It has been almost a year to the day since that travesty of a day happened. My days seem to be going by in a daze. I put all my focus on work and my body. Trying to change myself by bettering myself to where I love myself. However, questions still come to mind: What did I do? Was I selfish? Was I not good enough?

My therapist told me when we are blinded by pleasing others we often forget to please ourselves as well. When we do this we never truly find ourselves... so we slowly lose ourselves. Even though that makes perfect sense, I still feel like now I have to walk on eggshells around people. Cautious. It's easier to not put myself in a position to get close to people because it seems as if no matter what happens, people leave. But she also told me, some people can help you find yourself if you let them. Even when you don't intentionally let them, somehow they end up making their way into your life and helping you realize your worth. But… How do we know?

Love is so scary now. Not just the intimate love of a lover, but love with a friend, coworkers or family members. My girlfriend left then not even two months later I lost my dad. In the hour of grieving and heartbreak, I had no one. My mother was trying to heal and I had to be strong for her… but I had no one to be strong for me. I am scared to get attached because once everything feels secure, I already feel it slipping from my grasp.

…….

“Lt. Mala!” I heard my name being said as I glanced up from the computer.

“Yes, Sergeant Rodgers?” I stood and shook his hand.

The sergeant was an elder man with no hair, but was built as if he could still whoop somebody's ass. He may be 56 but don't let his age fool you. He is as intimidating as they come. And if you grew up watching cop shows or whatever… This guy is textbook material.

“Lt. how are you doing? How are you liking the new title?” he asked with a slap on my back.

“Same as being as before, just with more paperwork.” I chuckled out as I gestured toward my desk. It was over flowing with cases and files that needed to be chunked out the window at this point.

He chuckled, “I see. I am about to head to lunch with a few co-workers, care to join?”

“I can’t today, I am actually meeting up with my mother for lunch in about an hour.” I gave a weak smile.

“How is she doing lately?” Sergeant frowned a bit. I looked anywhere but his eyes and took a deep breath.

“She is doing okay, I guess. My father wouldn’t want her to be acting this way, but they were together for so long, then he was just gone.” I stopped to think how one day I was talking with my father about something over the phone, then the next day I was rushing to New Jersey to see him one last time. I shake my head and glance back up at him, “But we are healing. Slowly but surely.” I gave a small smile.

“I know son, but everyone grieves differently. Be patient with her.” he gave my shoulder a squeeze then left.

I sat back down and glanced at the photo of my father, mother, and I when I was 5. I smiled as I recalled the memory. We were at the local farmers market, and we were covered in different jams and jellies because my dumbass thought it would be funny to run around and not pay attention to where I was going. Well one thing led to another and next thing I know, my mom, dad, and I were covered in sticky sweetness. We were laughing so hard, and someone captured the photo. However, no one mentions how my dad was pissed when we had to pay over a hundred dollars to replace what was broken. Even though it was a sticky mess, we never laughed as hard as we did.

I placed the frame back down and finished what I needed, then headed to the diner a few blocks down from the office to meet my mother. I stepped inside and frowned when I saw her. Her black hair was not as luscious and full as it once was, and she had dark circles and bags under her eyes. She does not look well.

“Hi ma.'' I wrapped her up in a tight hug before I sat down in front of her.

“How are you Zaire?” she asked as she gave a small smile.

“I am good. But more importantly, how are you? What are you doing here all of a sudden?” I was curious when she called me yesterday and said she was going to come into the city. She hated the city, the disaster that happened a year ago was one of the last few times she came into town. I knew something is up.

“I came to check on you son. It's been a year since...” she trailed off and did not meet my gaze. I sigh softly and give her the best smile I could.

“I'm doing really good Ma. I promise. But what about you?” I am not going to worry her more.

She gave a sad smile. “Son, I am thinking of selling the house.” She took a sip of water then looked back at me. I blinked in disbelief. I'm not angry... More shocked.

“Mom, that was our home for many years, are you sure you want to do that?” I asked calmly.

“I have Zai. My heart can't take this anymore. I miss him so much. He was a great man, sweety. And he loved you more than you ever realized. When he died, I honestly thought he died from worry. But, even though he knew you were going through so much, he had so much faith in you. And look at you. Lieutenant at the NYPD. You rebuilt yourself and he would be so proud.” she started to cry and I moved from sitting in front of her to beside her and wrapped her up tightly. I let her cry for a bit because it seems as if she needed to cry. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I need to be strong for her.

Yea mom. I am doing perfect. Please keep thinking that. I never want you to worry about me when you are so broken yourself.

“Mom, if that is what you want, then I respect your decision. I want you to be happy. I want you to be able to go home and not feel broken. If you want I can help you get things together to put it on the market. I know dad loved me. His words of encouragement helped me start coming out of my funk.”  She glanced up at me with wide eyes.

She smiled as tears filled her eyes again, “Zaire, you are the best son. Thank you.”