“You know I can’t keep my mouth shut because you made me that way. We feel empty because we don’t let anything permanently fill the gap. We have only fallen in love twice, but it feels like too much. We get lectured about how we haven’t learned enough from what we’ve dealt with. We’ve had fake memories we have created just to mature quicker. I am suffering more than a seventeen year old should ever have to deal with. I feel like I’ve lived over 9 lives, more than a cat. I can barely hold on to what I have. I can guarantee that I am female because you aren’t very attracted to me. When will I be who you want me to be? When will we finally have someone to hold us, not together, but just hold us? When will we find the love we need to feel warmth? The wait is more than painful for someone who feels as though they’ve waited lifetimes. When will others know their own emotions before we detach too soon?”
“Reflection, we have gone through so many struggles because we haven’t been loved in the way that would truly help us. We’re stuck looping similar relationships until somebody comes along and changes things up. We are blind in love, and we both know the third person is on their way. And we aren’t close to being ready. Reflection, please talk less for everyone’s sake. Save speech for when it should happen. Please try to control the parts of you that are hard to control for everybody.” I murmur the last two sentences, nervous at being attacked by my reflection.
“I don’t know,” my reflection sighs, “I have so much turmoil I can’t let out. We are both terrified of it building to the point of an explosion. What the hell can I do to control it all? I can’t just keep my mouth shut, not with tape or just taking my mouth off. I want support but not selfishly. I hate being this way. I hate uncontrollable speaking urges. I hate the numbness my poison causes for myself and others. I hate having to speak up if I get angry. I hate being unable to relay most of my feelings through words. We used to do it so well when you were truly in charge, but now that I seem to be taking over things have gotten nearly impossible unless we’re flirting with someone. I hate this so much. Why can’t we catch a break to heal us from the last cut we received? It’s getting ridiculous.” My reflection sighs again, but with a deeper pitch.
I realize then, that I’m beginning to see this dark gloomy side as a part of me. Because female is not what I am. My reflection is starting to become something I see as a part of myself, but there’s still much work to be done before I can go all the way. I hope to grow and become stronger through my different pieces.
Thank you for reading my short story, I hope you found solace knowing you aren’t the only one going through hard emotional turmoil within yourself. Stay tuned for more stories!
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