I feel myself crumble into pieces, and I can’t hold it back any longer. “Mirror shut up. I didn’t know the word for who I was until high school. I couldn’t be me because I didn’t even understand the basics. I see you as the part of me I need to let go of to feel ok again. You don’t get it. We’re like a toxic relationship. I don’t want this anymore. It isn’t healthy. It’s tearing me up. Stop playing the victim card, when you are the one causing the pain we both endure. I try to stay silent so that others don’t deal with my bullshit, but you can’t shut your mouth. Throw as much venom as you desire, so that I can take that, observe it, and make a goddamn antidote out of your toxicity. You can’t drag me around anymore. I am not your toy.”
My reflection speaks loudly and clearly and I listen through her thoughts before saying a word. “You really think you’re standing up for yourself, huh? Let me be honest with you. Your life may not be perfect, but at least you have one. I am but a reflection. I am not in the main vessel. You act like I have control over you, yet that would only happen if you gave me it. Or, you just aren’t strong enough to push me away.” I clench my hand into a fist, “I am not playing the victim card honey, I’m telling you what I’VE observed. Don’t act so innocent, you know what I’m talking about. I’m not the one dating anyone who seems interested out of lonely desire. I’m not the one jumping into everything head first like I have already mastered it. If anyone is being a toy for the other, it is I. I grew up without a real family, like you. Dysfunctional people who made everything we did have consequences, the only creatures understanding were the two dogs. One passed away when we were 7, and the other when we were 9. We were lonely. Our only family after losing the dogs was a kid who mutually never opened up to us. I had to endure a father who would throw me in the corner the moment I made a mistake, and praised my brother for apologizing for his. You really think nothing would sprout from that? You think hatred wouldn’t grow? Your family says you’re angry at your father for being abusive. But in truth you’re angry at everyone. Including yourself. You know as well as I do that losing dad made life easier and harder. Having guys show up at the house to court your mother at 15 years old must have been a shock. Learning that no one listens except for those who never stay. It hurt. I became that hurt. If I am poisonous then it makes your whole life poison. Stop lying to yourself. You are the only one who listens to yourself without running away, and you know it. You can’t let anything go yet you say you’ll be able to let me go? I am everything you have held onto, memories you’ve forgotten or blurred, emotions you want to run away from. Don’t lie to us.”
I speak up calmly once she has finished, “Mirror you did not hold on to everything. You held onto the pain that I didn’t want to deal with, but you always shove it in my face. Everyone that you meet that talks to you obtains your poison. I only want your venom to speak truth on those who are toxic. Not attack my closest friends with it. Why can’t you just talk to me for support instead of spreading it to everyone else? We shouldn’t be burdening others with what we’ve dealt with unless they want to hear it. Both of us are victims of our own games. It isn’t just me, and it isn’t just you. Don’t lie to the both of us acting like you are the only victim.”
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