Afterwards, Inho lifted himself, supported on his knees and one hand. His eyes were squeezed shut still and he breathed heavily through his mouth. He flinched and turned his head when footsteps passed in the hall outside his door. Looking over his shoulder, his eyes fell on the bag of toys and for a moment he considered grabbing some and continuing. A cozy flush suffused him, and in the afterglow, he felt relaxed for once.

Then he looked down and realized he didn’t have any other sheets. Shame crept up slowly from his gut and he sat back on his heels. Before he could prod too deeply at what he had just jerked-off to, the phone rang, and he dove for it, expecting Jamie.

It was his father. His father rarely called when he was back in Korea, and he felt a quick wash of panic that something was wrong. Careless of his naked, sticky state he answered too fast,

“Dad? Hello?”

“Hello, Inho! How are you?” His father answered, and by the tone of his voice, nothing was wrong. Inho instantly regretted answering. It was way too soon after the fact to be talking to his father.

“I’m good, Dad, what's going on?” Inho grabbed his t-shirt from earlier and awkwardly wiped his chest and belly with his free hand, cringing all the while.

“Nothing much with me! I’m just checking in,” his father replied with his usual upbeat tone.

“I heard you’re on the West Coast. I’m in Seattle you know, we’re in the same time zone now!”

His father was always too enthusiastic, on the phone, and with everything else. He was a ball of loud energy, like an excited golden retriever, and he was only a few hours away now by car. How had he forgotten? Inho tossed his sticky t-shirt into the corner and hopped around pulling on his underwear and a sweatshirt while trying not to drop the phone. The room was chilly and his skin prickled up in goosebumps. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, listening as his dad rambled about work, then pinned Inho with a quick barrage of painful questions,

“How’s Jamie doing? Are you treating her right? It’s expensive up there isn’t it; are you working?”

Inho flinched, each inquiry hitting a sore spot of emotional tension.

“Jamie’s great, I see her a ton,” he lied out of habit, “I’m working too, everything is good.”

It was a rule for Inho and his older sister Hyebin that they didn’t complain to their father. He was far away and they didn’t want to create burdens for him when he couldn’t do anything about it. It was hard enough for him to be apart from his wife with her deep and constant sadness. They had agreed when they were younger not to share their childish problems and had never changed tactics since.

His father didn’t respond right away, uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. When he broke the silence, his tone was serious.

“I’m glad, I’m proud of you Inho,” he said.

Inho looked at the puddle next to him and the shame from earlier took hold again, but his dad wasn’t done yet.

“You’ve really grown-up kiddo. Now, don’t tell your sister, but I’m going to send you some money okay? I know how it all adds up.”

Inho sat up straight and shuffled his bare feet.

“Dad you don’t need to do that. I’m fine,” he replied quickly.

“I insist Inho, what kind of father doesn’t give an allowance when they’re proud? I’ll send it tonight alright? And Inho? Call me sometimes.”

“I will Dad, thank you.”

Inho said his goodbyes and hung up before flinging himself back onto the bed. He certainly wasn’t proud of himself right now, but taking the money would take such a load off. He wondered how much it would be.

Maybe enough to rent a place?

One of the reasons it was hard to see Jamie was that he couldn’t have her over to this horrible room. If he had enough for a deposit, he could keep up with a small monthly rent. Then he could tackle Step 4 of his plan: the mind-blowing relationship-building sex part. That part felt terribly far away still. A melancholy mood started to take hold when his phone dinged with a notification from his bank. His father was an incredibly prompt man. Inho’s eyes widened when he saw the number, it was enough for a deposit and then some. He laughed out loud in sheer relieved joy until someone pounded on the wall for him to shut up.

He put a towel down on the bed and laid down to text his dad a thank you, and then to message Jamie. He had a day off next Sunday, and he asked her to go on a date.

Then, after some consideration, and before searching for an apartment he pulled up an Incognito tab on Google, and swapped his translations settings to Korean, just to be extra sure he understood all of what he was about to read.

I’ve gotta be too old for this, he thought, but I’ll look.

His recent jerk-off material was weighing on him and, Jasmine’s words about sexuality were still bouncing around in his head: “gay, bisexual, pansexual”. Her patronizing tone when she’d said “there’s a whole world out there, Inho,” was still fresh in his mind.

Fuck off, Jasmine. He puffed. Then, feeling shy despite being alone, he typed in a single word into his browser. Bisexuality.