I think back to the last point in time when I could actually think completely straight, which was probably right before the advisors left the room. That was right before I decided I should open my mouth and question my father’s authority. Never a good idea.
It makes no sense for me to be freaking out logically speaking, all he did was deny the offer I gave. A perfectly reasonable offer that would make things more efficient, without even listening to all of it. But the worst part is he denied it without a reason, telling me there is one but I’m not permitted to know it. The only reason I could think of why information like that would be hidden, is that it’s something so bad they are hiding it from absolutely everyone.
So I sit on the rock that’s growing colder by the second and think all of this through, shifting through the possibilities of what they won’t tell me. Some of the ideas seem insane and impossible, but I keep coming across those that could happen, making me believe in them wholeheartedly until I take a closer look, finding all the impossible and unbelievable disguised as a good idea, hiding in plain sight, driving me towards insanity.
Eventually I give up, deciding that even if any of the possibilities were true, there wasn’t much I could do about it, other than let it take over my thoughts. By the time I do give up though, the light has fallen out of the sky, making the once warm day into a cold and dark night.
I pull the jacket I had wrapped around my waist onto my arms, and start heading back for my room, jogging to keep warm. Tomorrow I have training early in the morning, so I’m refusing to go to sleep any later. If I didn’t though, and I could stay up as late as I wanted tonight, I would take an extra minute to appreciate the forest in its full glory, when all of the shadows roam free, not having to hide anymore from the light.
I understand the shadows in a strange sort of way, feel them on a personal level. We all have things to hide from after all, some of us more than others.
I feel strongest at night as well, completely in my element, surrounded by my true friends, the ones that have been with me through everything. Maybe it’s my powers that make me feel the way I do, or maybe it’s the way I feel that gives me my powers. The power to control shadows. It may sound useless, but the people are connected to their shadows.
I reach the same tree I climbed down earlier, marked years ago when I had difficulty finding it by a small ‘x’ near the roots, nearly invisible with this dim light.
I back up a few steps, then run forward quickly, jumping up when I run out of space, and using that momentum to help get me into the branches. Once I’m up I continue with a steady climb, leaping back into my window when I see it. I land on the thick carpet easily.
I stand up, not bothering to turn on the lights. I pull off my boots, wiggling them around my feet, too lazy to work on unlacing them right now. Once they are off I collapse face first on my bed and fall asleep quickly.
I wake up to the dull light morning brings with it shining through my open windows, coating my entire room in a dreary coat of grey paint.
I still feel tired, and I know there's very little chance I got more than three hours of sleep, but I get up anyways, fearing being late to training.
Some days I’m expected to wake up before the sun has had a chance to go fully down, although I think I’m not meant to get any sleep those days.
I throw myself out of the bed, my entire body protesting, but I ignore the screaming in my bones as I change into my training clothes quickly. Another thing I ignore is the lump of blue fabric still on the floor from last night, walking around it to leave my room.
The maids will be mad that I let the dress wrinkle, but I stopped caring what they thought long ago, right around the same time I was forced to kill one of them for the very first time.