It was exactly what I wanted.

It was nice.

Then Luca died. I didn't even notice until the end of the month. Rent was due, Nine hundred and fifty dollars a month excluding utilities. Now times that by two, I was quickly put in the hole.

I had to call missing persons. Explain to them that the last time I saw Luca was a month ago. I don't think they liked this. I couldn't really give them a lot of information. But they found him. In a hotel, wearing a mask attached to a helium tank. I had to tell his parents, whom I'd never met until then and tell them that their son had been dead for weeks. March was not pleasant.

April was shaping up to be rougher. I could break the lease but that would probably leave me in an even worse spot, I`d still have to pay for the remaining duration of the lease, a whopping six months. My credit score would tank making it impossible to find another apartment.

Goodbye city life. Goodbye freedom. Goodbye dreams.

Hello rural, middle of nowhere colonial small town. Hello family and friends who think your aspirations are a joke. Hello Northeast rednecks, with your muddied Jeeps, Monster energy drink stickers, and camo everything.

Or I could find another roommate. Find another loquacious, mooning, garbage generator who'll willingly sign a contract that obliges them to pay almost a thousand dollars a month to live in a dead person's room. I mean it's close to the subway.

People will want it.

I copy pasted the same ad to five different real estate marketplaces online. The replies came straight to email. I thought it was a good idea to leave the fact that i'm a girl. This was not a good idea. A lot of lonely, horny, low-ballers. Like a lot.

A lot of people on the internet like to skim. It`ll clearly read, girl looking for a quiet roommate for a spacious queen sized room, no pets, no guests staying over, close to the subway, rent is Nine hundred and fifty dollars a month excluding utilities, move in date asap. They'll only read, “Girl looking for roommate” and jump on it like flies to shit.

I`m screwed.

I know I'm screwed but what else could I do?

What do most twenty something year olds that feel oppressed by their finances, living situation, or all around life do?

Drink, smoke, watch TV, try not to think about the impending disaster that's about to happen.

Cry, dissociate, lurk through social media, look at memes.

Don't think about it.

Think about anything else.

This worked really well, the trick was to stay distracted or occupied by something long enough before it became boring. I`m pretty fickle. I'm the kind of person who'll have the TV on, be on the phone, and listen to music all at the same time. In case I lose interest with one of them, I can just jump to the next one before the existential dread could kick in, staying in constant momentary jest.

Can't invest myself in something that might or might not keep my attention for long. Like a movie or book. The risk is too high, ennui always finds a way in if you let it.