"I swear," Otto Fellatio said as Jack descended the stairs into the basement, "that's, like, the worst thing ever."

"Jesus, kid." Shakira laughed. "Actually, I have to wonder who it was worse for, you or her?"

"It was worse for me! Come on, when a kid is caught red-handed by his own …"

"Well, it's more like 'white-handed.'" Shakira laughed again, and Jack walked around the corner in time to see her leaning back in her chair and holding her sides.

"Well … eggshell, to be precise." Otto fired off a shit-eating grin.

Shakira slumped over the long table and shook with laughter. She and the kid had a pair of laptops and other devices set up in front of them. The room was cluttered with electronic gear. A tiny microphone sat in front of each of them. The whole setup had a cobbled-together look.

"Do I even wanna know?" Jack said, and both of them glanced up at him and laughed even harder.

"Hey, Jack." Shakira turned to wave at him and the little plastic bones in the ends of her long dreadlocks clicked together. "How ya doin?"

"Not bad. What's up?"

"Well, we were just talking about one of your recent clips," Otto said. "The guy you caught masturbating."

"Oh, him." Jack grimaced. "Look, if you're gonna order pizza, don't start punchin' your munchkin until after it's delivered. You can't unsee something like that."

"Just like most of the spam I get."

"I don't even wanna think about the kinds of spam you get," Shakira said.

"Hah. But let's not get sidetracked, here."

She laughed again. "Anyway, after that, we somehow got onto the subject of being caught … uh … engaging in acts of self-love." She groaned and leaned forward, resting an elbow on the desk and propping her forehead on her palm. Had it not been for her extremely dark ebony skin, Jack was sure she would've had a visible blush.

"Let's just say that my story is the most embarrassing one, so far." Otto chuckled. His normally pasty skin turned bright red from his neck all the way up to the frill of green hair spikes on his otherwise bald head.

"His mother caught him in the act." Shakira giggled, and Otto turned redder.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were living on your own."

"Yeah, since I was six or seven. Most of the time, I'd crash at a friend's house for a few nights, then move on. Sometimes I'd stay in a shelter for a while, or spend the night in a sleeping bag in a park. Just got my own place recently."

Otto shrugged and continued after a long sigh.

"My mom never went out of her way to find me once she found out I was doing okay on my own, but for some reason, she tracked me down last week. I haven't wanted anything to do with my family for a long time, but I finally decided to give it a shot. So, she dropped by a couple times and we talked. It was going okay, but then, yesterday, she showed up unexpectedly and walked in while I was cranking out a batch."

Shakira laughed so hard that she could barely sit up straight or catch her breath. Her laugh became a series of wheezes.

"Ugh." Jack couldn't help chuckling despite the horrifying image that had just flitted through his mind. "That must've been … awkward."

"It definitely set things back a bit, yeah." Otto buried his face in his hands. "It's a teenage boy's worst nightmare."

Shakira grinned and patted his back. "Cheer up. Someday you'll look back on this and laugh."

"Well, sure, it's funny. But still, it was a moment that seemed to last forever."

"Didn't she even knock first?" Jack said. "It wasn't even her place."

"I forgot to lock the door, so she just walked right in." Otto rubbed his hand over his face. "She's always been that way. Just because she's my mother, she thinks that gave her the right to barge into my room whenever she wanted. And she did it again even though I have my own apartment."

"My mom used to do that all the time," Jack said. "No matter how many times I told her to stop, she wouldn't."

"Yeah, that's exactly how my mom is. It's not enough that she keeps giving me shit about my hair, now she …"

"Well, that is a very '1980s' hairdo," Shakira said with a laugh.

Otto grinned and flipped her off. "Aw, fuck you."

"You wish."

"Goddamn right, I do." Otto smirked and Shakira rolled her eyes. "Anyway, Mom barged in and the first thing she saw was me pumping a gallon of cum into my Fleshlight. And she froze in her tracks and just stared at me with this horrified look, like she thought there was something wrong with me."

"Oh, no there isn't." Jack snorted. "Sometimes guys just need to squirt one out. It's the way guys are, especially at your age."

"Exactly! It's practically an addiction. Puberty, y'know? Can't help it." He waved a hand at Shakira. "Hell, after sitting next to this babe for several hours, I really need to get rid of some excess energy."

Shakira flicked a bewildered look at him. "Bah. I'm too old and fat for you to find me attractive at all. You should look for someone your own age."

"Like you're ancient or something. Come on. You're, what, early thirties? Mid-thirties at the most? You're probably reaching your sexual peak right about now." He aimed a shit-eating grin at her. "And so am I. It's perfect."

"Dream on." Shakira rolled her eyes again.

"And I've always been attracted exclusively to adult women, anyway. It's just my personal preference." Otto shrugged. "Anyway, I've said it a thousand times, you're hot. Don't be so down on yourself."

Shakira stared at him and looked thoughtful for a second or two as if trying to decide how to react. Finally, she said, "Eh, if you say so."

Jack laughed. "Aw, come on, I think you two would make a cute couple."

Otto grinned. "Thank you, Jack."

"Don't egg him on, for fuck's sake! Jesus Christ." Shakira arched an eyebrow at Jack and sighed. "Whatever. Moving right along." She pointed at Jack. "Since you're here, do you have any embarrassing got-caught-beating-off stories?"

Jack shrugged. "When I was Otto's age, it almost happened a few times. But I managed to escape detection. At least, I think I did. I hope I did."

"What about being caught by a girlfriend? That ever happen to you?" Otto chuckled. "That's gotta be awkward."

"Well, Corona doesn't see things the way we do." Jack chuckled. "Yeah, she walked in on me a couple times, but she didn't make a fuss about it. Actually, she wanted to join in." He cleared his throat. "And that's all I'm gonna say about it here."

Shakira leaned toward her microphone and said, "By the way, for anybody listening who doesn't already know, Jack's girlfriend isn't human."

"Yeah," Otto added, "she's like a sort of humanoid dragon. Kinky, eh?"

Jack gave him the finger and Otto grinned and aimed a sly smile at Shakira.

"Well, you've embarrassed me and Jack, so now it's your turn. What's your humiliating story?"

"Oh, jeez. Let me think about it."

"I doubt it could be more embarrassing than mine."

"Eh, don't bet on it." Shakira groaned and covered her face again. "The worst one happened when I was in college. I didn't do it very often back then, but one day I was in the room I shared with a friend, who was out shopping or something, and … uh …"

"And you needed to double-click the mouse button?" Otto grinned.

"Gah!" Shakira slumped over the desk, resting her forehead on her arms, hiding her face. When she spoke again, her voice was muffled. "Yeah. Just suddenly … I don't even know why, I just … anyway. Yeah. I can't believe I'm talking about this!"

"Doesn't bother me a bit." Otto chuckled and Shakira groaned again. "Well, you don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. My imagination is enough to keep me going."

"You mean coming," Jack said.

"You're disgusting. Both of you." Shakira raised her left hand and gave them the European double-fingers. Then she lifted her head enough to reach the microphone. "Just so I don't get arrested, I want to point out that what Otto decides to fantasize about is entirely beyond my control.. The only reason I'm discussing this is because he'd never stop pestering me about it."

"Well, since the age of consent in Neon City was recently lowered to sixteen, I'm almost legal. Only about two and a half more years."

"Is that supposed to make me feel any better about this?"

"I'm just sayin'." Otto shrugged. "Okay, like I said, feel free to skip straight to the embarrassing part." He grinned.

"Oh, yeah, that makes all the difference in the world." Shakira sighed, took a moment to brace herself, and plunged ahead. "Anyway, the embarrassing part."

"Actually," Jack said, digging a media card out of his pocket, "I came here to drop off another set of clips that I recorded on my previous job."

"That's a relief!" Shakira grinned and mouthed the words, "Thank you," as he gave her the card. "We never get tired of this stuff."

"That's good, but I sure as hell did."

"For anybody who doesn't already know," Otto said, "Jack delivered pizzas until last night, and he's been entertaining us with clips he recorded with his cybernetic eyes. And even though this little show is something we do just for fun, we do get a little money from sponsors and donors and subscribers, which we use to buy stuff like these clips. Most people would probably just stick these up on a free streaming service, but when you're working for less than minimum wage and have tons of bills to pay, you learn to make a quick buck anywhere you can find it."

"And I appreciate all the extra cash I get for 'em, too," Jack said.

"They're worth every penny." Otto grinned.

"Okay, let's see what we've got here." Shakira inserted the card into her computer, but Jack's phone rang before the list of files loaded.

Otto snickered. "Nice ringtone. Is that the Dean Scream?"

"It's the Dean combined with the Wilhelm Scream. Found it in an archive of old sound effects." Jack glanced at his phone's screen. "It's Corrie. Excuse me." He stood and walked over to the stairs.

"No problemo," Otto said. "We'll just have a look at these while you're talking."

Shakira nodded and pointed at her screen. "We're getting some stories from listeners about being caught doin' the five-knuckle shuffle."

Otto tapped an icon on his screen. "I'll add some more clips to our premium section while we read a few of these."

Jack accepted the phone call and smiled. "Hey, baby. What's up?"

"Hey, honey," Corona said, and Jack frowned. She didn't have the energetic, friendly, giggly tone that she normally had.

"What's wrong, Corrie?"

"Taura just called me. Jack, she's in trouble. Somebody assaulted her a while ago, and she doesn't know why."

"What? Is she okay?"

"I think so, but she's scared. She said somebody's following her, and she wants us to pick her up."

"I'm on my way." Jack charged up the stairs, glancing over his shoulder to wave at Otto and Shakira before he launched through the door. "Where is she?"