A couple of taps on the front door bring me out of my "second home", so to speak. My gaze darts to the clock hanging above the windows in my room. 8 in the morning, it reads.
"Who could it be this early?" The incoherent mutter alerts me, a mental check of the people I know passing through my mind.
I approach the door with discomfort in each step. Reaching for the handle, I stare through the peep hole, identifying the person at my doorstep. I roll my eyes and open the door to be greeted by Alexei.
"Hi," He greets me with a sheepish smile before continuing, "I know it's early, but the people next door are going at it again. Can I crash here until I have to get to work?"
I step aside, letting him in without a word, only a bit of gesturing. With breakfast in hand, he enters my home. Once he's in, I close the door and follow him to the table.
"You can stay in the guest room," I tell him, sitting across from him.
"Thanks. I got you your usual." His eyes stick to the food before him, not even glancing at me for a second.
I nod in response and get up, heading to my room to clean my mess and myself. Although, I don't think there's a difference between us.
"Oh, come on," He groans in disapproval, adding, "You're not gonna do anything? Not even first base?"
Heat rises to my cheeks at the words he says to me, hitting one of my many weak spots. Of all the points he could hit, he chose the one that'll stick with me for a while.
"I'm sure you're thinking of letting him sleep with you," He continues, striking the hole in my chest with another one of his needles. "Like the slut you are."
As I stand before the door, I lean against it, my body feeling heavy in the heat of the moment, and sink to the floor in disappointment at the main fact that he has a point.
"That was when we first met," I hiss, holding onto the last bit of my dignity he can't touch.
"It's different now?" He asks me, surprise laced in his words.
There are times when my words, thoughts, and actions catch up to me and slap me in the face. This is one of those moments. It's teaching me not to desire what's never going to be mine. What is never going to be mine will always remain that way, much like Alexei.
"Yes," I reply, hoping to get him off my back for now.
"I'm sure it is," He taunts me yet again, sinking me deeper into his pit of darkness.
I find it hard to believe that something like him, a being conjured up from the pain I've endured, can hurt me so much. When did it all turn out this way? Why did I give him so much power to break me down?
"I can either make you or break you, sweetheart. Make your choice."
"How can you break something that's already broken?"
"Cy!" Alexei shouts from my living room as if trying to get me out of bed.
My mind returns from its trip of desperation, coming back to me slowly, reminding me that I still have a life to lead. I rise from the floor, realizing I hadn't slept a wink in days. Not to mention, my hygiene has gone down quite a bit. A bitter chuckle betrays me as the sound echoes in the silence, living one last time before I put on my first show of the morning.
I open my door and walk out as though I'm perfectly fine. How much longer will I be able to put on such a vivid act of perfection to make those around me satisfied?
"Alexei," I greet him, entering my living room with a pip in my step. "What's the problem?"
I come to a halt in the middle of the room, staring at the person who's come to ruin my day before it's started. A crooked yet charming smile graces my features, hoping it's enough for Alexei to be reassured.
"Presley." The greeting sickens me to the point of no return as I hold back the disgust building inside me. "What brings you here? I thought we weren't going to see each other again."
"I came by to return a few things." He gestures to the box he holds in his hands, faking a smile like I am.
"Burn them." The words fly from my lips in an instant as a reflex to situations like these.
I find it rather appropriate to end things this way. Keeping things we've touched and used would be clinging to the brief past we share. I have no intention of doing so.
"What?" Alexei asks in disbelief and shock, the look on his face resembling Presley's.
"Why would I burn them?" He inquires, placing the box down beside him.
"If you won't burn them, I will." All reasoning and realistic ideations leave my mind with each second ticking by.
All I want is for him to leave me alone for the rest of our lives. It seems that's too much to ask of him. The least he can do is to burn my belongings and let go. What's wrong with that?
"Do you wanna forget about me that badly?"
My eyes widen at the question presented to me. I would hate to admit it, but the questions alone bring a few things to mind. Things I would want to bury for the rest of my life. It's harsh to end things like this, but I don't care.
"How can you break something that's already broken?"
It was a question I asked him and myself, but he couldn't give me one and I can't give myself one. In the same way that he couldn't give me the answer I want to hear, I can't give him the one he wants to hear.
"Yeah," I utter the best response to end things, my smile fading into a thin line.
The title I gave him as my boyfriend was nothing more than an empty and meaningless title that makes him happy. In the end, we have nothing in common other than the facts that we're not virgins, we're men and we're gay. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Have a good life." I leave with him with the same words I've left with my ex-boyfriends.
It's the last good thing I can do before we never see each other again like the heartless bastards we are. Without another minute to spare, he turns away from me, his back facing me, as he runs out of my apartment, leaving behind the last piece of my "heart".
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