My head seemed lighter as soon as the lessons finished: I knew I needed it. Keeping my mind busy when it was full of worries always worked for me, even though it was only temporary… Now it was time to get back to it.

"Where do you live? Student accommodation?" the same guy approached me while I gathered my notes and put them into my backpack. He sat the whole time on the opposite side of the room; why was he now approaching me and bugging me again?

"Sorry, your name is…?" I asked, changing the topic while he looked at me with an investigatory gaze. He followed me anxiously while I got out of the class as fast as I could, trying to figure out how to get away and disappear until tomorrow.

"I'm Cheng. Liu Cheng," he smirked as he stopped in front of me, making me instantly sigh. I already got an idea of how all that was going to end.

"It's tea time. Let's go to eat something; I'm starving." grabbing my arm before I could reject the offer, Cheng dragged me outside the university and into the crowded streets of the city centre. He kept his hand on me for the whole journey without releasing it, and I was kind of grateful because I would have already run away and regretted it afterwards, as my sense of direction has always been... a complete disaster.

The cold air made my eyes a bit blurry, but I kept looking around, analysing the building's construction structure and the art, which was so different from what I was used to. I tried collecting as many street names and prominent monuments and shops as possible, so I would remember my way back once all that ended.

Cheng suddenly slowed down, making me nearly crash onto his shoulder.

"We arrived. I've been dying to come here with someone," Cheng opened the restaurant door but let me enter first, which made me foolishly blush at the gentle manner that covered the feeling of being out of place for a mere minute. The site looked so expensive.

A beautiful blond woman greeted us as soon as we both stepped into the luxurious restaurant, and after taking Cheng's name, she led us to the back as my classmate asked for a private and discrete area to dine in. Her perfectly styled ponytail kept brushing her back as she walked, making me unconsciously lick my lips when I spotted some of her hair remaining entangled on the collar of her shirt. 

Suddenly feeling a well-known cold sweat rushing in and out of my body, I locked my arms around my chest and took my seat when we arrived at our designated table. I bit the inside of my cheek to force myself to take some deep breaths and make it less apparent, but nothing was left unnoticed by those curious eyes observing every move I made. 

Forcing out a smile when she kindly laid the black leather menu in front of us before leaving, I sighed, opening the menu and trying not to focus on the price next to the name of every dish. I could get a salad to eat something, but I didn't feel like eating anything at all. 

Convincing myself to do so, I closed the menu, catching the smirk on Cheng's lips that suggested he had found what he wanted. Soon after, the same waitress came to take our orders, and I quickly excused myself for taking only a drink as I didn't feel like eating yet. Surprisingly he didn't force me to take even something small, which made me think that maybe he only wanted some company and nothing more. It could have been anyone else instead of me, and it wouldn't have made any difference...

"So, where do you live? You forgot to answer me before," he asked curiously, and I sighed again, suddenly feeling pressured and uncomfortable. My stomach and abdomen hurt so much-

"You aren't very talkative, isn't it?" he concluded, a bit disappointed after I turned my head to the side, looking outside the window a few meters from us. The waitress arrived at our table and opened a bottle of wine, pouring the red liquid evenly into the two wine glasses before leaving us in our uncomfortable silence.

"When did you order this?" confused, I looked at him and tasted the wine slowly, savouring the sweet and strong aftertaste that left my mouth as soon as I gulped down. I took another sip and wished that the alcohol could quickly numb my thoughts and body ache, shaking me from head to toe.

"When she was taking us to the table, actually. I thought it would be nice to cheer on the beginning of a great friendship with a nice bottle of wine," he explained, laying his elbow on the table and stretching his arm a bit halfway through, waiting for me to clench our glasses together.

"Thank you," I said, grabbing my glass and clenching them together. "But I'm not good with alcohol; I have to admit," I added, ashamed but suddenly feeling confused when, from the corner of my eye, I caught the blond waitress laughing with her colleague while looking at us. 

What the-

"It's okay. Drink as much as you desire; I'm looking forward to knowing you better, Chin Mae," he stated, smirking kindly, finishing his glass of wine and grabbing his phone from his trousers. Typing something quickly on it, he soon put it away, excusing himself for his rudeness.

Shrugging my shoulders, I nodded in response, drinking the full glass of wine without thinking too much and hoping the knot in my chest would ease and disappear. It's not that I didn't like Cheng; it was just that the less he knew, the better it was... I shouldn't even be there in the first place.

"Where do you live?" I asked, feeling at fault for how I was treating him, pouring more wine for both of us right before the waitress came with his fillet steak, some hand-cut chips and charred broccoli on the side.

"My family rented me an apartment not too far from here; they didn't want me to stay in a student accommodation because they thought that 'I won't study properly.'" he laughed, covering his mouth politely.

"Even though I told them it wasn't necessary, they didn't listen. So nosy." cutting a piece of the stake and making it disappear behind Cheng's full-hearted lips, I spotted some blood staining them, and I secretly wondered if it would taste better only because his lips had touched it. 

Wait, what-

"You shouldn't say that about them. They only want what's best for you," I mumbled drily without thinking about it too much and regretting it after I realized that I had said it out loud.

"Y-yeah, you're right. Sorry," Cheng replied, shocked and a bit mortified, maybe because it was the first time I tried to continue a conversation without cutting it off immediately, giving him a small paternal.

I couldn't deny that I was surprised myself, but I couldn't stay silent and watch his eyes sparkle with carefreeness anymore; envy consumed me more every minute we stayed together. I thought I could get over those dark thoughts since I moved here, but seeing him has destroyed all my will to change. I always feel like I've become a leech, trying to suck the positive energy from others just to fill up the hollow inside me since my life changed drastically a few years ago.

I couldn't stop thinking how people, including myself, didn't know what they had until they lost it… and sometimes forever. The only thing we can do is complain because it's easier to do than face the problems, isn't it? 

We always need to reach the bottom, end up falling onto our knees and stumbling to get back up. But then we get into a cycle where we get used to falling, losing and making mistakes; we start to don't care anymore if things will actually get better because we even stop trying and planning how to get out of it. 

But all this will stop when we find the person willing to shake us so hard that it will break the rat race we locked ourselves in. They will take us by the hand and make us realize that getting up one extra time is not bad if those plans are destroyed because there will be another one to follow. Maybe that new plan will lead us to our success after falling again: we only need to be willing to see it and seek it.

"Anyway," he cleared his throat swiftly, waking me up from the apparent trance I was in, "You should order some food; you can't keep drinking like this." cutting a piece of the stake, he stretched out from his seat to the middle of the table, pointing the fork to my face. He pressed the piece of meat gently on my lips, and I opened them only to end that embarrassing scene as some people turned to look at us with surprised looks on their faces, some giggling, and others were disgusted.  

I chewed the meat slowly, enjoying the juice from it every time my teeth stabbed it, even though my palate was already numb from the alcohol. I lowered my eyes, stopping Cheng with a hand gesture when he cut another piece for me, but the satisfied smirk stayed on his lips until he finished his food and part of the sides. Lowering my gaze again, I spotted a blood stain on the white table cover right in front of me. 

What a pity. 

"You should eat more, Chin Mae. It would be best if you had the energy and nutrition to study efficiently." he pointed out, lecturing me. I quickly finished another glass of wine when my stomach started complaining; I felt tipsy. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't stop or refuse to drink recently; I guess it had become a habit.

"Mh-hm," I only mumbled back at his remark, putting my forearms on the table's edge and leaning forward a bit. Grabbing the stem of my empty glass of wine, I started rolling it between my thumb and index finger, watching the small drop placed at the bottom of the glass move as I did so.

Feeling more relaxed and at ease, I heard him chuckle, and I immediately recomposed myself when Cheng greeted the waitress, who arrived to promptly pour the rest of the wine into our glasses and remove his empty plate from the table.

Following her leaving, the waitress disappeared behind the kitchen doors and reappeared right after to talk to a middle-aged man behind the bar, making me suddenly uneasy. The man looked at me expressionless, and I couldn't stop myself from shivering, feeling a burst of heat rising from my now still and alert body. "I'm sorry," I whispered to Cheng as I clenched my jaw, closing my hands into fists. 

He didn't know me, right? It would be impossible-

"You okay?" Cheng suddenly asked, worried, looking at what I was staring at. His facial expression tried to reassure me as he shook his head lightly. "Don't worry about them. Everything's fine," he said, bending over the table. I could see how he struggled to impose himself from not touching me. 

I looked at him talking, but no words were reaching my ears. I couldn't hear anything aside from my heart pumping faster and faster against my chest. I didn't want to be there. That was so disgusting; everything was disgusting to me. I was disgusting. We looked disgusting in other people's eyes, a joke, even if there was nothing besides two people dining together. We made them laugh, I made them laugh for some reason, and I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Sorry, I need to go," I mumbled, putting some change on the table as I grabbed my stuff and rushed outside that damn place, leaving him shocked at his seat.

Opening the heavy and expensive restaurant door, I made my way out, bumping precipitously into someone. "Sorry," I mumbled straight away when I stepped back, watching the guy ignoring me and walking away as if nothing had happened... as if I was nothing.

Rubbing my tired face exasperatedly, I started looking around me, noticing that the dark had fallen on the city and that I had no clue where I was. Maybe I didn't recognize the way back' home' because I was panicking, panicking over a bunch of waiters who might be talking about me, perhaps because I was simply drunk, or probably because I had just a terrible sense of direction and I couldn't do anything about it. 

But all those thoughts slowly faded as my heartbeats started to amplify in my head, and my ears silenced everything around me, awakening some bittersweet memories.

The sound of my heart and deep breaths collided with the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks, and it seemed so real that for a second, I believed I was back home. As I turned my head, the scenery slowly played, and I was now watching my high school friends screaming for the cold water and splashing at each other, laughing heartlessly while some others were camping on the shore. 

I remembered how we feared the darkness and how we were afraid of going entirely into the water when everything got pitch black. Still, we would always use torches to reassure ourselves that everything was fine and nothing would ever happen to us. We were in control as long as we were together. 

The smell and the sound of the waves overtook the fear most of the time, cradling us into a safe piece of mind and making us forget about all our insecurities and difficulties for some time. That place was where we could be just ourselves, away from lies and mean people, from the society that wanted to change and shape us as they pleased. 

I would love to go back to those moments... so, so much. 

I would love to go back to the stolen kisses I used to receive while everybody was sleeping, even though everything got back to normal as the sun raised, just like nothing happened...

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply; the heat from the alcohol was steaming out of my body, making me shiver. I clenched my hands into fists, trying not to feel resentment and… pain. Things have to change anyway; nothing will ever stay the same. 

But why everything had to be that hard every single time? 

Why was I even there, away from the loved ones that now hate me? 

Why do people have to change?

"Chin Mae!" someone grabbed me tightly before my body could hit the ground, lifting me. I just want to stop thinking, Cheng, go away.

"Why do you keep running away?" he sighed as he put my arm around his neck. I ask myself the same exact question, and I still have no answer. "I will take you home; where do you live?"

"Mhm, hi..." I mumbled, smiling, realizing how my face was so close to his that I could smell his breath, rich in blood and good wine. I shivered weirdly, turned on and quickly lowered my face, ashamed of myself again. I hoped he could leave me somewhere on the street; I didn't want to tell him I was staying in a hostel. It was so degrading. It was so disgusting.

My body lost its strength, and Cheng squeezed me against him. "Hey, stay awake!" he shouted before I could blackout in his arms, which felt like home.

I could smell the sea…