As I often do every morning, whether or not I want to choose to accept it for what it is, I awake to an empty bed. Waking up has never been a pleasure for me since the beginning of my life and even now. There is always 3 seconds when my mind is fresh and I feel ‘normal’, but like all good things, it ends before I can beg it to stay.

Much like every other morning, my eyelids are drooping and laden with fatigue. Soon, my eyes are open long enough to register everything. My brain becomes overwhelmed all over again as if it’s all new, fresh and raw. I wish I can linger in that blissful ignorance of waking or else never sleep.

There’s always something about this time of my day that I find to be the highlight, only this time, it’s the worst part. The wonderful night I spent with him hits me like a brick wall. I know for a fact that it’s nothing more than a one night stand, but something inside me hoped I could wake to him at my side.

“You know that will never happen. Quit lying to yourself,” He whispers in my ear, reminding me of the harsh truth I’d forgotten after a night of being heaven. “Welcome back to hell.”

Manic laughter erupts from inside him as though he’s a volcano overflowing with lava. Yet, for some reason, I don’t have the energy to disagree with him. For me to disagree with him would be like wearing rose-coloured glasses and seeing things from his perspective.

Doing that would mean I’ve come to accept the hand I’ve been dealt with, despite all my years trying to rewrite the destiny I walk towards. I take every other path just so I can defy something greater than myself. In the end, is it worth it?

What will I get out of it except a ‘happy’ life? I have nothing to gain in walking this path of destruction, depression and everything evil in this world, but I still do it. Why? Because I’m stubborn? Because I’m a fool? Or is it because I’m too much of a coward to face the real truth?

I don’t know and I doubt I’ll ever find the answer I’m looking for. As much as I enjoy defying something greater than myself, I don’t enjoy days like this. The days when I lay in bed by myself, hoping so desperately that I can cling to someone who doesn’t even want to be with me and can’t be with me.

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” I ask him, rolling over onto the other side of the bed where Aurelius once laid.

“Looks like you’re finally done fooling yourself. So, how was it?" He responds with another question for me, almost sounding interested in my life.

“How was what?” I reply with a question, acting as though I know nothing of what he’s referring to.

I know exactly what he’s referring to, but I don’t want to talk about it. As I twiddle with a small bundle of the sheets in my fingers, the numbness in my heart subsides for a moment as I look back on last night and the times before that.

The entire time I’ve known Aurelius, the time we’ve spent together was either for a hookup, the banquet and when I was sick. When did I find time to get so attached him as if I want more out of whatever we have going? What about him makes me feel like I want to be in a relationship?

“How was it hiding behind the shadow shielding you from everything you’ve been avoiding?” The question pierces through the steel walls I put up around me and aims straight at my weakest link.

I need to come to terms with the fact that the single night I shared with him is nothing more than a fling to add to the list. All the care in the world he showed for me was just his way of saying sorry.

Even though I know that none of what we went through means anything, I still can’t help holding onto the last fragments I can muster. Holding onto things isn’t like me at all. Becoming attached to a person isn’t like me at all.

The etching sound of familiar footsteps moving around across the floors of my apartment is enough to remind me that I have a life to lead. But I had forgotten about it. I had forgotten everything and could only remember Aurelius and how much I wanted to make him into something I doubt he can be.

So much that it had shaken me up as though I heard the world was going to end. It uprooted my sanity and turned my life upside down. I became this person set out to make him angry and upset that I forgot about my own problems and the reason why I went to his office.

“It was fun while it lasted, but it’s about time I return to my life. Don’t you think so?”

As I stare at the small bundle between my fingers, I can’t help wondering what I’ve been doing with my life ever since I met him. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s gotten better. Nothing has been going as I expected it to.

“I should get up, shower, and get my life back together before I have to go see her again.”

With that sense of determination, I sit up in bed, struggling to even stay still for long enough to wrap the sheets around myself. Strangely enough, my back and ass don’t even hurt as much as I expected them to.

Instead of the usual, excruciating pain, a dull pain resides in my lower back as I sit there, trying to gather enough strength to move around. It’s almost as if my body doesn’t even want to get out of bed anymore. Have I gotten to that point again? I don’t want Alexei to worry.

“It’s best if I distract myself before I sink any deeper. Let’s start the day while I still want to.”