“Ma, I swear you should have become a chef.” I say as I sat down to stuff my face.

“I agree, your son is a great cook but this is better. Sorry babe.” Joziah grins as he stuffs his face as well.

“Rude.” I teased as I ruffled his hair.

“So how long have y'all been partners?” mom asked with a smile on her face.

I glanced at Joziah and we both counted on our fingers. “A little over 4 months maybe 5?” he answers.

“Yes honestly, I can't remember.” I nod in agreement.

“So why haven't you told me about him before? Are you ashamed? Or worried I wouldn't approve?” my mother looks almost in tears.

“Ma, why are you crying? And approve? Why would I worry about you not approving?” I ask as I take another bite of food.

“Because you are dating a man.” she says calmly.

Both Joziah and I choke on our food. I chug my water to get to breath.

“What?” I huff out.

“Yeah, you and your partner. Are you worried I wouldn't approve? After Nat, I honestly could have cared less if you dated a unicorn. As long as it got you out of your funk. But you look so happy. So who am I to care if you date a man. I may be old fashioned, but I want you to be happy. And from what you have told me, seems as if you really like one another. ”

“Uh. Ma. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Mrs. Mala, I am so sorry for the confusion, but I'm not dating your son.” Joziah gives her a small smile

“Oh, well you kept talking about your partner i thought..” she looks shocked and embarrassed.

“Ma, I meant my as Police Partner.” My face is red, Joziahs is red, and my moms is red. 

“Well, Okay.” then she turns to Joziah, “Is my son not good enough for you?”

My face went still in horror. I looked at Joziah, and this bastard looks calm and collected.

“No it's not that Mrs. Mala. Zaire is great. He is an amazing person. Caring and thoughtful. But, I have a girlfriend back home. He has been helping me patch things up with her. She works all the time. He is honestly my best friend.” His gaze meets mine and smiles bright.

“What's her name?”

“Bridgette.” he says with a smile. 

My heart starts to hurt. They are talking about her, and I tune them out. I know I need to get a grip on my feelings but I can't. Maybe I should separate from him for a while? Maybe him marrying this girl is the best for both of us.

That thought makes me want to puke in disgust. Anyone else but her.

I excuse myself and made my way back to the bedroom. I lay down and close my eyes, and within seconds I am out.

I feel the bed shift, and a warm body next to mine. Half asleep I wrap my arm around the warmth and let the darkness take over again.

I'm jolted awake by another dream. This time it's Natalie.

My heart is beating and sweating as I gasp for air.

“Zaire? You ok?” I hear Joziah ask sleepily.

“Yeah, sorry. Go back to sleep.” I shuffle and sit up against the wall. I close my eyes and soak up its coolness.

“What happened?” I feel the bed creak and a shoulder bump against mine.

I sighed, “Just a dream. Nothing to worry about.”

We are quiet for a minute then I feel an arm wrap around me. I lean into the embrace without a second thought. “I dreamt of the proposal.”

He nodded and tightened his arm around me. “I am over it but i wish i could have closure. One day. One day I am going to see her and the first thing I ask is, ‘Why’. I just need to know. Was I not good enough? Attractive enough? Did she find someone else? What the fuck did I do? I noticed all these signs and yet I chose to ignore them. This is all my fault.”

He doesn't say anything. He lightly strokes my hair. He knows when to not say anything. I appreciate that so much.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Mint. So calming.

"The day with Jordan, what happened? you seemed to have shut down."

I hear him sigh, as if he is gathering his thoughts. "Well, as you heard, we were in the same group over seas. We saw a lot of things. Things I really dont want to talk about. But seeing him like that, lost, scared, confused, having flashbacks... I am scared that its going to happen to me. I mean I struggle but not as bad as he does or other guys do. But in the back of my mind I always have that fear one day I am going to snap. Something is going to trigger it. Send me back to hell."

"Have you thought about help?" 

"I see someone once a month, and they told me if things become worse to call and I could see them more. But thankfully nothing has triggered or happened. I have nightmares every now and then but nothing..."

"Nothing like Jordan. Have you spoken to Bridgette about it?" 

He sighs, "Kind of. She knows some about what happened, but she really did not want to hear much because it was, as the way she put it, 'to much'." 

I sat there in confusion, "To much? She didn't have to go through it you did. at least she could offer some love or just be a listening ear." 

He goes quiet.

"I am just scared." He whispers. 

"There is nothing wrong with being scared. From what I can tell, you are very strong. You have a good head on your shoulders, and you seem to be happy. Finding outlets is what my therapist told me. So, I bike. maybe you need to find an outlet. Keep your brain moving and mind not so in the dark."

I feel him shrug beside me. 

“Why are you still with Bridgette?” I ask as I breath in his scent.

“I love her.”

“You love her, but you don't seem happy.”

He sighs, “You’re not there when it's just us. When she is home and not working. She is a lot of fun and different.”

“How did y'all meet?” I asked curiously.

“In Chicago. It was about 3 or 4 years ago. But we didn't stay in contact. We bumped into each other in New yolk not long after and caught up. I was there visiting a friend. One thing led to another and yeah. We did the long distance thing for a while then I moved in with her. Bridgette is really great. I just… I never expected things to change. I mean I uprooted my entire life. I left everything. My family, friends, all to be with her because I do love her.”

“But you don't seem happy.'' I whispered. 

I feel his head lean on mine. I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

My phone buzzes.

“Hey could you hand me my phone off the side table?” I asked while not opening my eyes.

He shifts and grabs it. I hear a snort and a belly laugh and I open my eyes to see him staring at my phone.

“What?” I smirk knowing good and well what he is laughing at.

He turns his phone and shows me my home screen. It is the photo of him and the fire extinguisher.

“I wasn't lying. It's a cute photo.” I boldly say.

He shakes his head and leans back against the wall again. I laid my head back down on his shoulder.

“You know, for a tough guy you seem very cute too.”

I laugh. “Well, I have a hard shell because I have too. I don't want to get caught up in a relationship and do the same thing like last time. People don't approach me. And honestly I like being alone.”

“What about me then?”

I looked at him and he was staring out the window again, lost in thought.

“You are different babe. You're my best friend. I haven't had one in a while. Hell I don't think I had one besides Natalie. My life revolved around her. You were and are the only one who genuinely cared and listened when I opened my heart to you about her. You weren't uncomfortable meeting my mother, even though she assumed we were dating.” Not that I wouldn't mind that but not the point. “It seems as if you saw past my hard shell easily. You didn't shy away from me intimidating you the first night we bumped into one another. You called me a prick. I was so ready to smash your face in.”

We both laugh. “I'm glad you did not do that. My face is pretty, you know.”

I know he can't see it, but I roll my eyes. “I usually never involve myself with people. But if I am being honest, they way you make me feel. I like it. I feel valid and important. Not just another person, or someone who others can dump their emotions out on to get advice then close up when I try to do the same. I always felt selfish talking about my issues and shit like that. But with you I don't. Things come naturally. So I'm doing something selfish for once. I want to be around you because I do care about you too.”

He smiles and looks at me. “It's not selfish to have friends, Zai. It's not selfish wanting to express your feelings and dark days. I know it's hard but I'm always open. And I like our friendship too.”

“Thanks.” I smile and lay my head back on his shoulder. “So what have you told Bridgette about me? Since she thinks I'm a girl.”

We both laugh at the statement. “Well, I am playing it out a bit longer.”

I peeked up at him amused.

“I know, I know. Childish. But, she doesn't know I’m Bi anyway so once I tell her that either way I think she will become uncomfortable unless you were a police dog.”

I laugh so hard that I almost fall off the bed. “See she shows a lot of trust in you.” I shove his leg with my hand.

“But I did tell her I was with you right now. So she knows I'm here. I'm not an asshole. Plus she knows your name is Zai.”

“Well, at least she knows all but one thing.” I yawn out. 

“You are okay with me being Bi right?” he bites his lip.

“I mean, if we are being honest, I don't know what I am besides Demi. I have not been with a guy but it does not sound too bad. I mean you have shown me more love than my ex did. So who says men can't be good at love?”

“Doesn't it make you uncomfortable?”

“Nope.” I lay my head on his shoulder again. “See? What would make me uncomfortable is if you did not act like the true you. So never worry.”

His head is on top of mine again and we sit like that for a good while. No talking, just breathing in each other's scents, presence, and just love. Our love for one another may be friendship, but it's strong. We may have bonded quickly but I'm glad I ran into the prick when I did.

I glanced down at my phone and saw it was late. I opened the message and saw it was from sergeant. 

“Sergeant wants us tomorrow.” I groan.

“But we both are off?” he said, shifting to get under the covers. I sigh and shift under the covers as well.

“Yep. Looks like we have to leave early. Breakfast date?” I ask while closing my eyes.

“Sure babe.” he said as he turn over to turn the lamp off.