Gracie Bladwin

(A month later.)

“I am going over to Kade’s.” I say to Annalyn as I get ready.

“Whyyyyy?” Annalyn smirks.

“We’re going to play video games. And I doubt that equals sex but I mean, anything does in your mind.” I say and she laughs.

“Only for you two.” She smiles sweetly. Is that the word? I don’t think so. It’s so sweet that you know she is about to kill you.

“I am leaving, you’re annoying.” I say, throwing my phone and keys into my pocket. “I will be back in a few hours.” I say and leave, locking the door behind me.

(An hour later.)

“Woo hoo. I love this game.” I say turning to him, my face expressionless.

“You’re the one who killed me first.” He says, setting down the controller.

“Well that’s because you kept breaking by sign!” Kade laughs. “I hate you.” I say and laugh as well.

(Another hour later.)

“Wanna go get drunk?” I ask Kade, turning to him.

“Uhh, no?” He looks confused.

“But why not?” I ask him, eyes wide.

“Because I may do something stupid.” He says, turning off his console.

“So? We can just go fuck someone.” I say, smiling.

“Uhm- I would rather not.” Kade says.

“Well I am going to go get drunk and fuck someone.” I say, standing up.

“Wait? What?” His eyes are wide. “Actually?”

“Yeah, you can either come with me or stay here alone.” Kade’s family is quite wealthy so he got a solo dorm.

“I- Fine. I will come with. But I am not having sex with someone.” He says.

“Good for you.” I grab my sweatshirt which is laying on his bed.

“Are you actually going to?” He asks, grabbing his keys and putting on his shoes.

“I mean, yeah. Why shouldn’t I?” Emotionless sex, oh yeah.

“I- Yeah, I don’t know. No reason.” He says and I step into the hallway.

It takes us about twenty minutes but we end up at a bar, drinking. I got beer and he got some cocktails. Priss.

“Are you actually going to try and have sex?” He’s had a few drinks and I have had a few drinks at this point.

“I have already said yes several times. Why the fuck do you care?” I take yet another drink and then the bartender comes over.

“This is on the house.” He hands me a drink, winking. I look beside me and see Kade, he seems to be in shock.

“And I think I have found the one.” I say, taking a drink.

“Gracie, really?” His big eyes are even larger than normal.

“How many times do I have to say yes?” And then I holler at the bartender. “Hey, when does your shift end?” I ask him and he smiles.

“In about an hour.”

“Well then in about an hour do you want to go somewhere?” I smirk.

“Sure.” He says, “I will talk to you then.” He walks away, I assume to another customer.

“Really Gracie?” He asks, annoyed and seemingly angry.

“Yup. I already said that.” He repeats his questions so I repeat my answers.

“Can I talk to you?” He asks.

“We are talking.” I laugh and take a drink.

“Seriously.” His tone scares me.

“Dude, we are sitting alone, you can talk.” I say and he glares.

“Somewhere else.” He pleads.

I want to go and talk to him. I want to go somewhere else. I want to stop acting ignorant. I want to stop lying. I know the signs. I am not that stupid. I just can’t.

Why can’t I just show my feelings? I want to be normal. I want to tell someone I like them instead of calling them stupid and annoying. I want to feel happy. I want to stop this stupid nagging thing in the back of my head.

But I can’t. I like him.

But I won’t be able to show it.

“Dude, I am about to hook up with a guy. I would rather wait here.” I laugh.

“...” He is silent, “Okay, I am just going to go back home then.” He finishes his drink and walks out the door. Leaving me alone.

Like always.

Why do I always have to push them away?