April 14, 2013

It all happened so suddenly. I wasn’t touched, nor did anyone do anything to me. However, I feel like I have been assaulted and punched and beaten up and insulted and battered all at the same time. I don’t know what had just happened or what those people did to me. It all just happened so suddenly! I can’t believe I have not noticed the writings on the wall. I feel like they have taken me out of the blue, and I could not fight back, nor have they given me a chance to leave.

I can’t even begin to describe the revolting state of vile debauchery that I have seen today. Perhaps words such as ‘voluptuous’ and ‘degenerate’ would suffice in wrapping up what I feel when I first stepped foot in that place. Now that I have long been away from that part of this world, I can say for sure that I still feel the same way. That place is evil. It houses a sense of religious pomposity that I could only get from the kind of people who would attend church every day. However, hidden within the dark confines of that disgusting room lies the devil. Beelzebub himself lurks within the shadows and the thick, cemented walls of that room, and he whispers a hellish song directly into the ears of every bare person I have met in that place. I don’t even know why my older cousin Ivan took part in such a gathering—one that is shrouded in impunity, a macabre sense of ancientness hidden within the confines of a modern work of imperial capitalism.

It all started when I arrived at work today. Nothing really happened at home, so I went directly to Lawson, finding no additional problems from Janine. So that’s why I started my day on a high note. But my enthusiasm instantly fell, just absolutely plummeting from the skies down onto the floor, when I saw Ivan conversing with George in the cashier. Ivan and George noticed me entering the store right away, and they both flashed a knowing smile right at me. It seemed like they were expecting me. Ivan wasn’t surprised at all when he saw, as he very well should be because I have been very outspoken about my new job.

Ivan then hugged me right away when he saw me, which almost removed my irritation away. However, seeing his smile at that time just made me sigh. I am mad at him for leaving home like that yesterday. My uncle has been very, very worried about him, but I also understand his point since Janine has been increasingly becoming more and more insufferable as the days pass. She wasn’t like that on my first day in the house. She would have this occasional snide side-eyes and prejudice-filled harrumphs while looking at me. Still, she’s a mostly well-adjusted person. I definitely wouldn’t imagine her barging inside of her son’s room and trample on their belongings when I first met her. I have a feeling that I am at fault here. My arrival must have kick-started her descent to lunacy.

So there I was, looking at Janine’s son, who had just fled yesterday, because of her sudden maddened outburst. Ivan told me today that I wasn’t at fault. He even reassured that Janine is usually this violent. I am not quite sure if ‘reassured’ is the right word to use in this context, though. Maybe she was just hiding her true self because I was there.

Ivan hugged me, smiled at me, told me he missed me, and patted my head as if he had not fled out of his home like a typical angsty high school teenager. He could have at least told me where he’s going, so I could ease my uncle’s stress. I said this to Ivan, and he just laughed at me as if I had said something funny. Was my worry for him a cause for humor? I was feeling angry at that point, but I’m sure the last thing he needs at that time is another nagging family member. I just told him I was glad that he’s safe and walked past him, still feeling irritated. I was not frustrated because of him. I’m frustrated because I feel so fucking useless again, even after swearing to myself that I will not allow my cousin to feel alone. I wanted to leave his side because I didn’t want to lash out my discontent with myself towards Ivan.

That was when Ivan grabbed my arm and told me I should come with him and that he wanted to show me something. I refused because I’m currently at work, but then he said that he talked to George about it, and then George chimed in and said that it’s okay if I leave today and that he would still mark my attendance as ‘present’ even if I leave with Ivan. I was still not okay with it, even with George’s consent. I refused Ivan’s invitation again. That was when I asked George if he knew Ivan. He said that he knew my cousin for a while because they’re working at the same ‘organization.’ George also added that he didn’t mind having Ivan take me away. George, my direct supervisor, told me he’s fine on his own. I didn’t believe him at all. So I refused Ivan’s invitation for a third time and pulled my hand away from him.

That was when Ivan began to beg me to come with him. Literally. My older cousin was on his knees, grabbing my left leg with pleading eyes. The two or three customers who are inside the shop at that time looked at me with eyes filled with curiosity. I became a bit embarrassed after seeing the attention we’re getting and pleaded with Ivan to stand up and that I will at least listen to him if he stops. Ivan didn’t. He remained on his knees with tearful eyes. He said that he really wants me to be with him, and he would feel so much more terrible if I wouldn’t come. At this point, George had also approached me and tapped my back, making me turn my head on his troubled expression. George told me we should take this matter outside. I agreed. I was very hesitant, but I agreed.

I went outside of the store with Ivan. I asked as to where he intends to take me. Ivan told me we would go to the place where he stayed during this entire time. He then fell on his knees again with tearful eyes and told me he really wanted me to accompany him to this place he spoke of. I looked at the direction of George from the glass walls of the convenience store, and I saw him nodding at me as if telling me he’s giving me his consent. I can’t believe it. George is usually a strict person, but he’s now quickly allowing me to miss my shift because a person he’s working with in his other job talked to him for a few moments. I’m not even sure how Ivan and George knew each other. From what I heard from Ivan, they seem to be very close, and Ivan regarded George as an older-brother figure because they are ‘the same kind of people.’ Up until now, I still don’t get what he means by that.

But who am I kidding? Ivan’s pleadings and George’s consent swayed my mind easily. I agreed to leave my workplace with Ivan as long as he promises me he will explain what’s happening to me. Ivan told me I would know everything I needed once we reached our destination. So that’s that. I went with him into whatever place exactly it is that he has in mind. I didn’t bring up the part where I saw him enter the Plural Heights hotel yesterday since I was afraid that I might have been mistaken. Turns out, I was absolutely correct. Ivan brought me swiftly into a luxury suite at the top floor of the Plural Heights hotel upon my agreement to come with him.

On our way there, Ivan told me countless things. He said that he’s been crying a lot while staying in this hotel. Ivan also informed me he kept thinking about me. He said that he felt so depressed while imagining how disappointed I must have been after seeing his behavior. I told him I wasn’t mad at him, and I was definitely not disappointed while reassuring him I am definitely on his side. I remembered that Ivan placed his arms on my shoulders, and he kept that hand wrapped around me throughout our brief journey towards our destination. When we boarded an elevator, Ivan informed me about his relationship with George. He said that George and his other friends have helped him cope with his mother’s abuse since he was a teenager. Ivan further added that he’s ‘the same kind of people’ as his friends, which is why they understand him a lot. Again, I don’t know what he meant when he said that, even after all the things I’ve seen.

Ivan also said that he has been feeling better after what he did with his friends, so he wants me to be released from all the demons living inside of my soul by introducing me to the same thing that helped him. How I wished that he didn’t. How I fucking longed of a day when Ivan would have just left me alone and didn’t invite me to his little band of degenerates.

Ivan described this group we’re about to meet in the vaguest way possible. He said that whatever I will see inside of that room is a spiritually transcendent feeling that will awaken the power lurking within my heart. That’s not true. It just made me want to kill myself more. Thinking about what they had unraveled before me inside of that room is enough to fuel a seeping rage and disgust and sadness deep inside of me. Whatever I have seen today has assaulted my brain in such a profound manner that I can almost feel the sensation prickling my spine and thwacking my heart.

Ivan then continued by saying that this group had removed ‘god’s curse’ inside of his soul. He said that from that point on, he started feeling like the weight of the world had left his body. As a final caveat, Ivan explained that this experience is legal and will definitely not get me punished in any sense of the way. He said that the law of men and god would never touch me once I entered ‘the temple.’ I believe him. That place is devoid of any sort of holiness and lawfulness. It’s evil! Malevolent, even! No humanly laws or divine intervention could have ever saved anyone from that empty maelstrom of the inferno.

At this point, I was already starting to be more reluctant about this situation as I pulled myself away from Ivan. I should have pulled away harder. However, since Ivan has his arms around me, I really couldn’t move far away from him. He locked me in his embrace the entire time until our elevator arrived on the 50th floor of the hotel. How I wished I leaped off a nearby glass window I saw in that brightly lit hotel corridor. I would do everything if it meant removing that memory away from my mind. However, I was powerless against my love for my older cousin. He pretty much dragged me towards my guillotine, towards that dreaded suite on the 50th floor of Plural Heights hotel. I remembered the feeling seeping through my spines when we stopped in front of that dreaded’ place’s doorway. Room 5010. The door leading to hell itself.

Ivan then opened the door.

Jeez, where should I even begin?