Aiden stops just inside the door of my apartment and pulls off his hiking boots, puts them with the line of shoes against the wall. I add my Converse to the pile and lead him into the kitchen. I wish I’d cleaned up a little before his first time really seeing my place, but whatever. That’s not important right now, and it always looks like this, so. He was going to see it sooner or later.

“Coffee?” I offer, lifting the pot.

“Please, yeah.” Aiden sets his backpack down on the ground, his hat on the kitchen counter. I keep expecting him to put it on, but he doesn’t.

I’m so nervous that it’s actually making me clumsy. I fumble with the coffee filters and end up dropping the whole package on the floor. My stupid heart is throwing me off balance with its wild attempts to steer me closer to Aiden. I have to actively try not to fall on my face, bending to scoop everything up.

Aiden stands in the living room area, his eyes roaming over my stuff. He drifts to the bookshelf and runs his eyes along the titles there. Picks up a framed photo of Kasey and me as grinning little kids. An ice cream truck is in the background, and there’s a smear of mint chocolate chip on my hand, which is raised in a wave. A tiny smile flits across his face before he puts it back.

“Is Kasey here?” he asks.

“No.” I fill up the coffee pot with water, something I do literally every morning, so I don’t know why I’m doing such a bad job right now. “Just us.”

I wish I hadn’t put it like that. My own heart skips a beat at the words, and Aiden turns around to look at me. The coffee pot slips in my hands and lands in the sink with a loud thunk. Aiden moves around the counter and gently pulls it out of my hands. Our fingers brush together, and the ensuing spark races up my whole arm. I quickly let him take over, my face burning.

I guess we could sit on the couch, but that feels weird, more like a therapy session than a talk. Instead I fill up our mugs and lead us to my bedroom. Aiden doesn’t comment, only follows. It’s never been this weird between us before, never this quiet and uncomfortable. I don’t know if he’s here to friend-dump me, or what, and as a result I don’t know what to say or do with myself.

Aiden sits on my bed and pulls up his socked feet. I sit down next to him, but leave a good foot or so of space between us. He takes a sip of his coffee and sets it down on the windowsill. The trees outside are swaying in the afternoon sunshine, leaves rustling up against my window. Aiden reaches out, slides the glass up. A cool breeze rolls through the screen, picking up the steam from his mug.

That was part of how I knew he wasn’t at Ms. Callahan’s, when I pulled up there earlier. All of the windows were closed.

The silences we share are normally relaxed and easy. This is something different. I’m torn between the wild relief of knowing he didn’t leave forever, and the awkwardness that’s making me want to smash my face into the wall just so I can pass out and not deal with it.

The sunlight curls on Aiden’s cheekbones, the fringe of his eyelashes. The heat of my embarrassment is starting to make me sweat, so I pull off my flannel and toss it at the overflowing hamper in the corner. Adjust my t-shirt. The silence lives on.

I finally start to say something, right as Aiden does.

“Where did-?”

“Are you-?”

We both pause, then start again at the same time.

“Should I-?”

“Have you-?”

We both stop again, staring at each other, and this is too fucking ridiculous. I’m going to die.

“Aiden,” I groan, setting my mug on the night table. “I can’t take any more of this. Please just tell me what’s going on in your head. Where did you go, where have you been? I thought - I thought you-”

He presses his palms to his eyes and lets out a heavy exhale that sags his broad shoulders. He mumbles something I can’t make out.

“What? What did you say?” I’m hesitant to touch him, but I’m desperate for some kind of indication as to the direction this talk is headed. I pull his hands from his face, then let him go immediately. He reaches up to adjust his hat, which isn’t there. Drops his hand back onto my bed.

“I said I’m so fucking sorry,” he blurts out, all in a rush.

I blink at him, surprised.

“What?”

“Shit, dude, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I freaked the fuck out, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing,” I insist, and it takes every screed of restraint I have to not grab his hands. “It’s okay-”

“No, that was so unfair to you, I just...” He lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t even know where to begin with trying to explain myself. God. I shouldn’t have taken off like that, I just had to get away from everything for a bit, I needed time to think, and I had no idea what to say to you, and-”

“Hey,” I interrupt, if only to force him to breathe. “I understand. Honestly.” I tap his forehead with my index finger. “I know that it’s loud in there.”

He peers into my face, searching for something.

“Wait, you’re not like - totally furious with me?”

“Honestly, I’m just so fucking happy to see you,” I admit, even though saying so makes my cheeks flare. He pauses, his eyes lingering on mine.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I can’t believe how straightforward I’m being right now, but I feel like things are already so confused between us. We keep running circles around each other, and I can’t stand another minute of it. “I’ve been scared to death that I ruined everything, kissing you.” I hesitate, then ask the question that’s eating me up: “Did I?”

“No,” he says emphatically. “No, nothing that happened was your fault. It’s - sometimes I can hear my mom’s voice in my head, saying all this stuff that I - I had-” He stops, chewing his lip. “Just - you definitely didn’t ruin anything by kissing me.”

I stare at him, my head spinning, something warm unfolding in my chest.

“Oh.” I hear the rasp in my voice and clear my throat. “Thank god.”

“But-” he begins.

“No,” I groan, and he presses the tip of his finger over my mouth.

“Listen. You didn’t ruin anything by kissing me. But I’m not Roger.”

What? What is he talking about?

“Um. Yeah? I’m very aware.”

“I mean - I can’t be the guy who wants to be serious with you, while you’re looking for something casual. I thought I could deal with doing the casual thing, if that’s what you wanted, and just hold onto that for as long as I could, until you got tired of it... But not after - not after what happened. I won't be that guy. I can't. I am officially certain that I couldn’t handle it.”

I stare at him, wide-eyed, and then burst into laughter. I can’t help it. Aiden draws back, his blue eyes filled with hurt.

“What-?”

“No, I’m sorry, it’s just-” I take a breath, calming down. “Is that what you think I want? Something casual with you?”

“I-” He blinks at me. “When we talked about this stuff before, it sounded like that’s what you’re looking for, generally...”

“Yeah, but not with you. Do you really not realize how much I-? Oh, my god. Aiden. I was literally just about to - I fucking thought you left town forever again, when no one knew where you were, and I was about five seconds away from getting in my car to go try to find you. Like, seriously.” I unlock my phone and show him the text message I have pulled up. “I already asked Destinee to water my plants while I was gone.”

Aiden leans over my phone, reading the text. His eyes flick back up to mine, and I melt like a sugar cube at the most ridiculously adorable smile I’ve ever seen on his face.

“Oh,” he murmurs, suddenly a little shy. “And you’re, uh. Sure you want to be with someone with this much baggage?”

“Aiden, listen to me. I see you whole, and…” I poke his arm. “I really fucking like what I see, okay?”

He pins his lip between his teeth, staring at me for a long moment. The covers rustle as he shifts closer to me, closing the space I left between us. My breath stills in my mouth when he touches a hand to my face. His thumb runs over my cheek, and I feel it like a flash of lightning. Something wells up within me that makes me shiver, some level of all-consuming longing I didn’t know myself capable of.

He skates his lips over mine so softly.

Everything but him fuzzes out around me. My shaking fingers don’t know where to go. Where do you even start, with a man like Aiden? I lift a hand to rest on the slope of his chest, feel the sharp cut of his collarbone beneath my palm. He’s not just warm, he’s burning, and when I lean into the kiss, I feel the stutter of his heartbeat against my fingers.

I fall back onto the comforter half because I can barely hold myself upright, and half because I want him to land on top of me.

He falls with an elbow on either side of my head, his bottomless blue eyes flashing. He teases my mouth open with his and kisses me so deeply that my brain seems to short-circuit. I loop my arms around his neck, tangle my hands in his chestnut hair. He tastes like the caramel syrup I put in the coffee. I take his lower lip between both of mine, give it a soft nibble, dizzy with the way this feels.

He breaks away. I open my eyes, ready to scream with frustration, but instead find myself suppressing a gasp as his mouth finds my neck. The scratch of his stubble tickles a little, and his breath against my skin is intoxicating and intimate. I can barely believe this is happening.

“So, um,” I stammer, my fingers still buried in his hair, “Are you bi?”

“Mmmm, very much so,” Aiden hums, and drags his tongue directly up my larynx. Everything goes hazy for a moment, and a half-laugh, half-moan tears itself from my throat before I can stop it. A sound I would be embarrassed of, except that Aiden apparently liked it, because I feel his breath hitch against my neck in answer.

He pulls back and looks up, his blue gaze burning. Breathless, I can only stare at him, taking in that messed-up hair, the dazed look in his eyes, the way his broad chest is rising and falling under my fingers.

“Jamie,” he says, in a voice so low and heavy that I feel it rumble in my stomach.

“Yes?”

“We need - we need to stop for a second.”

I make a sound of protest so loud that it startles a huffing laugh out of Aiden. He takes my jaw in his hand and turns my head, forcing me to look at my room. I prop myself up on my elbows, staring.

Everything in my bedroom except for us and the actual furniture is hovering. Like, just floating, a foot or so above any surface. My books, the potted plants, even our coffee mugs - are held suspended in the air.

“What-?” I gape at the scene, then look at Aiden, abruptly remembering what he said about magic just happening when he’s feeling a lot.

“That hasn’t happened before,” he murmurs, surprised.

“So you’re telling me you don’t accidentally turn off gravity every time you make out with someone?” I ask, stroking his cheek with my finger. He looks back down at me, that blue fire sparking in his eyes again. “What’s going to happen if we have sex?”

The crimson blush in his cheeks grows even darker.

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not know? Don’t tell me you haven’t had sex before. I know you have, Melanie told me.”

“That’s not what I’m saying - wait, what the hell?” His eyebrows arch. “Melanie? She told you, what does that mean? Are you two like, comparing notes?”

A possibility occurs to me.

“Or maybe it’s because… is this your first time with a guy?” The treatment I'm getting speaks of experience, but maybe he's just a natural talent.

“No,” he says, tracing a finger along my hairline. “I mean I don’t know what will happen with you, specifically.” He nods at the floating contents of my room. “Like I said, this is a first-time occurrence.”

Oh, my god. The warm pleasure in my stomach spreads and spreads. The idea that I’m the only one who draws this out of him…

“Well, who cares?” I fold my arms around his neck again. “That stuff can float for a bit.”

“No, Jamie, seriously, if-” He takes a breath. “If we go any farther, you’re going to lose your security deposit. Like, for sure. Believe me, I want to keep going…” He brushes a gentle kiss against my lips. “But I need to calm down for a second.”

I let him go, and we both sit up in bed, rumpled and red-cheeked.

“I guess I could also stand to calm down a little,” I admit. “I wish you could feel how fast my heart is beating right now.”

A spark of frosty blue races across his eyes. He holds up a hand. “You know… I can.”

I twine my fingers through his, feel him open our connection just enough that our hearts can hear each other. His is galloping, just like mine. We both let out a stupid laugh. Everything weird and awkward between us falls away, and I’m overcome with relief, because I have my best friend back.

Aiden releases my fingers, closing the connection. He lifts a hand to my face, touches his thumb to the corner of my mouth. Then he leans over and places a soft kiss in the same spot, sending ripples of warm bliss through me...

“Oh, Aiden-” I point as every hovering thing in the room starts shaking, and he stops, turning to look.

“Oh, my fucking god. What am I doing?”

“Right, cause you said that you wanted to slow down-”

“Yes.” He blows out a long, frustrated breath, and it at least feels good to know that we're both suffering at the prospect. “We might have to, um. Work our way up to things.”

“That’s okay. Seriously, we’ll take it in degrees. As long as you need.”

Aiden smiles and opens his mouth to say something. My phone lights up on the bed, and I glance down: it’s Kent.

“I’ll call him back,” I say, but Aiden picks up the phone and hands it to me. “Fine, fine.” I press accept reluctantly. “Hello?”

“Jamie? Why aren’t you answering my texts?”

“Oh - I haven’t been looking at my phone, sorry.”

“Okay, well, you’ve got me freaked out. Aiden still isn’t back, I know you both told me not to worry, but I am. You sounded crazy on the phone last night, and now I hear basically nothing today, and he’s not picking up when I call him-”

“Didn’t you tell me last night that you’re not his dad?” I ask.

“Okay, fine, I changed my mind, I am his dad. Happy now? In fact, you do sound happy. Did you find him?”

“Yeah, he’s totally fine, there was just, um, a misunderstanding.”

“Cool, were you ever gonna call and tell me that? You guys are both jerks. I’m going out and getting two new sons.”

“We’re sorry! Don’t get new sons!”

“Then you better tell Aiden to get his ass back here right now. We’re going to have a talk about exactly what information needs to be conveyed before a member of this household goes missing for three days.”

I walk Aiden to the door, watch him put his snapback on and pull his bag onto his shoulder.

“I’ll text you,” he says.

“Okay.”

He bends to place a sweet, lingering kiss onto my mouth, ruffles my hair, and heads out.

When I return to my room, everything is back on its respective surface. Everything back to normal, except me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again.