There’s a package for Ruby in the mail. The sight of her name on the box twists something inside of me. I don’t realize I’m clenching my teeth until my jaw starts aching.

I slowly breathe in and out, staring at the cardboard in my hand. The little black letters of her name and our address seem so impersonal.

I think about writing ‘deceased’ on it and sending it back. I think about telling my parents, but neither of them is here… and whatever it is, she already paid for it.

A sort of dark curiosity grips me. I want to know what’s in it. What did Ruby order?

Ruby wasn’t much of a shopaholic. She rarely bought things or even asked for anything unless they were something necessary. Her only splurges were for parts on her motorcycle, and she worked and saved to buy those all by herself. She said it gave her a sense of accomplishment, knowing that only her work and money went into it.

While Jasper was constantly asking for paint and canvases, and I was always asking for books, Ruby asked for experiences.

She craved them. We’d go places like museums, amusement parks, out of the way mom and pop diners, shows, the beach, festivals, anywhere that would provide her idea of an adventure.

One year, we went to the ballet for Christmas because that was Ruby’s gift. There was also a cheese farm, a haunted corn maze outside the city; a murder mystery dine-in show on a train; all sorts of things to get us out of the house.

So, whatever this is, it’s like the world has sent a part of her to me, as if this package can bring her back to life, if only for a short amount of time.

I carefully cut open the box and unwrap the item inside.

It’s a CD. The front has a stylistic photo of a beach with the back of a girl sitting in the sand. Waves are coming ashore and the only color in the entire cover is of the sun setting on the water, splashes of red and orange and a deep magenta.

The title of the CD is A Moment So Still, and I vaguely recognize the name of the singer, Serenity Lyons, as being one of Ruby’s favorites.

She’s an indie artist that became popular online, and Ruby loved that she usually released a new CD every month.

I wouldn’t say I disliked Ruby’s music choices, but she was obsessed with indie artists and some of her favorite songs were strange, to put it nicely.

Although, I developed a love of indie authors after getting an e-reader, and I’m sure she thought that was weird too.

What little I remember about Serenity Lyons is that her music was hauntingly beautiful, but I always tried to wear earplugs when Ruby was blasting her music.

I don’t really have a favorite band, artist, or even favorite genre of music. Where Ruby was into a lot of specific bands, I just never had one band or artist that stuck out to me.

At home, I probably listen to video game and movie soundtracks the most because they make good background music for reading, but I wouldn’t say those are my favorites.

Ruby always thought it was weird that I could listen to any genre and find something to appreciate about it. I like what I like.

Reading is the same. I can’t pinpoint what genre is really my favorite because I’ll read them all, but I lean towards fantasy more than any of them. Just like Ruby leaned towards these melancholy bands.

I put the CD into my laptop and lean back on my bed to listen. The music is this strange mix of Celtic and metal.

The first song starts haunting and slow, then turns heavy, the beat weighing me down to the bed. And the words, they resonate with my soul in a way nothing has in a long time.

This artist, a part of me wishes I’d paid attention to her music sooner. I can hear Ruby saying she told me so, and with my eyes closed, I can almost imagine her beside me, enjoying the music.

Each song tells a story. Some of them of heartbreaking loss, regrets, and doubts; they’re dark with heavy drums and bass, an eerie flute wrapping around the words.

Then some of adventure, joys, and triumph. They’re light and airy. I can imagine fairies dancing to the trilling clarinets and flutes, there’s even a harp mixed in there.

But the last song is what makes my eyes burn and brings a lump in my throat.

How quick did Death captivate you,

my child?

Did the stories they told sit with you well?

I awaited your return,

though you’d long forgotten me.

Your eyes only saw

eternity.

My child,

how you ran too far and too fast.

Ran right out of my grasp.

I bite my hand as the song continues, some part of me needing to hear how it ends. It tells the story of a mother yearning for her child to return from the afterlife.

As you danced with death

did your soul feel free?

I’m selfish I know but I couldn’t let you go.

My child,

how I entreated death to return you,

But you would no longer look to me.

How quick did you abandon me?

She claims that death took her too soon and she’s too young to leave, that her whole life is ahead of her.

Death argues with her that age does not matter when one’s time is up. That there is no escape.

The mother bargains with Death, she pleads with Death, she curses Death, and in the end, Death takes pity on her and returns a part of her child but keeps a part in the afterlife.

The mother is grateful, but now her child that she loves so dearly no longer recognizes her, and she mourns the lost pieces of her child’s memories.

The song isn’t clear on if the child regains her memories or not, but the message in the song is clear, and it’s tragically beautiful. In the end, the mother doesn’t care whether the child remembers her or not, she’s thankful to have more time with her.

My child,

till the day that I die,

I’ll remember the day of your return,

Never was

a moment so still,

as that when I held you once again,

in my arms.

I shut the CD off and sit staring at the ceiling for a long time, letting the words echo in my head.

I envy the mother in the song for the return of her child. Even if Ruby forgot me, it would be okay. You can make new memories when someone is still around to make them with, but she’s not, and I’m left with only the past. And how long will it be before those memories fade?

***

Dear Ruby,

I hope that when I see you again…

I hope

Will you remember me?