« I am afraid. So afraid. When I look at the sky, before it was blue; today, I can’t even see it anymore. It is not cloudy or dark. It’s like if this blue stretch became the side of a giant transparent cube, in which I only can see the void. When I look at my feet, the ground doesn’t exist anymore. It changed, just like the sky. I am afraid to move forward now. I don’t know where my path is. Everything is blurry around me and it makes me anxious. Should I go to my left or to my right? Is it the right direction, or on the contrary, should I keep walking straight ahead?

At family dinners, sat down in the middle of no less than ten persons, the same subjects fill the atmosphere of the room. All is about the future: school, work, relationship plans. I listen to all these mouths talking about their little pleasures, their wonderful moments, while my gaze is looking down at my plate still filled with delicious food, dreaming of a perfect life. Then, comes my turn. I shrug in answer to all their questions. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know what I want to do and where I see myself working for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to get married, to have children. I don’t know any answer to those questions and it scares me. It terribly scares me.»

I do not know if he had any fears. If he had one then I never knew about it. I do not talk about small fears like the one of insects, storms or anything else. I speak of fears that can paralyze you, prevent you from living. Fears that are the results of wounds. Fears that have no cure.

If I search in my memories, I do not hear him tell me one of those fears. I do not hear him say that he was afraid of abandonment, of death, of not being loved or good enough. I do not hear him say those words. If he had one of those fears, I apologize to him. I apologize to him for not hearing his voice. I apologize for letting his fear suffocate him. But today it's me who's afraid.

Today, where am I supposed to go?

At night, boats have the right to their lighthouse to illuminate and guide them. What do I have left today? Where is the light that should guide me to the coastline? Where is this heat that must reassure me at night?

I'm afraid of what tomorrow is hiding from me. Overnight time stopped as I continued to move foward. From one day to the next everything that I kept preciously in my hands was taken away from me. From one day to the next the armor I wore was rermoved from me. The walls that protected me fell apart. Walking had become difficult. I do not know if I have to keep going straight, if I can venture on another path and if I can go to the right or to the left. I do not know which direction to take. I feel disoriented. No I am disoriented. When he was still by my side I knew my position in my own life. From now on I do not know anymore. I'm lost. Life that had been so beautiful and filled with colors became empty and colorless.

Now I cannot answer any questions. I do not know what to say. Would I prefer to eat Italian or Japanese? Would I prefer to stay at home or go abroad for holidays? Cold or hot? Red or green? What choice should I make? Even the simplest of questions becomes a nightmare. Without him by my side I am lost. It's as if he had left me alone in a world I did not know. As if he had given me a map and he had suddenly disappeared and I had to find him in the capital of a country that is not mine. He was my landmarks and now that he's gone, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.

Everything scares me. I cannot close my eyes at night. I cannot find myself in the dark and listen to the silence. I cannot bear to see the gates of Hell every time my eyelids are closed. I cannot listen to the voices screaming to death. When the sun rises, its light burns me and sends me back directly to the hell of the night. Every noise makes me jump. The sounds of the city make me sick. Every step I take, every inspiration I take are a fight. The looks of people express only compassion, pity and sadness. Each face reminds me of the misfortune that has descended upon my life. So I keep my head down the whole day, not having the strength or the courage to raise it. I'm afraid to meet those looks. I am afraid to see the mouths open to give me their condolences. I'm afraid of what I can meet in the pupils. I am afraid to understand the words that form on the lips. I'm afraid of what I can say. I'm afraid of what people can see in my eyes. Everything scares me. Noises, sensations, emotions, feelings and especially touch.

The world is now for me a room whose walls are dangerously moving closer to my body to crush me.