Noah’s hand wobbled as he held his phone up. The same words repeated in his head.

‘I’m not taking a selfie because I’m a narcissist. This is important research.’

He took a photo and glowered at it. He took another photo. Then another. Eventually he had taken ten photos and hated all of them. He took one last photo and sighed. It would have to do.

He uploaded the photo to Incels.me while holding his breath. His nerves were set aflame and he felt like pacing through his house. He expected low ratings on his looks from the other incels but he knew he needed to see those bad ratings, anything to take him out of the fairyland he’d let himself fall in thanks to Chad. He lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he would ever get any sleep. Half an hour later, his drooping eyes gave him his answer.

When he arrived at school the next day, his jitteriness was not lost in Chad. ‘You okay?’ Chad asked as they sat down to eat at lunchtime.

‘I’m fine!’ Noah snapped at him.

‘Jeez, who woke up on the wrong side of the-’

‘I have no patience for clichés right now, Chad Thundercock.’

Chad’s cheeks cherried up. ‘What did you call me?’ The speed of his heartbeats would impress a bullet train.

Noah’s face turned into the colour opposite to the pill mentality he followed. He looked around the cafeteria and thanked the laws of nature that everyone was too busy talking to each other to overhear what he said.

‘I didn’t mean… it was an accident. I’ve heard people call popular guys Chad Thundercock, so it just kind of slipped out. It’s just a meme.’

A high-pitched and overly loud laugh came from Chad’s throat, his mind repeatedly telling his cheeks to turn down the heat and said cheeks refusing to listen. His eyebrows raised and pushed themselves together, creating wrinkles on his forehead.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Becky walked up to Stacy’s table, which was full of equally blonde and tan girls. She gestured to the one empty seat at the table.

‘May I sit?’

‘Um, I guess?’ one of the girls responded. ‘Why, though?’

‘I would like to get to know Stacy more.’

The girls at the table went, ‘Oooh!’ Stacy’s face went hot enough and her eyes grew big enough to make the sun jealous. Becky noticed this.

‘I see,’ she said. ‘I shall keep my reasoning between Stacy and me.’ As Becky sat down, Stacy looked away.

Another girl said in a nasal voice, ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s unusual for someone like you to want to be friends with someone like Stacy.’

Becky smiled. ‘Yes, friends. Well, Stacy approached me first.’

Never mind the sun, at this point Wolf-Rayet stars were probably envious of the heat coming from Stacy’s cheeks. The other girls leaned towards her. Becky crossed her arms as if expecting an answer.

‘Well, um, well, uh, I saw a photo of a fangtooth fish on her exercise book in science class,’ Stacy explained.

After a moment of silence came laughter. ‘That’s the reason?’ the nasally voiced girl asked. ‘What the hell is a fangtooth fish? Sounds gross. As if someone like you would like something gross like that! And wait, since when do you take science classes, Stacy? You do realise that’s not compulsory for seniors, right?’

‘Uh, well, it’s a…’ Each word Stacy said went quieter until nothing but her breaths could be heard. Becky gave her a warm smile and the other girls a cold glare.

‘The fangtooth fish is a deep-sea fish,’ she explained. ‘I thought it would be fitting for me to put a deep-sea fish on the cover of a book that encourages me to dive deep into how the world works. It’s a symbol of curiosity and I am glad Stacy noticed it. It may look gross but I still find it more encouraging to look at than a group of pretty girls who belittle their friend’s interests.’

The girls stared at Becky in stunned silence. Breaking the silence, the nasal girl asked, ‘Do you think you’re smarter than us or something?’

Now it was Becky’s turn to stare in silence. After a while she bowed her head and apologised. ‘I shouldn’t let intellectual snobbery take over me. I hope you know that your appearance is unrelated to my view of your intelligence. After all, Stacy is visually appealing and I don’t find her to be particularly unintelligent. I should go.’

As Becky stood up with her tray, so did Stacy, who apologised to the other girls and followed Becky to another table.

‘I’ve accomplished my mission,’ Becky said with a smile that grew bigger when Stacy raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve learnt more about you. And in such a short time! You like deep-sea creatures and your friends are a little bitchy.’

‘They’re not bitchy! I swear they’re nice.’

Becky chuckled. ‘Then why did your voice get quieter at the word ‘nice’?’

‘And besides, it’s not deep-sea creatures I like, per se,’ Stacy revealed as she repeatedly stabbed her mash potato with her fork. ‘It’s sea creatures in general.’

‘I’ve got to admit, I’ve never heard of someone getting a crush on someone because of a fangtooth fish. Do their strong jaw muscles make your heart race?’ Becky winked and decided to test Stacy with the next question. ‘Or is it their ability to see in the dark?’

‘They have terrible eyesight, actually. You of all people should know.’

Becky leaned in closer, once again bringing heat to Stacy’s cheeks. ‘Marry me.’

Stacy pushed her head away. ‘Shut up! There are loads of people around. And besides, what made you want to get to know me? I thought you wanted to focus on school.’

It took Becky a while to answer, and during that break she stole a forkful of mashed potato from Stacy’s plate, earning a little whine from her. She laughed before swallowing the mash.

‘I’ve been thinking about it and I realised I’m fine. I’m doing fairly well in school so there’s no need for me to hold off on interpersonal relationships. If you haven’t changed your mind, I’d be happy to go out with you.’

Stacy covered her mouth but the creasing in her eyes told Becky that she was smiling. The blonde girl nodded and the brunette held out her hand.

‘Can I put my number in your phone?’

After swapping numbers, the two ate and talked about sea creatures until they had no food left. At that point they chatted about school until the bell rang.

Instead of paying attention in class, Noah scratched his itch by looking at his phone, which finally had more gigs of data. He went on Incels.me and felt his heart drop.

Ropeornope- You look disgusting. You’ve got no chin and your eyebrows are giant bushes. I’d say a 1/10. Find a sub-3 girl and you’ll have a chance. Maybe.

Ricecel- I’d say you’re a 3/10, but your tiny wrists threaten to put that number into the negative. Like, dude, you sure you’re a guy? My dick’s thicker than both of those things combined.

Lookcel404- 2/10. No femoid’s going to go after a deformed chinless dude like you. And why has no one pointed out your eyes? You look like a fucking femoid with them, so your only hope is to go for a pseudo-lesbian or some shit like that.

There were several more but the teacher asked Noah a question so he didn’t look at the rest. When school ended, Chad asked Noah if he could hang out at his place.

When Noah asked why, Chad responded, ‘I’m curious. I want to see what it looks like.’

‘Am I some kind of zoo animal?’ Noah asked with a sneer, but he ended up leading Chad to his place in his old beat-up car, with Chad driving behind him in his shiny new car.

The wide one-story house stood in the middle of two palm trees whose dark leaves made the creamy walls stand out. The pebbled walkway to the house was lined with punch bowl godetias and California poppies. Between the letterbox and the stone-bordered pond was a grey limestone statue, about the height of the letterbox, of a cat sitting on a pillar. That statue made Chad forget about his initial disappointment upon seeing such a quaint, normal house.

When Noah opened the door, he was greeted by the loud meow of a silver cat with carbon-grey stripes. Chad was about to take in the features of the house’s interior but this kitty was much too distracting.

She rubbed herself against Chad’s legs. Noah chuckled. ‘Even cats like Chads, apparently,’ he said as he picked her up. He grabbed her paw and shook it up and down. ‘This is Mittens. Mom chose the name, so don’t call me a normie.’ Chad lightly tapped the cat’s head. Noah frowned and grabbed Chad’s hand, stroking the soft-furred cat with it. ‘Do it properly. Mittens deserves the best.’ The sudden grin on Noah’s face spread warmth throughout Chad’s heart.

Noah’s bedroom was a mix of expected and unexpected things. There were anime posters on the walls and figurines in a display cabinet, of course, but there were also model planes in that same cabinet. The bed was covered with a knitted quilt decorated with kittens. Near the door was a large wooden desk with a gaming laptop on it. Next to the laptop was a mirror.

The mirror faced the other way, so Chad turned it and saw a little crack in the corner. Noah stormed up to him, shoved his hand away and put it back.

‘I’ll die if I look into that damn thing again. I’d break it, but it’d make me look even uglier.’

Chad chuckled with a raised eyebrow. ‘What? Who told you you’re ugly?’

Noah sat on the bed, wrapping his fingers around his slender wrists. ‘Haven’t you got eyes? Look at these skinny things! They’re probably smaller than the average dick. I shouldn’t have bothered teaming up with you. I’m ugly as sin, practically deformed.’ He ran his hand up his neck and rested it against his chin. ‘My chin’s weak. Maybe if it was a few inches longer, I’d be able to get any girl interested, but no. I’m stuck with this chin and this overgrown nose and these pimples that make me look like I’ve got the plague. I’m surprised no foid has fainted in horror when looking at me yet.’ When he saw Chad stare at him, he covered his face.

Chad walked up to him and leaned down towards him, grabbing his wrists and dragging them down. Noah flailed but wasn’t strong enough. Chad let go of one of his wrists and took off his glasses, getting a closer look at him. He pushed his bangs away.

‘What are you talking about? You’re…’

There weren’t many pimples on Noah’s face, at least no more than Chad did most of the time. His nose wasn’t overgrown at all despite what he claimed, just slightly Romanesque. He was right about his chin not being huge but he seemed to miss the fact that it made his face look soft and welcoming.

As Noah bit his medium-sized lips in embarrassment, Chad basked in their sultriness. To him they were the absolute perfect size.

Noah’s thick eyebrows prevented his large round eyes from overwhelming his face, though those eyes were what Chad focused on the most. They were a brilliant shade of peridot and framed by long lashes.

Chad gulped, his eyes making him look like a fish on land. ‘… hot…’

Noah mustered enough strength to push his arms off him and take his glasses back. ‘Thanks, way to make me feel great about wearing glasses. You’re a real charmer, you.’

As he put them back on, he saw that Chad was continuing to gawk at him. ‘Still… hot…’ Chad whispered. ‘Then again, glasses are my…’ He coughed the final word away, straightened his back and walked back to the mirror, picking it up and showing it to him. Once again Noah covered his face and, just as before, Chad pulled his hands away. ‘See? You’re fine. What kind of girl would run away from this?’

Instead of looking at his reflection, he looked up at Chad. As their eyes met they just stared at each other in wide-eyed silence.

Tears built up in Chad’s eyes. He blinked them away and dropped the mirror onto Noah’s lap. He picked up his bag and rushed out of the room.

Even after escaping the house, Chad could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body. Shivers kept swimming down his skin and his hands became drenched in sweat.

‘Fuck,’ he hissed. ‘Not again.’